Losing my way

Taken from my journal at around 33 days sober - at 30 days sober I felt great, but I had not got serious with my 12 Step program and it was only a matter of time before I drank again . . . . .


I´m feeling really bad today. I went out to a bar last night and I only stayed for just over an hour. It was tedious to sit there without a drink. My boyfriend was there and he had a great time and then he went on to a club and didn´t get home until 5.30am. I miss doing all that and I´m completely and utterly fed up. All of a sudden I feel that I just don´t want to live without alcohol in my life. I felt like an outsider last night, and today I feel as bad as if I went out and got trashed last night. I know that if I make more of an effort with the spiritual side of the AA program I will no doubt feel much better, but right now I don´t even know if I want to (little bit of self pity going on here I think!!).


My only friend here is moving back to England soon and I´m feeling really down about that. All life in this village revolves around bars and drinking. If I had a meeting to go to or at least another recovering alcoholic here to spend time with it would be easier to cope with. As it is I just feel like giving in right now. I sound pathetic.


I was even trying to kid myself earlier on today that I´m not actually an alcoholic. I just wanted to find an excuse to drink, which no doubt means I really AM an alcoholic!!! I seem to have lost my way BIG time. I´ve not had a drink (yet), but I feel certain that it´s going to happen sometime soon. Not today maybe, but soon. I can´t get out of my head the thought that I may not actually be an alcoholic. I´m pretty sure that I´m kidding myself with that thought. I just want
to be able to drink again and to enjoy myself like non alcoholics. I´m thinking "I won´t drink at home, only in bars and only on a Saturday night." Wouldn´t it be great if I could actually do that!!! I want to believe that I can do it. Why???? If I were honest with myself I would know that this is something I can never do, but I don´t feel like listening to that voice of reason right now.


Maybe this is going to be something I actually need to do so that I can see once and for all that I really have no control over alcohol. I´m very confused. Where is my brain right now???? I think it´s in a bar knocking back as many beers as it can. It´s just waiting for my body to catch up.


I know what the problem is with me at the moment. I have been reading the Big Book and am just coming to the end now, but I have been neglecting the actual work on the steps lately. I had step 1 all done and dusted in my head during my first 4 weeks sober. I think it was going out on Saturday night and feeling so lost and alone when everyone else was drinking that it made me feel that just maybe I had got it all wrong about my alcoholism. Just maybe I could drink in a controlled manner like some of them. It´s probably not a good place for me to go to at the moment. It´s alright to pop into the bar in the day for a couple of coffees, but it´s a whole different thing to go there on a weekend night.


I´m starting to see the importance of so many things in this program. One day at a time makes so much sense now. I´m wasting too much time worrying about my future sobriety when I should just be concentrating on today. It really is only the last few days that I have felt like this but it´s because I´ve got lazy with the program. Initially I felt such peace and calm due to working steps 2 and 3. I loved sobriety. The only reason I´m not loving it now is because I have completely neglected my work on the steps over the last week. I don´t know why I have let things slide like this.


I think I need to remind myself what it was like when I was drinking. It´s amazing how only 5 weeks in I can think to myself “Oh, I wasn´t that bad really.” It´s no doubt the alcoholic part of my mind wanting to lure me back into my old ways. Deep down I know I was bad. I don´t think I had completely alienated all people in my life, but I had alienated me from myself. I was suicidal so much of the time and I know that was down to my drinking because I don´t feel suicidal now and the only thing different about my life is that I´m sober.


I don´t want to get drunk again. I just want to be able to drink like a non alcoholic and I´m not sure why I think that this could be possible. It´s certainly never been possible in the past. I need to keep using the Serenity prayer because I find that very helpful. I haven´t been using it lately. I need to make a real
effort to get back into the whole AA lifestyle. I was really enjoying how I felt and I can see now that it was all because of AA and not just because I was sober.


I know I´ve got a lot of work to do and this life of sobriety can only be taken one day at a time. I´m going to stop worrying about nights out, Christmas and New Year and all those other times when alcohol is a key part in the proceedings. These
things should not be on my mind today. Today is the only thing that is important right now, and today I do not need or want a drink!!

