Discovering the power of prayer

Taken from my journal at around 7 weeks sober:

My boyfriend is drinking a lot right now and seems to be completely insensitive to my situation. We had a big row about it and I got myself very upset and the desire to drink was strong. I prayed like crazy and the desire went away, which surprised me more than you can know! The following day my window shutters broke. It´s no big deal but it was just the final straw and I made the decision to go out to the nearest bar and get drunk to escape from everything. The insanity of this disease kicked in with a vengeance and I didn´t even want to do anything to stop it. Everything I´d worked for over the last 7 weeks didn´t feature in my head at all. I was going to get drunk and that was that. It didn´t matter a damn who saw me or what anyone thought. I couldn´t have cared less at that point.

My boyfriend´s cousin turned up as I was leaving the house (she never visits me so this was a miracle in itself!). I told her where I was going and said it was up to her if she wanted to join me or not. She held on to me and said there was no way she was going to let me go even if it meant staying here with me all day and night. I got quite angry with her but she didn´t let go of me. We ended up sobbing our hearts out and I clung to her for dear life. In that moment my sanity returned and has stayed with me for the past 2 days. I´ve had lots of rest and lots of food, and I´ve been reading the Big Book and been trying to pray as best I can. It´s hard for me to get my head around this praying thing, but I´m desperate enough to try because I just can´t go back to the life I was living before. I feel peaceful again and I am so grateful that I didn´t go out and drink the other day. Where would I be today if I´d done that?? Needless to say I´ve decided to stay away from the bars for now. I just don´t trust myself.

Ok,today my boyfriend's cousin turned up at my house again to talk to me about my boyfriend. I suddenly had a very strong urge to drink. She'd brought a couple of cans of strong beers with her(not quite sure why she brought them round when she knows I´m struggling to stay sober!!). She went in the house to get a glass, and when she had gone I picked up one of the beers. I was 2 seconds away from opening it and pouring it down my throat. The only reason I didn´t was because there were only 2 cans and I knew I would have to go and get more, because 2 cans would not be nearly enough for me.

In desperation I rushed upstairs to look for a rosary I´d been given years ago (funny how quickly I was able to find it in the chaos of my house!!). I fell to my knees and prayed to whatever higher power is supposedly there for the urge to be taken away. The urge to drink went away – it was incredible. I was stunned. Praying really does seem to work so I must keep on doing it!

Losing my way

Taken from my journal at around 33 days sober - at 30 days sober I felt great, but I had not got serious with my 12 Step program and it was only a matter of time before I drank again . . . . .


I´m feeling really bad today. I went out to a bar last night and I only stayed for just over an hour. It was tedious to sit there without a drink. My boyfriend was there and he had a great time and then he went on to a club and didn´t get home until 5.30am. I miss doing all that and I´m completely and utterly fed up. All of a sudden I feel that I just don´t want to live without alcohol in my life. I felt like an outsider last night, and today I feel as bad as if I went out and got trashed last night. I know that if I make more of an effort with the spiritual side of the AA program I will no doubt feel much better, but right now I don´t even know if I want to (little bit of self pity going on here I think!!).


My only friend here is moving back to England soon and I´m feeling really down about that. All life in this village revolves around bars and drinking. If I had a meeting to go to or at least another recovering alcoholic here to spend time with it would be easier to cope with. As it is I just feel like giving in right now. I sound pathetic.


I was even trying to kid myself earlier on today that I´m not actually an alcoholic. I just wanted to find an excuse to drink, which no doubt means I really AM an alcoholic!!! I seem to have lost my way BIG time. I´ve not had a drink (yet), but I feel certain that it´s going to happen sometime soon. Not today maybe, but soon. I can´t get out of my head the thought that I may not actually be an alcoholic. I´m pretty sure that I´m kidding myself with that thought. I just want
to be able to drink again and to enjoy myself like non alcoholics. I´m thinking "I won´t drink at home, only in bars and only on a Saturday night." Wouldn´t it be great if I could actually do that!!! I want to believe that I can do it. Why???? If I were honest with myself I would know that this is something I can never do, but I don´t feel like listening to that voice of reason right now.


Maybe this is going to be something I actually need to do so that I can see once and for all that I really have no control over alcohol. I´m very confused. Where is my brain right now???? I think it´s in a bar knocking back as many beers as it can. It´s just waiting for my body to catch up.


