Discovering the power of prayer

Taken from my journal at around 7 weeks sober:

My boyfriend is drinking a lot right now and seems to be completely insensitive to my situation. We had a big row about it and I got myself very upset and the desire to drink was strong. I prayed like crazy and the desire went away, which surprised me more than you can know! The following day my window shutters broke. It´s no big deal but it was just the final straw and I made the decision to go out to the nearest bar and get drunk to escape from everything. The insanity of this disease kicked in with a vengeance and I didn´t even want to do anything to stop it. Everything I´d worked for over the last 7 weeks didn´t feature in my head at all. I was going to get drunk and that was that. It didn´t matter a damn who saw me or what anyone thought. I couldn´t have cared less at that point.

My boyfriend´s cousin turned up as I was leaving the house (she never visits me so this was a miracle in itself!). I told her where I was going and said it was up to her if she wanted to join me or not. She held on to me and said there was no way she was going to let me go even if it meant staying here with me all day and night. I got quite angry with her but she didn´t let go of me. We ended up sobbing our hearts out and I clung to her for dear life. In that moment my sanity returned and has stayed with me for the past 2 days. I´ve had lots of rest and lots of food, and I´ve been reading the Big Book and been trying to pray as best I can. It´s hard for me to get my head around this praying thing, but I´m desperate enough to try because I just can´t go back to the life I was living before. I feel peaceful again and I am so grateful that I didn´t go out and drink the other day. Where would I be today if I´d done that?? Needless to say I´ve decided to stay away from the bars for now. I just don´t trust myself.

Ok,today my boyfriend's cousin turned up at my house again to talk to me about my boyfriend. I suddenly had a very strong urge to drink. She'd brought a couple of cans of strong beers with her(not quite sure why she brought them round when she knows I´m struggling to stay sober!!). She went in the house to get a glass, and when she had gone I picked up one of the beers. I was 2 seconds away from opening it and pouring it down my throat. The only reason I didn´t was because there were only 2 cans and I knew I would have to go and get more, because 2 cans would not be nearly enough for me.

In desperation I rushed upstairs to look for a rosary I´d been given years ago (funny how quickly I was able to find it in the chaos of my house!!). I fell to my knees and prayed to whatever higher power is supposedly there for the urge to be taken away. The urge to drink went away – it was incredible. I was stunned. Praying really does seem to work so I must keep on doing it!

Losing my way

Taken from my journal at around 33 days sober - at 30 days sober I felt great, but I had not got serious with my 12 Step program and it was only a matter of time before I drank again . . . . .


I´m feeling really bad today. I went out to a bar last night and I only stayed for just over an hour. It was tedious to sit there without a drink. My boyfriend was there and he had a great time and then he went on to a club and didn´t get home until 5.30am. I miss doing all that and I´m completely and utterly fed up. All of a sudden I feel that I just don´t want to live without alcohol in my life. I felt like an outsider last night, and today I feel as bad as if I went out and got trashed last night. I know that if I make more of an effort with the spiritual side of the AA program I will no doubt feel much better, but right now I don´t even know if I want to (little bit of self pity going on here I think!!).


My only friend here is moving back to England soon and I´m feeling really down about that. All life in this village revolves around bars and drinking. If I had a meeting to go to or at least another recovering alcoholic here to spend time with it would be easier to cope with. As it is I just feel like giving in right now. I sound pathetic.


I was even trying to kid myself earlier on today that I´m not actually an alcoholic. I just wanted to find an excuse to drink, which no doubt means I really AM an alcoholic!!! I seem to have lost my way BIG time. I´ve not had a drink (yet), but I feel certain that it´s going to happen sometime soon. Not today maybe, but soon. I can´t get out of my head the thought that I may not actually be an alcoholic. I´m pretty sure that I´m kidding myself with that thought. I just want
to be able to drink again and to enjoy myself like non alcoholics. I´m thinking "I won´t drink at home, only in bars and only on a Saturday night." Wouldn´t it be great if I could actually do that!!! I want to believe that I can do it. Why???? If I were honest with myself I would know that this is something I can never do, but I don´t feel like listening to that voice of reason right now.


Maybe this is going to be something I actually need to do so that I can see once and for all that I really have no control over alcohol. I´m very confused. Where is my brain right now???? I think it´s in a bar knocking back as many beers as it can. It´s just waiting for my body to catch up.


I know what the problem is with me at the moment. I have been reading the Big Book and am just coming to the end now, but I have been neglecting the actual work on the steps lately. I had step 1 all done and dusted in my head during my first 4 weeks sober. I think it was going out on Saturday night and feeling so lost and alone when everyone else was drinking that it made me feel that just maybe I had got it all wrong about my alcoholism. Just maybe I could drink in a controlled manner like some of them. It´s probably not a good place for me to go to at the moment. It´s alright to pop into the bar in the day for a couple of coffees, but it´s a whole different thing to go there on a weekend night.


I´m starting to see the importance of so many things in this program. One day at a time makes so much sense now. I´m wasting too much time worrying about my future sobriety when I should just be concentrating on today. It really is only the last few days that I have felt like this but it´s because I´ve got lazy with the program. Initially I felt such peace and calm due to working steps 2 and 3. I loved sobriety. The only reason I´m not loving it now is because I have completely neglected my work on the steps over the last week. I don´t know why I have let things slide like this.


I think I need to remind myself what it was like when I was drinking. It´s amazing how only 5 weeks in I can think to myself “Oh, I wasn´t that bad really.” It´s no doubt the alcoholic part of my mind wanting to lure me back into my old ways. Deep down I know I was bad. I don´t think I had completely alienated all people in my life, but I had alienated me from myself. I was suicidal so much of the time and I know that was down to my drinking because I don´t feel suicidal now and the only thing different about my life is that I´m sober.


I don´t want to get drunk again. I just want to be able to drink like a non alcoholic and I´m not sure why I think that this could be possible. It´s certainly never been possible in the past. I need to keep using the Serenity prayer because I find that very helpful. I haven´t been using it lately. I need to make a real
effort to get back into the whole AA lifestyle. I was really enjoying how I felt and I can see now that it was all because of AA and not just because I was sober.


I know I´ve got a lot of work to do and this life of sobriety can only be taken one day at a time. I´m going to stop worrying about nights out, Christmas and New Year and all those other times when alcohol is a key part in the proceedings. These
things should not be on my mind today. Today is the only thing that is important right now, and today I do not need or want a drink!!