My thoughts at 2 years of sobriety

The Alcoholics Anonymous book (AKA The Big Book) saved my life.

Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism

I have 2 years of sobriety today (17th May 2010) but that would not be possible if I did not read the Big Book of AA. The Big Book contains the 12 Steps, and it is ONLY by working and living those 12 Steps that I can remain sober, sane and at peace.

The 12 Steps has but ONE purpose – to enable me to gain and maintain conscious contact with a power greater than myself so a hopeless alcoholic like me is free from the pain of alcoholism . . . . . because when alcohol is removed from me is when my REAL suffering starts . . . . and I better have something of real substance, depth and power to replace what alcohol once gave me, or before long I am either going to drink again or I am going to go insane.

For me it is THAT simple . . . . and I will also say this because it is MY truth. I have never been to an AA meeting because I do not have that option where I live. But the reason I am happy, joyous and free today is not because of the meetings I make . . . . it is because of the Steps I take. They are in the Big Book.

I could not care less about the dated language of the Big Book – either I am willing to go to ANY lengths for my sobriety or I am not. Either I am desperate or I am not. What do I care if any of the book seems a little patronising to me as a woman?? I am aware of when it was written and I´m aware that times were very different then. The ONLY thing that matters to me is does this book have the solution I need? The answer is YES it does, and for that I am TRULY grateful.

Are you a problem drinker or an alcoholic?

Here are couple of things I have written over the last couple of days in response to someone else´s blog (she is just a few days sober). I thought I would post my responses here in the hope that they are of value to someone (this person knows I´m doing this and thinks it´s a good idea).


“I can relate to everything you´ve said and I´ve been where you are now. I tried to stop drinking on my own, but the thing is that I´m an alcoholic and that´s just not possible for any length of time. If you are an alcoholic of my type there is something you should know. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. Once the alcohol is removed from an alcoholic that´s when the dis-ease really kicks in and starts to cause pain, and one thing that you may find frightening is this. Will power is USELESS. I thought I just needed more willpower, but I had plenty of that, and this is one of the reasons so many people die from this disease, we think if we can just be strong enough we can fight this thing. Err, well . . . good luck with that!!


The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.


AA is often the last house on the block for an alcoholic. We will try everything else we can think of before we land up there. The majority of us die trying. I was just like you. I thought I could beat this thing myself. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I´m one of the lucky ones, because even though I live in a very isolated place where I cannot get to AA meetings, AA saved my life, and, as you know, I will have 2 years of sobriety this Monday 17th May. But I had to reach a point of incomprehensible demoralization before I would take the solution AA was offering me, because like you I was an Atheist (a very outspoken one!!).


The posts you are reading on my blog at the moment are not me at the end of my drinking. I had further down to go than that. I had to reach a point of absolutely NO HOPE before I could really honestly and willingly attempt to seek a power greater than myself. Because I had never believed that there was such a thing as a Higher Power (God, or whatever), so what was the point of seeking something that didn’t exist? Mumbo jumbo make-believe crap, I thought.


But on the night of my last drunk I was puking my guts up into my toilet and something died inside me. That something was hope. I was without hope. I finally knew beyond ALL doubt that alcoholism had me beaten and that it would not stop until I was dead. That was my “gift of desperation moment” as I like to call it ;-)Because finally, as I was down there on my knees, desperate and hopeless, a remarkable thing happened. I prayed. I prayed earnestly and desperately to a power that I didn’t believe existed.


Here´s the miracle. Here´s the thing that still blows my mind today and gives me goosebumps every time I write about it . . .


At that moment, at that VERY moment . . . the desire to drink was REMOVED from me . . . and from that day to this (despite some very difficult times in my sobriety) I have NEVER felt the need or desire to drink again”



AND



“You said "I was tempted on a few occasions, but I kept telling myself it really isn't worth it. I'd wake up with a horrible headache, waste the day in bed, probably be sick and highly disappointed in myself."


If you are a real alcoholic, that is not going to be enough to carry you very far. Also, right now is not a good time to be hanging around people that are drinking. You are only a few days sober and do not have the solution as to how to remain sober and content - you are just torturing yourself . . . but I did the same thing and I´m absolutely NOT judging you for it!


I do not have the desire or compulsion to drink today and I can go anywhere where alcohol is served, but when I finally hit bottom with my drinking I steered clear of alcohol for a long time because Im an alcoholic, and my sobriety is the number one priority in my life . . . . because without it I do not get to have a life.