I know what the problem is with me at the moment. I have been reading the Big Book and am just coming to the end now, but I have been neglecting the actual work on the steps lately. I had step 1 all done and dusted in my head during my first 4 weeks sober. I think it was going out on Saturday night and feeling so lost and alone when everyone else was drinking that it made me feel that just maybe I had got it all wrong about my alcoholism. Just maybe I could drink in a controlled manner like some of them. It´s probably not a good place for me to go to at the moment. It´s alright to pop into the bar in the day for a couple of coffees, but it´s a whole different thing to go there on a weekend night.


I´m starting to see the importance of so many things in this program. One day at a time makes so much sense now. I´m wasting too much time worrying about my future sobriety when I should just be concentrating on today. It really is only the last few days that I have felt like this but it´s because I´ve got lazy with the program. Initially I felt such peace and calm due to working steps 2 and 3. I loved sobriety. The only reason I´m not loving it now is because I have completely neglected my work on the steps over the last week. I don´t know why I have let things slide like this.


I think I need to remind myself what it was like when I was drinking. It´s amazing how only 5 weeks in I can think to myself “Oh, I wasn´t that bad really.” It´s no doubt the alcoholic part of my mind wanting to lure me back into my old ways. Deep down I know I was bad. I don´t think I had completely alienated all people in my life, but I had alienated me from myself. I was suicidal so much of the time and I know that was down to my drinking because I don´t feel suicidal now and the only thing different about my life is that I´m sober.


I don´t want to get drunk again. I just want to be able to drink like a non alcoholic and I´m not sure why I think that this could be possible. It´s certainly never been possible in the past. I need to keep using the Serenity prayer because I find that very helpful. I haven´t been using it lately. I need to make a real
effort to get back into the whole AA lifestyle. I was really enjoying how I felt and I can see now that it was all because of AA and not just because I was sober.


I know I´ve got a lot of work to do and this life of sobriety can only be taken one day at a time. I´m going to stop worrying about nights out, Christmas and New Year and all those other times when alcohol is a key part in the proceedings. These
things should not be on my mind today. Today is the only thing that is important right now, and today I do not need or want a drink!!

30 days of sobriety

Ok, my New Year's resolution to blog more regularly is kicking in early! This was something I wrote at 30 days sober (before I slipped twice):

I´m 30 days sober today and what a wonderful feeling that is. It´s hard to believe the difference that not drinking has made to my life. The improvements are incredible. I feel so peaceful almost all of the time. I was constantly anxious and fearful and now I feel calm and wonderfully content.

I don’t waste time worrying and fretting over things of which I have no control, I can deal with life so much better already and have found the Serenity Prayer really helpful when problems come along. I smile and laugh so much more. Today I feel serenity gently glowing inside me. I have a new addiction and it´s called sobriety. I have never felt so good in my entire life. I can hardly believe that I´m actually saying any prayers at all – this is totally alien to me, but I´m desperate enough not to drink again to just try my best to do as I´m advised. If praying is going to keep me sober then that is what I will do – I know for a fact that I can´t stay sober on my own. If standing on my head would keep me sober I would do it – I am willing to go to ANY lengths to stay sober.

Thank YOU!!!

Wow, I can't believe that I won a 2010 Top Abuse & Recovery Blogs Award presented by MedicalBilling and Coding! Thank you SO much to all who nominated me!! ♥

I really do not deserve it because I'm a very lazy blogger - or rather more to the point I'm just not very organised and still find it very difficult to prioritise things in my life.

Well, this has come at a great time because I have 2 and a half years of sobriety this week - so, it´s a nice way to mark this milestone (yes, I'm still newly sober enough to want to celebrate half a year!!)

I must sort through my old early recovery journal again very soon and continue on with my story.

Today I'm sober and content - still living in difficult circumstances, but so many things have changed for the better (mainly my relationships with others, and my new ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other and persevering rather than giving up). My life hasn´t really changed - but I HAVE. My perspective is completely different and I no longer have that destructive victim mentality, which only ever aliented me from the rest of society. I now realise that the only person who can change my life is ME. It's no one else's responsibility - sitting around feeling sorry for myself or worrying about things only ever does me harm.

My thoughts at 2 years of sobriety

The Alcoholics Anonymous book (AKA The Big Book) saved my life.

Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism

I have 2 years of sobriety today (17th May 2010) but that would not be possible if I did not read the Big Book of AA. The Big Book contains the 12 Steps, and it is ONLY by working and living those 12 Steps that I can remain sober, sane and at peace.

The 12 Steps has but ONE purpose – to enable me to gain and maintain conscious contact with a power greater than myself so a hopeless alcoholic like me is free from the pain of alcoholism . . . . . because when alcohol is removed from me is when my REAL suffering starts . . . . and I better have something of real substance, depth and power to replace what alcohol once gave me, or before long I am either going to drink again or I am going to go insane.