The dis-ease of alcoholism is present within me today

Today I feel overwhelmed and anxious – today I´m not in a very good spot. Trying to get a business off the ground is tough, and today I´m just not sure if I´m up to the job. I´m sticking close to my AA programme as best I can and I´m trying to do the next right thing, but at the moment I don´t know what the next right thing is. I´m weighed down and confused by all the marketing information on the internet, nothing is as easy as it initially looks and I seem to be wasting hours and hours trying to work out how to do things that should be simple – is it just me?? Probably.

I´m exhausted, demoralized and I´m full of fear. Coming up to 2 years sober with no meetings to go to and nobody to talk to. I hate sounding so full of self pity – it makes me sick. I don´t want or need to drink today, and for that I´m very grateful, but I´m just so tired of being so isolated and having almost zero income.

I will get things into perspective soon – I can´t afford not to. One thing I have learnt in my recovery is I cannot afford the luxury of being disturbed for more than a few hours at a time - I live in a place where there is nowhere else to go except for bars. I live in a place where there are no other recovering alcoholics for me to connect with – so if I don´t get back on the beam pretty quickly I am screwed.

I think of my alcoholism as a dis-ease – basically my natural state is one of great disturbance and dis-ease. Alcohol was my remedy to get rid of the disturbance and anxiety . . . . but it was a remedy that almost killed me. The only way for me to live with this dis-ease and be rid of that disturbance is to live by a simple set of spiritual principles called The 12 Steps. It works – but I don´t always work it as well as I should and then I get disturbed again . . . .

I´m cutting this short to go and read some of my Big Book and seek to connect with my Higher Power. Maybe it would also be a good idea for me to listen to an AA speaker tape – those tapes have been a BIG part of my recovery and I realise I haven´t listened to one for a while now. Sometimes I think it was easier when I was very newly sober because I ate, slept and breathed AA . . . . now I´m not doing that . . . . and today it really shows . . . . .

Sobriety in isolation

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for only a few days - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.


24th March 2008

All my plans of doing other things today seem to have gone out of the window! It’s 5.30pm and I’m still not washed and dressed. Bath is running though, so it’s definitely going to happen. I’ve just eaten so that’s progress from yesterday. I’ve got to go and get some more soft drinks later. I can’t believe how much fluid I’m feeling the need to take in. Gallons and gallons of the stuff.

Ok. Bath is done and dusted but I´ve decided not to bother going to the shop. Tomorrow is another day. For the past couple of hours I´ve been feeling high as a kite!! What the hell is that all about?? Not that I’m complaining or anything but I’ve just never had a natural high before and it’s all new to me. I’ve been singing, dancing and laughing. My friend Sean just rang and he couldn’t believe that I hadn’t taken anything!! I’ve been drinking and doing drugs for years and have never had a high as good as this, but now I’m a little suspicious that I’m going to have to pay for it with some sort of come down! Do you know that today I feel that I wouldn’t have a drink if someone paid me (well, maybe - if it was a LOT of money!). I don’t need a drink and best of all, I DON’T WANT A DRINK!!!!! The joy of sobriety, well that was a well kept secret wasn’t it!!?? Maybe I can appreciate it more because of what I’ve been through with alcohol. Maybe ‘normal’ people don’t appreciate it quite as much. Who knows? Who cares?!


24th March 2008
I’ve had what I’ve just been told is a ‘pink cloud’ day today. It´s been fantastic!! I’ve been high as a kite and it’s all natural!! Apparently that could be a danger time but I haven’t wanted a drink all day. I just feel that I´ve finally got a lot of stuff sorted out in my head and I know for a fact that alcohol is just not an option for me anymore. Of course I can only take it one day at a time because who knows when this disease will try and trick me into thinking it’s ok to have a drink?? I’m pretty confident that I won’t try and convince myself some time in the future that I’m not an alcoholic and that I can just have a few drinks here and there. 25 years of trying to control it and failing is enough to convince me of that!! But having said that I just haven’t ever been sober long enough to know what this disease is going to try and do to me. This is why it’s so important to have A.A. in my life.