Here is a link to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Doctor´s Opinion will help you to determine if you are alcoholic or not. It is possible that you are just a problem drinker. If you are a problem drinker then it is possible for you to stop and stay stopped if you want to badly enough . . . . . if, however you are an alcoholic of my type NO amount of willpower will help you to stay sober for very long.


The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous



This may also help you to determine whether you are either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. They are two VERY different things.


When you listen to this talk do not compare his story to yours. Can you relate to how he FEELS? I can. Alcoholism did not take me to the places that it took him to (though I did want to kill myself many, many times), but our war stories are not really relevant. It´s what alcoholism does to us inside that is the relevant and qualifying thing. When I listen to this talk I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.”

Talk By Bob D - a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

Edited to add (Taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - page 44):
To make a CLEAR distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic - If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.







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Early sobriety exhaustion

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for less than 3 weeks - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.

30th March 2008
I´ve realized something about myself today that is a bit of a shock – I WAS most definitely aggressive on many occasions when I drank. I never believed that I was, but I can now remember many instances when I was confrontational and aggressive. My aggression would more often than not be directed towards people that I was close to, so it´s no wonder that I alienated them, but sometimes I was definitely aggressive and confrontational towards people I didn’t know. I was also very opinionated and dogmatic. My behavior didn't seem unreasonable to me in my drunken state, but the morning after . . . . . . . . massive self loathing and horror and always the thought that next time it would be different, next time I would only have a couple of glasses of wine. Ha!! Next time was always just the same.

It´s not particularly pleasant to be discovering these things about myself, but I can see that it´s absolutely essential for me to face the truth about my behavior. I´m starting to realize that I´ve been deluded about many things my whole life. I thought I was quite self aware – I now see that this was yet another delusion of mine.

2nd April
Hi Kelly,
It´s such a shame that I haven´t got my computer as I think it would be good to be able to talk on Skype. I can totally understand when you say in your post that you feel like a hypocrite because earlier in the week you wrote about gratitude but are not really feeling that it´s enough to carry you at the moment. This is exactly the same for me. One day I´m on top of the world and feel so grateful and happy to be sober and alive and then the next day I´m in the depths of depression. Yesterday I got so low and tired that I almost ended up having a drink. I don´t even want one but I guess that´s what this alcoholism thing is all about. We have a disease and even if we don´t want a drink IT will always be waiting until we are vulnerable to try and persuade us otherwise.


I´m going to have to go now as I´m getting really tired again. I have never felt so tired in my life but I´m so glad I´m not drinking. We are going through the biggest and most important journey of our lives. Neither of us have anyone around us who can really understand what it´s like, and that certainly makes me feel quite isolated. I´m glad we are in contact but it would be even better if we could speak to each other. Please ring me when you get back from New York.

3rd April
Hi Kelly,

I hope you managed to find a meeting somewhere. I expect there are plenty available in New York! I´ve been having a few bad days myself recently, but one thing I´ve realised is that even my worst day sober is still better than my best days drinking. That sort of helps me to get things in perspective. I´m feeling down and depressed but at least I haven´t got that hideous anxiety that was overwhelming me when I was drinking. The fear has gone, and for that I am truly grateful.

I´ve been having a lot of telephone contact with a man called Mike who has been sober for 28 years. I have a fantastic connection with him and he can always make me feel better when I´m struggling. Anyway, he is going to try and come and see me tomorrow. The journey will take him over an hour. He´s got cancer and a whole host of other problems but he´s taking the time out to come and see me and it makes me feel very humble. His AA group have decided to donate me a copy of The Big Book. Apparantly they talk about me a lot in their meetings and even though none of them have met me they all want to help in any way that they can. This bond with other alcoholics is like nothing I have ever known before and it´s another thing that I can add to my gratitude list. Mike even says to me that he´s glad he´s an alcoholic. He feels that the richness of life as a sober alcoholic is something he would not swap. I hope we can feel like that one day.

Have you got any sober alcoholics that you speak to on the phone? If you haven´t then I really think you should try and find someone. Of course I hope that you and I will have some phone contact soon but we will have to be careful because of the cost. If you could find someone reasonably local that you have a bond with I think it would really make a difference. Mike certainly makes a big difference to me. I can´t wait to see him tomorrow. I´m going to give him the biggest hug!

I know you have friends where you are but however hard they try they will not always be able to give you what you need. Only another alcoholic can give us total understanding without the need for explanation.

