Taken from my journal at around 7 weeks sober:
My boyfriend is drinking a lot right now and seems to be completely insensitive to my situation. We had a big row about it and I got myself very upset and the desire to drink was strong. I prayed like crazy and the desire went away, which surprised me more than you can know! The following day my window shutters broke. It´s no big deal but it was just the final straw and I made the decision to go out to the nearest bar and get drunk to escape from everything. The insanity of this disease kicked in with a vengeance and I didn´t even want to do anything to stop it. Everything I´d worked for over the last 7 weeks didn´t feature in my head at all. I was going to get drunk and that was that. It didn´t matter a damn who saw me or what anyone thought. I couldn´t have cared less at that point.
My boyfriend´s cousin turned up as I was leaving the house (she never visits me so this was a miracle in itself!). I told her where I was going and said it was up to her if she wanted to join me or not. She held on to me and said there was no way she was going to let me go even if it meant staying here with me all day and night. I got quite angry with her but she didn´t let go of me. We ended up sobbing our hearts out and I clung to her for dear life. In that moment my sanity returned and has stayed with me for the past 2 days. I´ve had lots of rest and lots of food, and I´ve been reading the Big Book and been trying to pray as best I can. It´s hard for me to get my head around this praying thing, but I´m desperate enough to try because I just can´t go back to the life I was living before. I feel peaceful again and I am so grateful that I didn´t go out and drink the other day. Where would I be today if I´d done that?? Needless to say I´ve decided to stay away from the bars for now. I just don´t trust myself.
Ok,today my boyfriend's cousin turned up at my house again to talk to me about my boyfriend. I suddenly had a very strong urge to drink. She'd brought a couple of cans of strong beers with her(not quite sure why she brought them round when she knows I´m struggling to stay sober!!). She went in the house to get a glass, and when she had gone I picked up one of the beers. I was 2 seconds away from opening it and pouring it down my throat. The only reason I didn´t was because there were only 2 cans and I knew I would have to go and get more, because 2 cans would not be nearly enough for me.
In desperation I rushed upstairs to look for a rosary I´d been given years ago (funny how quickly I was able to find it in the chaos of my house!!). I fell to my knees and prayed to whatever higher power is supposedly there for the urge to be taken away. The urge to drink went away – it was incredible. I was stunned. Praying really does seem to work so I must keep on doing it!
Showing posts with label cravings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cravings. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Saturday, April 3, 2010
First contact with AA
More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. This post is where I first discover I´m an alcoholic. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.
After I´d done the alcoholism questionnaire I was full of fear, I was crying, and I was drunk. I scoured the internet looking for a number for AA here in Spain. It´s actually very easy to find, but because of the state I was in I couldn´t find anything. I became frantic and phoned The Samaritans suicide hotline in the UK and cried and ranted to them for a while. Eventually I found a telephone number for an English AA meeting here in Spain and that was the first time I spoke to Mike.
I think it´s safe to say that Mike was not too hopeful about me when we first spoke. He sounded a little exasperated by my sobbing - and when I told him I had no transport available to me he said I had no chance of staying sober if I couldn´t get to meetings. This completely terrified me and I went into a bit of a meltdown and got hysterical - he promised to ring me the next day when I was sober.
The next few days are a bit of a blur. I know that Mike phoned me every day, more than once, and that he quickly became aware of how desperately I wanted to stay sober. I remember pacing up and down my hallway frantically whilst talking to Mike, just trying to get through the next 5 minutes without a drink. I remember listening to his words of wisdom and his soothing voice and just knowing that I didn’t stand a chance if I didn´t have him to talk to. I know that I read the 12 Steps of AA and despite the fact that I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life I didn´t bat an eyelid when I read the word “God” here and there in the Steps. That shows the level of my desperation – I could not care less what I had to do to stay sober. If I was going to have to pray, then pray I would – suddenly it just didn´t matter what I did and didn´t believe in. I HAD to stay sober at any cost.
My withdrawal from alcohol was pretty horrible again and I didn´t even think to write about it at the time – I was barely able to function at all. But a few days into my sobriety I started to write emails and then I joined forums. So I have a pretty good record of my journey. There will be some editing here and there so as not to break anyone´s anonymity – alcoholics and non alcoholics alike.
March 16th 2008
“Hi Mike. I've had quite a good evening, mainly thanks to your tip about having plenty of sweet stuff. I felt really anxious and bad for a little while and so I went on the hunt for lots of sugary stuff and feel fine again now. I´ve avoided sugar for years, but now I really need it to help with these cravings. I don’t want to get fat – but more than anything I don´t want to get drunk, so I´ll have the sugar and not waste time worrying about my weight.