For me it is THAT simple . . . . and I will also say this because it is MY truth. I have never been to an AA meeting because I do not have that option where I live. But the reason I am happy, joyous and free today is not because of the meetings I make . . . . it is because of the Steps I take. They are in the Big Book.

I could not care less about the dated language of the Big Book – either I am willing to go to ANY lengths for my sobriety or I am not. Either I am desperate or I am not. What do I care if any of the book seems a little patronising to me as a woman?? I am aware of when it was written and I´m aware that times were very different then. The ONLY thing that matters to me is does this book have the solution I need? The answer is YES it does, and for that I am TRULY grateful.

Are you a problem drinker or an alcoholic?

Here are couple of things I have written over the last couple of days in response to someone else´s blog (she is just a few days sober). I thought I would post my responses here in the hope that they are of value to someone (this person knows I´m doing this and thinks it´s a good idea).


“I can relate to everything you´ve said and I´ve been where you are now. I tried to stop drinking on my own, but the thing is that I´m an alcoholic and that´s just not possible for any length of time. If you are an alcoholic of my type there is something you should know. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. Once the alcohol is removed from an alcoholic that´s when the dis-ease really kicks in and starts to cause pain, and one thing that you may find frightening is this. Will power is USELESS. I thought I just needed more willpower, but I had plenty of that, and this is one of the reasons so many people die from this disease, we think if we can just be strong enough we can fight this thing. Err, well . . . good luck with that!!


The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.


AA is often the last house on the block for an alcoholic. We will try everything else we can think of before we land up there. The majority of us die trying. I was just like you. I thought I could beat this thing myself. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I´m one of the lucky ones, because even though I live in a very isolated place where I cannot get to AA meetings, AA saved my life, and, as you know, I will have 2 years of sobriety this Monday 17th May. But I had to reach a point of incomprehensible demoralization before I would take the solution AA was offering me, because like you I was an Atheist (a very outspoken one!!).


The posts you are reading on my blog at the moment are not me at the end of my drinking. I had further down to go than that. I had to reach a point of absolutely NO HOPE before I could really honestly and willingly attempt to seek a power greater than myself. Because I had never believed that there was such a thing as a Higher Power (God, or whatever), so what was the point of seeking something that didn’t exist? Mumbo jumbo make-believe crap, I thought.


But on the night of my last drunk I was puking my guts up into my toilet and something died inside me. That something was hope. I was without hope. I finally knew beyond ALL doubt that alcoholism had me beaten and that it would not stop until I was dead. That was my “gift of desperation moment” as I like to call it ;-)Because finally, as I was down there on my knees, desperate and hopeless, a remarkable thing happened. I prayed. I prayed earnestly and desperately to a power that I didn’t believe existed.


Here´s the miracle. Here´s the thing that still blows my mind today and gives me goosebumps every time I write about it . . .


At that moment, at that VERY moment . . . the desire to drink was REMOVED from me . . . and from that day to this (despite some very difficult times in my sobriety) I have NEVER felt the need or desire to drink again”



AND



“You said "I was tempted on a few occasions, but I kept telling myself it really isn't worth it. I'd wake up with a horrible headache, waste the day in bed, probably be sick and highly disappointed in myself."


If you are a real alcoholic, that is not going to be enough to carry you very far. Also, right now is not a good time to be hanging around people that are drinking. You are only a few days sober and do not have the solution as to how to remain sober and content - you are just torturing yourself . . . but I did the same thing and I´m absolutely NOT judging you for it!


I do not have the desire or compulsion to drink today and I can go anywhere where alcohol is served, but when I finally hit bottom with my drinking I steered clear of alcohol for a long time because Im an alcoholic, and my sobriety is the number one priority in my life . . . . because without it I do not get to have a life.


Here is a link to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Doctor´s Opinion will help you to determine if you are alcoholic or not. It is possible that you are just a problem drinker. If you are a problem drinker then it is possible for you to stop and stay stopped if you want to badly enough . . . . . if, however you are an alcoholic of my type NO amount of willpower will help you to stay sober for very long.


The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous



This may also help you to determine whether you are either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. They are two VERY different things.


When you listen to this talk do not compare his story to yours. Can you relate to how he FEELS? I can. Alcoholism did not take me to the places that it took him to (though I did want to kill myself many, many times), but our war stories are not really relevant. It´s what alcoholism does to us inside that is the relevant and qualifying thing. When I listen to this talk I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.”

Talk By Bob D - a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

Edited to add (Taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - page 44):
To make a CLEAR distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic - If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.