For me at the moment my alcoholism is all consuming for me. I only admitted I was an alcoholic 20 days ago. That fact has changed my whole life overnight. This thing is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me and I want to talk about it and work my way through learning to live with it, but it´s other alcoholics I want to talk to.

Even though you are having a really tough time at the moment dealing with your grief, it is something you are managing to do sober and for that you should be really proud of yourself. I am certainly proud of you and full of admiration. Right now you are going through the toughest time of your life and even though you think you´re not dealing with it very well, you are. You are still sober. That´s a huge achievement.

Well, I guess I will go and have a quick look at the forum before I go home. I can´t be bothered to write any posts at the moment and I can´t even manage to read more than a few posts a day right now, but I still look at it every day just to remind myself that I am not alone in this. I struggle from time to time but I can reach out and find others who are going through the same thing and somehow that makes it easier.

INTERNET ADDICTION
Another blogger with a FANTASTIC blog has asked me to post this poll about Internet addiction. I hope you will take part.

Stark Raving Sober









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Drunks by Jack McCarthy

I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have the 12 Steps of AA in my life. This incredibly powerful poem called Drunks by Jack McCarthy sums it all up for me. The first time I read it I could not stop crying.

Drunks by Jack McCarthy

We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms where they found us three days later when somebody complained about the smell.

We died against bridge abutments and nobody knew if it was suicide and we probably didn't know either except in the sense that it was always suicide.

We died in hospitals, our stomachs huge, distended and there was nothing they could do.

We died in cells, never knowing whether we were guilty or not.

We went to priests, they gave us pledges, they told us to pray, they told us to go and sin no more, but go. We tried and we died.

We died of overdoses, we died in bed (but usually not the Big Bed)

We died in straitjackets, in the DT's seeing God knows what, creeping skittering slithering shuffling things.

And you know what the worst thing was? The worst thing was that nobody ever believed how hard we tried.

We went to doctors and they gave us stuff to take that would make us sick when we drank on the principle of so crazy, it just might work, I guess, or maybe they just shook their heads and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's.

And when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde or maybe we lied to the doctors and they told us not to drink so much, just drink like me. And we tried, and we died.

We drowned in our own vomit or choked on it, our broken jaws wired shut. We died playing Russian roulette and people thought we'd lost, but we knew better.

We died under the hoofs of horses, under the wheels of vehicles, under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks.

We died in shame.

And you know what was even worse, was that we couldn't believe it ourselves, that we had tried.

We figured we just thought we tried and we died believing that we hadn't tried, believing that we didn't know what it meant to try.

When we were desperate enough or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help we went to people with letters after their names and prayed that they might have read the right books that had the right words in them, never suspecting the terrifying truth, that the right words, as simple as they were, had not been written yet.

We died falling off girders on high buildings, because of course ironworkers drink, of course they do.

We died with a shotgun in our mouth, or jumping off a bridge, and everybody knew it was suicide.

We died under the Southeast Expressway, with our hands tied behind us and a bullet in the back of our head, because this time the people that we disappointed were the wrong people.

We died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain", we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned .

If we were women, we died degraded, because women have so much more to live up to.

We tried and we died and nobody cried. And the very worst thing was that for every one of us that died, there were another hundred of us, or another thousand, who wished that we could die, who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up because what we were enduring was intolerable and we knew in our hearts it wasn't ever gonna change.

One day in a hospital room in New York City, one of us had what the books call a transforming spiritual experience, and he said to himself "I've got it ." (no, you haven't you've only got part of it) " and I have to share it." (now you've ALMOST got it) and he kept trying to give it away, but we couldn't hear it. We tried and we died.

We died of one last cigarette, the comfort of its glowing in the dark. We passed out and the bed caught fire. They said we suffocated before our body burned, they said we never felt a thing , that was the best way maybe that we died, except sometimes we took our family with us.

And the man in New York was so sure he had it, he tried to love us into sobriety, but that didn't work either, love confuses drunks and he tried and we still died.

One after another we got his hopes up and we broke his heart,
Because that's what we do.

And the worst thing was that every time we thought we knew what the worst thing was something happened that was worse.

Until a day came in a hotel lobby and it wasn't in Rome, or Jerusalem, Or Mecca or even Dublin, or South Boston, it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake.

A day came when the man said I have to find a drunk because I need him As much as he needs me (NOW you've got it).

And the transmission line, after all those years, was open, the transmission line was open. And now we don't go to priests, and we don't go to doctors and people with letters after their names.

We come to people who have been there, we come to each other. We come to try and we don't have to die.........











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