I can already see the need for having support from other recovering alcoholics and am so glad that I found you. I will try hard not to use up too much of your valuable time though as I know you are helping lots of other people too. I really wish there were meetings here that I could go to. If there was transport available I would be willing to travel a long way to get to one, but that option isn´t available to me. I know I must put some serious effort into this if I´m to have any hope without face to face contact with other recovering alcoholics. Right now I don´t feel like I want to be around anyone who isn´t a recovering alcoholic. I don´t even want to speak to my “normal” friends on the phone.
After my experience last week when I tried to stop I´m now realistic enough to know that even though I´m feeling positive and almost excited about the prospect of a life without alcohol right now, tonight or tomorrow could be a very different story. So, I was thinking, because you are busy helping lots of other people and I don't want to be bothering you all of the time, do you know of anyone who would be willing to have contact with me and effectively be my sponsor via telephone and email? It would help me to feel a part of A.A. It would give me an additional recovering alcoholic to speak to, which would really help. Thanks again Mike for your wonderful support and kindness. It means everything to me right now.”
More soon
Until next time
Rachel :D
After I´d done the alcoholism questionnaire I was full of fear, I was crying, and I was drunk. I scoured the internet looking for a number for AA here in Spain. It´s actually very easy to find, but because of the state I was in I couldn´t find anything. I became frantic and phoned The Samaritans suicide hotline in the UK and cried and ranted to them for a while. Eventually I found a telephone number for an English AA meeting here in Spain and that was the first time I spoke to Mike.
I think it´s safe to say that Mike was not too hopeful about me when we first spoke. He sounded a little exasperated by my sobbing - and when I told him I had no transport available to me he said I had no chance of staying sober if I couldn´t get to meetings. This completely terrified me and I went into a bit of a meltdown and got hysterical - he promised to ring me the next day when I was sober.
The next few days are a bit of a blur. I know that Mike phoned me every day, more than once, and that he quickly became aware of how desperately I wanted to stay sober. I remember pacing up and down my hallway frantically whilst talking to Mike, just trying to get through the next 5 minutes without a drink. I remember listening to his words of wisdom and his soothing voice and just knowing that I didn’t stand a chance if I didn´t have him to talk to. I know that I read the 12 Steps of AA and despite the fact that I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life I didn´t bat an eyelid when I read the word “God” here and there in the Steps. That shows the level of my desperation – I could not care less what I had to do to stay sober. If I was going to have to pray, then pray I would – suddenly it just didn´t matter what I did and didn´t believe in. I HAD to stay sober at any cost.
My withdrawal from alcohol was pretty horrible again and I didn´t even think to write about it at the time – I was barely able to function at all. But a few days into my sobriety I started to write emails and then I joined forums. So I have a pretty good record of my journey. There will be some editing here and there so as not to break anyone´s anonymity – alcoholics and non alcoholics alike.
March 16th 2008
“Hi Mike. I've had quite a good evening, mainly thanks to your tip about having plenty of sweet stuff. I felt really anxious and bad for a little while and so I went on the hunt for lots of sugary stuff and feel fine again now. I´ve avoided sugar for years, but now I really need it to help with these cravings. I don’t want to get fat – but more than anything I don´t want to get drunk, so I´ll have the sugar and not waste time worrying about my weight.
I can already see the need for having support from other recovering alcoholics and am so glad that I found you. I will try hard not to use up too much of your valuable time though as I know you are helping lots of other people too. I really wish there were meetings here that I could go to. If there was transport available I would be willing to travel a long way to get to one, but that option isn´t available to me. I know I must put some serious effort into this if I´m to have any hope without face to face contact with other recovering alcoholics. Right now I don´t feel like I want to be around anyone who isn´t a recovering alcoholic. I don´t even want to speak to my “normal” friends on the phone.
After my experience last week when I tried to stop I´m now realistic enough to know that even though I´m feeling positive and almost excited about the prospect of a life without alcohol right now, tonight or tomorrow could be a very different story. So, I was thinking, because you are busy helping lots of other people and I don't want to be bothering you all of the time, do you know of anyone who would be willing to have contact with me and effectively be my sponsor via telephone and email? It would help me to feel a part of A.A. It would give me an additional recovering alcoholic to speak to, which would really help. Thanks again Mike for your wonderful support and kindness. It means everything to me right now.”
More soon
Until next time
Rachel :D
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