26th March 2008
I DID pay for the high I experienced 2 days ago - my new computer broke down yesterday!! I was in a pretty bad place for a while. I had a complete meltdown and the first thing that came into my head was that I MUST have a drink!! I had alcohol in the house and I was REALLY close to taking that first drink. Then I had the good sense to pick up the phone and listen to the wisdom of someone with many years sobriety. One of the things he said to me was that I only have 10 days sobriety but I´m trying to rush through everything so that I can feel like I´ve got 10 years under my belt. Damn it – he´s right . . . how did he know that??!! He reminded me that it´s just one day at a time. With his help I managed to get myself back into a good place mentally and today I´ve got that alcohol out of my house. I gave it away to someone – I just couldn´t bring myself to throw it down the drain for some reason!!


27th March
When I start getting a bit frazzled it usually means I need to sleep or eat. This whole process is quite draining and I do seem to get tired very easily. Even when I'm having bad times I definitely don´t WANT a drink. My body might still be craving it and also the alcoholic part of my mind, but ME (the real me) just isn't interested. My life was a complete chaotic mess when I was drinking and I hated myself. I'm getting to know and like myself now and I also realize that sober is not at all boring. Drunk is VERY boring!!

When I wake each day now I count the things I’m thankful for and don’t dwell on all the things that are wrong with my life. That was the old me, before I got sober. Of course it won’t guarantee me a life of happiness. I’m still going to get sad and angry and sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself, but I’m damned if I’m going to waste any more of my precious life by letting negative thoughts rule me. Happiness is nothing more than a state of mind and it´s something that I have to create for myself - it doesn’t just happen! A negative person could win $50,000 and still be miserable, probably wishing he’d won more! A positive person could win $5 and be bubbling over with happiness and gratitude!!


28th March
I´ve been without my computer for 4 days and I can now look at it as a blessing in disguise. Suddenly being without my main lifeline on day 10 of my sobriety was a MASSIVE shock to my alcoholic mind and it threw the devil very firmly on to my shoulder. He said to me "You can´t deal with this. Have a drink. You know it will make you feel better." I had alcohol in my house and almost without realizing what I was doing I went to it as if it were calling me. It was an automatic response to all the problems I´ve encountered in life before I got sober just a handful of days ago. I stopped myself just in time. I didn´t want to let myself down or the people I have recently made friends with. How could I ever talk to them again after telling them how well I´m doing and how confident I am that I´m going to be able to resist that first drink??!!


It was a BIG wake up call for me and I´m very grateful for it. I can see more than ever now how important it is for me to have daily contact with other A.A. members. Being able to pick up the phone and speak to another alcoholic with many years of sobriety, who has been through all I´m going through now, saved me from having that first drink.


I´m back on track now and feeling very positive again, but also very aware of how close I came to allowing this disease to drag me back into it´s lair. It took me completely by surprise and I was stunned by it´s power to take over my mind and body. When I get back on-line I´m going to study the Big Book and work the Steps as if my life depends on it . . . . because IT DOES.

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Ok, on with my story (to read from the beginning of my story just scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up - or go to "March" in the archives which are at the bottom of the side bar):

March 20th 2008
Hi Jenny, How wonderful of you to contact me! I can't wait to check out the websites and forums you´ve told me about. Thank you so, so much for getting me an invite to that private forum. It´s good to know that only recovering alcoholics who´ve been referred can have access to it, that makes me feel like it´s a safe environment to talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Today completes 5 days of sobriety for me. It was only 6 days ago that I was finally left with no other alternative than to admit I am an alcoholic. Quite a sobering thought!! Today has been the best I´ve felt so far and at times I can honestly say I have felt some peace. I haven't felt any peace in my life ever before. This feeling for me is going to be more addictive than alcohol or drugs, it's something I´ve been craving for years and now I´ve had a glimpse of it I want more and more of it.