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Early sobriety exhaustion

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for less than 3 weeks - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.

30th March 2008
I´ve realized something about myself today that is a bit of a shock – I WAS most definitely aggressive on many occasions when I drank. I never believed that I was, but I can now remember many instances when I was confrontational and aggressive. My aggression would more often than not be directed towards people that I was close to, so it´s no wonder that I alienated them, but sometimes I was definitely aggressive and confrontational towards people I didn’t know. I was also very opinionated and dogmatic. My behavior didn't seem unreasonable to me in my drunken state, but the morning after . . . . . . . . massive self loathing and horror and always the thought that next time it would be different, next time I would only have a couple of glasses of wine. Ha!! Next time was always just the same.

It´s not particularly pleasant to be discovering these things about myself, but I can see that it´s absolutely essential for me to face the truth about my behavior. I´m starting to realize that I´ve been deluded about many things my whole life. I thought I was quite self aware – I now see that this was yet another delusion of mine.

2nd April
Hi Kelly,
It´s such a shame that I haven´t got my computer as I think it would be good to be able to talk on Skype. I can totally understand when you say in your post that you feel like a hypocrite because earlier in the week you wrote about gratitude but are not really feeling that it´s enough to carry you at the moment. This is exactly the same for me. One day I´m on top of the world and feel so grateful and happy to be sober and alive and then the next day I´m in the depths of depression. Yesterday I got so low and tired that I almost ended up having a drink. I don´t even want one but I guess that´s what this alcoholism thing is all about. We have a disease and even if we don´t want a drink IT will always be waiting until we are vulnerable to try and persuade us otherwise.


I´m going to have to go now as I´m getting really tired again. I have never felt so tired in my life but I´m so glad I´m not drinking. We are going through the biggest and most important journey of our lives. Neither of us have anyone around us who can really understand what it´s like, and that certainly makes me feel quite isolated. I´m glad we are in contact but it would be even better if we could speak to each other. Please ring me when you get back from New York.

3rd April
Hi Kelly,

I hope you managed to find a meeting somewhere. I expect there are plenty available in New York! I´ve been having a few bad days myself recently, but one thing I´ve realised is that even my worst day sober is still better than my best days drinking. That sort of helps me to get things in perspective. I´m feeling down and depressed but at least I haven´t got that hideous anxiety that was overwhelming me when I was drinking. The fear has gone, and for that I am truly grateful.

I´ve been having a lot of telephone contact with a man called Mike who has been sober for 28 years. I have a fantastic connection with him and he can always make me feel better when I´m struggling. Anyway, he is going to try and come and see me tomorrow. The journey will take him over an hour. He´s got cancer and a whole host of other problems but he´s taking the time out to come and see me and it makes me feel very humble. His AA group have decided to donate me a copy of The Big Book. Apparantly they talk about me a lot in their meetings and even though none of them have met me they all want to help in any way that they can. This bond with other alcoholics is like nothing I have ever known before and it´s another thing that I can add to my gratitude list. Mike even says to me that he´s glad he´s an alcoholic. He feels that the richness of life as a sober alcoholic is something he would not swap. I hope we can feel like that one day.

Have you got any sober alcoholics that you speak to on the phone? If you haven´t then I really think you should try and find someone. Of course I hope that you and I will have some phone contact soon but we will have to be careful because of the cost. If you could find someone reasonably local that you have a bond with I think it would really make a difference. Mike certainly makes a big difference to me. I can´t wait to see him tomorrow. I´m going to give him the biggest hug!

I know you have friends where you are but however hard they try they will not always be able to give you what you need. Only another alcoholic can give us total understanding without the need for explanation.

For me at the moment my alcoholism is all consuming for me. I only admitted I was an alcoholic 20 days ago. That fact has changed my whole life overnight. This thing is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me and I want to talk about it and work my way through learning to live with it, but it´s other alcoholics I want to talk to.

Even though you are having a really tough time at the moment dealing with your grief, it is something you are managing to do sober and for that you should be really proud of yourself. I am certainly proud of you and full of admiration. Right now you are going through the toughest time of your life and even though you think you´re not dealing with it very well, you are. You are still sober. That´s a huge achievement.

Well, I guess I will go and have a quick look at the forum before I go home. I can´t be bothered to write any posts at the moment and I can´t even manage to read more than a few posts a day right now, but I still look at it every day just to remind myself that I am not alone in this. I struggle from time to time but I can reach out and find others who are going through the same thing and somehow that makes it easier.

INTERNET ADDICTION
Another blogger with a FANTASTIC blog has asked me to post this poll about Internet addiction. I hope you will take part.

Stark Raving Sober









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