March 2008
Over the last few days I´ve started drinking in the morning – it´s now too painful for me to wait until the afternoon. The previous evening I´d been to a bar and I´d promised myself that I wouldn´t get drunk – just like so many times before. I ended up drinking so much beer that I felt sick. Instead of going home, I started drinking vodka. I was loud and embarrassing, and then I started to get aggressive. I began picking on a 17 year old girl who told me that she never lied. I couldn´t accept it as a fact and I became aggressive, patronizing and offensive – though I certainly didn´t see it like that at the time.
Finally I decided to go home and get away from this bunch of losers. I told someone I needed to get home because I´d drunk too much. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “You always drink too much.” I can´t remember my exact reply to this, but I know that I became very defensive and aggressive. What I do remember is that he just sat there quietly holding my gaze. He looked sad, but he didn´t retaliate. I couldn´t bear it a second longer, and I stormed out of the bar and lurched home full of resentment and anger towards both him and the girl. I was ranting and raving out loud – I was full of hatred for them and everybody else. I felt superior to all of them. I felt deeply misunderstood and full of self pity. Suddenly I had an awakening of sorts and became aware of what I was saying. As I became aware of my words and my behavior, one thing jumped right out at me – I was the one with the problem. It shocked me to the core and I cried and cried like it was the end of the world. I went home and drank some more.
When I awoke in the morning I was full of self loathing and self pity. I quickly went and got myself a big beaker of wine, and I sat and cried as I drank it. It was then that I knew I must try and stop drinking. It was definitely causing me problems, and I just couldn´t live with myself like this any longer – I was desperate and desolate and I didn´t have the courage to kill myself, so I knew my only option was to stop drinking. I appeared to be completely incapable of moderating my drinking, so I must stop entirely. It didn´t occur to me for one moment that I would be unable to do so.
Around 5pm that day I began to feel very anxious, and I started to experience a feeling that´s exactly the same as nicotine withdrawal. My body started screaming out for something and I couldn´t work out what it might be – I´m really confused by this craving. Eventually I realize that it must have something to do with not drinking – I´m shocked. The thought starts to creep into my mind that this is not a normal reaction. I spend the rest of the evening in a state of high anxiety. I have alcohol in the house but I stay away from it – I´m determined not to drink. I go to bed earlier than I´ve done in months and I actually manage to get some sleep despite feeling anxious and frightened.
Day 2 - I walk to the local shop and stock up on plenty of soft drinks. I avoid speaking to anyone. I feel paranoid and withdrawn. When early evening comes around I once again start to experience bad cravings. I pace around a lot and my anxiety is going off the scale – but I don´t drink. I go to bed early. I´m very restless and barely sleep at all. I´m scared. I give up trying to sleep, and I play games on the computer until I´m too tired to keep my eyes open.
Day 3 - I awake after a few hours feeling exhausted, anxious and full of fear. I keep busy throughout the day because I feel so restless. I don´t achieve much because I jump from one task to the next without completing the first one. When the cravings kick in, I start to cry. Eventually I decide to have one beer. If I can have just one beer I can´t possibly be alcoholic – can I? I have one beer, and for the first time in my life I sip it really slowly and make it last for a long time. The cravings and anxiety are definitely lessened, but they are still there bubbling away just under the surface, and soon after finishing the beer they come rushing back in again. I go to bed early and lie there anxious and afraid.
Day 4 – I wake up anxious and it just gets worse throughout the day. I can´t sit still. I pace a lot. When the cravings kick in around 5pm I don´t have the strength to deal with them. I try the one beer idea again, but this time I´m unable to sip it slowly and make it last. The restlessness, anxiety and cravings fade slightly, but I need more relief. I decide to have another beer. If I can get through the night on just 2 beers I will know for sure that I´m not alcoholic. I don´t know anything about alcoholism, but I´m sure that an alcoholic drinks more than 2 beers a night. The second beer makes a marked difference. I feel such a great sense of ease and comfort. All the bad feelings disappear – temporarily – but as soon as the drink is finished they start to crowd in on me again. I don´t know what to do. Eventually I´m able to settle at my computer and play some games – it seems to distract me and soothe me a little bit, but I´m still an anxious crazy mess. Somehow I get through the rest of the evening without any more alcohol, but I know something is definitely wrong with me and I don´t know what to do. I fall into bed exhausted and confused.
Day 5 – It´s a bad day. I feel restless, irritable, discontent, and very, very anxious. I sit at the computer again and play some games. Suddenly, my hands start to shake uncontrollably. I´m horrified. I know nothing about alcoholism, but I know enough to realize that this is a withdrawal symptom from alcohol. My mind wants to tell me that it must be something else, and nothing to do with alcohol – but deep down I know that I can no longer deny what´s happening to me. The feelings and symptoms I´m experiencing are from alcohol withdrawal – and ONLY alcoholics experience these things, but I still try desperately to ignore this thought, because it´s unacceptable to me. As I sit there I remember that I have half a bottle of Baileys somewhere. I tell myself that it would be ok to have some of it in my coffee. I somehow manage to convince myself that it´s not really alcohol, so it won´t count! I give up putting it in my coffee after only one cup - I drink the rest of it with some ice. It soothes me for a while, and the shaking stops, but once the bottle is empty it´s not long before the anxiety is fully present again.
I can´t cope with this a moment longer, and so I go downstairs and get a large plastic beaker, 2 liters of wine and a bottle of lemonade. It´s about 2pm when I pour out my first half pint of wine and lemonade. As I sit at the computer drinking and crying, I search on-line to find alcohol questionnaires. This is one of them:
Are You Alcoholic?
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
The above Test Questions are used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, Md., in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic. They believe:
• If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be alcoholic.
• If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
• If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
My TRUE score is 18 . . . . but when I first did this questionnaire I could only admit to 10. I was trying VERY hard to see the real truth – but I could NOT see it. But 10 is very high – 3 or more and I´m DEFINITELY an alcoholic. Even I can see that 10 is way more than 3.
I´m devastated and terrified. It´s the end of my world – I´m an alcoholic. Part of my mind still wants to deny it, but that small sane voice inside me will not allow me to be in denial about it any longer. I push myself to do more questionnaires, and then I find the Alcoholics Anonymous website and read some stories on there written by alcoholics. When I compare their stories to mine, there are some differences. I´m tempted to look at those differences and use them to convince myself that I´m not really like them, but that small sane voice inside me tells me to look at the similarities – not the differences. The similarities far outweigh the differences.
My name is Rachel – and I´m an alcoholic.
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