I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief to discover I'm an alcoholic. I can now give up the struggle of attempting to moderate my drinking (It's not worked for the last 26 years so I think it's a good assumption that it will never work!). No more waking up with that terrible feeling of self loathing and confusion. No more thinking that I´m going crazy. For the first time in many years I´m getting a decent night's sleep, and hey, I can dream again and I'd forgotten what that was like.

Of course I'm having some bad moments but I just read a bit more of the Big Book on-line or pick up the phone to Mike, have a bath, pace around the house, or eat chocolate . . . . and before I know it the feeling has passed. Now and then for minutes at a time I can even forget this all consuming thing that I´m experiencing. I was going to start writing a journal but nothing has materialized yet because I´m just soaking up the peace, and then when I´m feeling frazzled and anxious I´m not capable of doing anything constructive at all.

I´m so grateful for the support that Mike has given me. As I'm sure you can understand, sometimes the only other person I want to open my heart to is another recovering alcoholic. Non alcoholics may try to understand but it seems to me that most of them just think I´m weak and if only I had a bit more will power everything would be ok. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!

You´ve been sober for over 17 years and that gives me so much hope for myself. I´m not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. I feel so alone and vulnerable.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough. Thanks so much for throwing me another life line.

March 21st 2008

Hi, I was just reading the forum for the first time and saw your post from a few days ago. I hope you don´t mind me emailing you. I don´t know if I can help you but all I want to do right now is hold out my hand to you.
I don’t know how long you have been sober but I expect it is much longer than me – I only have 6 days today. Maybe one day I will be feeling the way you are feeling now, but today my head is in a good place. Today I have the one thing I cherish above all else. Today I have peace of mind.
I have been suicidal many times in the past when I was drinking. My drinking career has been a long one. I really DO know how you are feeling. I even got to the point where I had written my suicide letters. That was only 3 weeks ago. Today I am SO glad I never took that final step.

Please do not choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Tomorrow is always only a day away and who knows how different things could look then?

I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life but today I´m desperate enough to at least open up my mind to the possibility of some sort of higher power – it does sound crazy to me, but I´m willing to take a look because I really don’t have any other option now as far as I can see. I´m trying to forget about a higher power as an outside concept. Why can’t that higher power be something you find within yourself? Our brains have such a vast untapped potential. If I learn to change the pictures and sounds in my mind I may be able to get conscious control over my life. The way I feel from moment to moment is a direct result of the pictures and sounds I´m making in my mind. Nothing upsets me more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time (actually, if I am honest, I can´t take ANY criticism!!), but the worst critic I will ever encounter is the one who lives inside my own mind. The way I talk to myself has a profound impact on my emotional state. I always get more of what I focus on in life. If I continue to focus only on the negative then I will only have negativity in my life. I never actually realized I had a choice over what goes on in my head – it´s a revelation to me.

I hope you don’t find any of this patronizing, it really isn’t meant to be. I´m learning this from the only person I´ve spoken to in AA so far – he´s been sober for almost 30 years and he´s so full of wisdom. I just wanted to share with you something that´s REALLY helping me in a big way – in the hope that it will help you too. I need peace in my life. I´ve certainly never found it at the bottom of a glass or with any of the other substances I’ve taken. I´ve spent years lurching from one disaster to another. Chaos is all I´ve really known. I´m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I HAVE to find another way. I really hope you find a way of climbing out of this hell you are in. If I can offer you any support at all then that will also help me with what I´m going through.

21st March 2008

Hi Jenny, Just saw your message on the forum and it made me laugh! Thanks for thinking of me. I haven't posted anything yet but have spent hours reading the posts. I was struck by the post from ***** so I took some time to write him a long email. I´m in a really good place today and felt the need to reach out to someone who was in a bad place.

I´m still getting the shakes, but instead of filling me with horror, as it did initially, it just makes me laugh at the absurdity of what I have been doing to myself all these years. Who knew that being sober could feel so good? I had no idea. I've had my first day of complete peace of mind. No anxiety whatsoever. I feel serene and uplifted by my sobriety. I would rather cut my arm off than take a drink today. Tomorrow could be a different story, but today has been a precious gift that I will remember and treasure. I´ve had an inner smile all day long. Being drunk never felt as good as this. I used to think that being sober was boring but it´s anything other than boring now that I´m sober with the help and support of A.A. Being drunk is incredibly boring compared to how I feel today. I may post something on the site tomorrow. I think I might be a little shy but I'm sure I'll get over it.

21st March – my first post on the forum.

Hi, I´m new here. I´ve just completed 6 days of sobriety. The first 4 days were really tough. The anxiety, shakes, cravings and crazy rollercoaster of emotions nearly overwhelmed me. The 5th day was much better and I even felt some moments of peace. Today has been really, really good. I still had an episode of the shakes, but no anxiety whatsoever. No desire to tear my hair out or run around the house screaming. Progress indeed!

I am not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote Spanish village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. The bars are full of alcoholics. Last week I was one of them. I will always be one of them. The difference is that today I chose not to drink.

My computer and my telephone are my lifeline. I reached out to one person in A.A. and now I have three people who are willing to help. I don´t feel alone anymore, and today I don´t even want a drink. Today I have found some real peace and that´s something I´ve never known before. I don´t know what tomorrow will bring but today has been a gift to treasure.

8 days ago I was left with no other option than to admit I was an alcoholic. I first got drunk when I was about 9 years old and from then on I got my hands on alcohol whenever I could. I had a serious problem with both alcohol and drugs by the age of 14. A couple of uppers on the way to school - when I bothered to go. A joint during break time. Lunchtime at the pub, knocking back a few vodkas, and usually not making it back to school. Sobering up just in time to show my face at home then climbing out of my bedroom window at night to drink, do acid and smoke pot. Amazingly I actually passed quite a few exams! How the hell did that happen??

I eased up a bit when I had to work but there were still plenty of binges and I´m pretty sure that I was drinking almost every day. I couldn´t see anything wrong with it. I always wondered why my life was so chaotic and full of disaster. It just never occurred to me that it had anything to do with me, my drinking and my behaviour. I´m guessing that my disease has hidden a lot of things from me.

Drugs and alcohol have been a constant part of my life since childhood, so I never really thought about it much (the drugs were merely recreational – I am not an addict). Of course people have commented on my drinking, but I never really took much notice. Then I met Sam and he barely drank. He was horrified by my constant need to drink. I started to drink in secret. We moved abroad over 3 years ago and my drinking got completely out of control. He threatened to leave. I was so scared and immediately stopped and stayed stopped for almost 3 months. It was the worst time of my life and how I didn´t harm myself and others around me is a mystery to me. Enforced sobriety when I was ignorant of my disease was more dangerous to me than to carry on drinking. I had a complete mental breakdown and received no medical help whatsoever. I developed phobias of just about everything. Fear and anxiety were my constant companions.

Sam finally left me a year ago. I guess I was even more of a nightmare to live with when my drinking was being controlled. When he left there was nobody to regulate my drinking. Guess what happened next?!! I got down to the serious business of drinking without restraint. When I was in a bar I HAD to have another beer lined up before I was half way through the one I was drinking. I felt too anxious to wait even a few minutes between drinks.

Self loathing and anxiety started to eat me up and I couldn´t understand what was happening to me. I hated myself and I thought I was losing my mind. I lost 25lbs of my body weight. Three weeks ago I wrote suicide letters and tried to make my will. Then I looked at my animals and knew that they would be put to sleep if I killed myself. That´s what stopped me. Two weeks ago I finally admitted to myself that I should probably stop drinking. It took me 3 days to realize that I was unable to stop. I poured 2 litres of wine down my throat then phoned A.A.

Admitting I´m an alcoholic has been the biggest relief of my life. Now, maybe, I can actually have a life. 7 days later I´m more content than I have ever been. With the support of A.A. regular meals (and chocolate) I´m finally discovering peace and it's my new addiction!! Today I have an inner smile to match the one that is on my face right now. Today I will not seek the teeth that wound me.