Taken from my journal at around 7 weeks sober:
My boyfriend is drinking a lot right now and seems to be completely insensitive to my situation. We had a big row about it and I got myself very upset and the desire to drink was strong. I prayed like crazy and the desire went away, which surprised me more than you can know! The following day my window shutters broke. It´s no big deal but it was just the final straw and I made the decision to go out to the nearest bar and get drunk to escape from everything. The insanity of this disease kicked in with a vengeance and I didn´t even want to do anything to stop it. Everything I´d worked for over the last 7 weeks didn´t feature in my head at all. I was going to get drunk and that was that. It didn´t matter a damn who saw me or what anyone thought. I couldn´t have cared less at that point.
My boyfriend´s cousin turned up as I was leaving the house (she never visits me so this was a miracle in itself!). I told her where I was going and said it was up to her if she wanted to join me or not. She held on to me and said there was no way she was going to let me go even if it meant staying here with me all day and night. I got quite angry with her but she didn´t let go of me. We ended up sobbing our hearts out and I clung to her for dear life. In that moment my sanity returned and has stayed with me for the past 2 days. I´ve had lots of rest and lots of food, and I´ve been reading the Big Book and been trying to pray as best I can. It´s hard for me to get my head around this praying thing, but I´m desperate enough to try because I just can´t go back to the life I was living before. I feel peaceful again and I am so grateful that I didn´t go out and drink the other day. Where would I be today if I´d done that?? Needless to say I´ve decided to stay away from the bars for now. I just don´t trust myself.
Ok,today my boyfriend's cousin turned up at my house again to talk to me about my boyfriend. I suddenly had a very strong urge to drink. She'd brought a couple of cans of strong beers with her(not quite sure why she brought them round when she knows I´m struggling to stay sober!!). She went in the house to get a glass, and when she had gone I picked up one of the beers. I was 2 seconds away from opening it and pouring it down my throat. The only reason I didn´t was because there were only 2 cans and I knew I would have to go and get more, because 2 cans would not be nearly enough for me.
In desperation I rushed upstairs to look for a rosary I´d been given years ago (funny how quickly I was able to find it in the chaos of my house!!). I fell to my knees and prayed to whatever higher power is supposedly there for the urge to be taken away. The urge to drink went away – it was incredible. I was stunned. Praying really does seem to work so I must keep on doing it!
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My thoughts at 2 years of sobriety
The Alcoholics Anonymous book (AKA The Big Book) saved my life.
Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism
I have 2 years of sobriety today (17th May 2010) but that would not be possible if I did not read the Big Book of AA. The Big Book contains the 12 Steps, and it is ONLY by working and living those 12 Steps that I can remain sober, sane and at peace.
The 12 Steps has but ONE purpose – to enable me to gain and maintain conscious contact with a power greater than myself so a hopeless alcoholic like me is free from the pain of alcoholism . . . . . because when alcohol is removed from me is when my REAL suffering starts . . . . and I better have something of real substance, depth and power to replace what alcohol once gave me, or before long I am either going to drink again or I am going to go insane.
For me it is THAT simple . . . . and I will also say this because it is MY truth. I have never been to an AA meeting because I do not have that option where I live. But the reason I am happy, joyous and free today is not because of the meetings I make . . . . it is because of the Steps I take. They are in the Big Book.
I could not care less about the dated language of the Big Book – either I am willing to go to ANY lengths for my sobriety or I am not. Either I am desperate or I am not. What do I care if any of the book seems a little patronising to me as a woman?? I am aware of when it was written and I´m aware that times were very different then. The ONLY thing that matters to me is does this book have the solution I need? The answer is YES it does, and for that I am TRULY grateful.
Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism
I have 2 years of sobriety today (17th May 2010) but that would not be possible if I did not read the Big Book of AA. The Big Book contains the 12 Steps, and it is ONLY by working and living those 12 Steps that I can remain sober, sane and at peace.
The 12 Steps has but ONE purpose – to enable me to gain and maintain conscious contact with a power greater than myself so a hopeless alcoholic like me is free from the pain of alcoholism . . . . . because when alcohol is removed from me is when my REAL suffering starts . . . . and I better have something of real substance, depth and power to replace what alcohol once gave me, or before long I am either going to drink again or I am going to go insane.
For me it is THAT simple . . . . and I will also say this because it is MY truth. I have never been to an AA meeting because I do not have that option where I live. But the reason I am happy, joyous and free today is not because of the meetings I make . . . . it is because of the Steps I take. They are in the Big Book.
I could not care less about the dated language of the Big Book – either I am willing to go to ANY lengths for my sobriety or I am not. Either I am desperate or I am not. What do I care if any of the book seems a little patronising to me as a woman?? I am aware of when it was written and I´m aware that times were very different then. The ONLY thing that matters to me is does this book have the solution I need? The answer is YES it does, and for that I am TRULY grateful.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Are you a problem drinker or an alcoholic?
Here are couple of things I have written over the last couple of days in response to someone else´s blog (she is just a few days sober). I thought I would post my responses here in the hope that they are of value to someone (this person knows I´m doing this and thinks it´s a good idea).
“I can relate to everything you´ve said and I´ve been where you are now. I tried to stop drinking on my own, but the thing is that I´m an alcoholic and that´s just not possible for any length of time. If you are an alcoholic of my type there is something you should know. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. Once the alcohol is removed from an alcoholic that´s when the dis-ease really kicks in and starts to cause pain, and one thing that you may find frightening is this. Will power is USELESS. I thought I just needed more willpower, but I had plenty of that, and this is one of the reasons so many people die from this disease, we think if we can just be strong enough we can fight this thing. Err, well . . . good luck with that!!
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.
AA is often the last house on the block for an alcoholic. We will try everything else we can think of before we land up there. The majority of us die trying. I was just like you. I thought I could beat this thing myself. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I´m one of the lucky ones, because even though I live in a very isolated place where I cannot get to AA meetings, AA saved my life, and, as you know, I will have 2 years of sobriety this Monday 17th May. But I had to reach a point of incomprehensible demoralization before I would take the solution AA was offering me, because like you I was an Atheist (a very outspoken one!!).
The posts you are reading on my blog at the moment are not me at the end of my drinking. I had further down to go than that. I had to reach a point of absolutely NO HOPE before I could really honestly and willingly attempt to seek a power greater than myself. Because I had never believed that there was such a thing as a Higher Power (God, or whatever), so what was the point of seeking something that didn’t exist? Mumbo jumbo make-believe crap, I thought.
But on the night of my last drunk I was puking my guts up into my toilet and something died inside me. That something was hope. I was without hope. I finally knew beyond ALL doubt that alcoholism had me beaten and that it would not stop until I was dead. That was my “gift of desperation moment” as I like to call it ;-)Because finally, as I was down there on my knees, desperate and hopeless, a remarkable thing happened. I prayed. I prayed earnestly and desperately to a power that I didn’t believe existed.
Here´s the miracle. Here´s the thing that still blows my mind today and gives me goosebumps every time I write about it . . .
At that moment, at that VERY moment . . . the desire to drink was REMOVED from me . . . and from that day to this (despite some very difficult times in my sobriety) I have NEVER felt the need or desire to drink again”
AND
“You said "I was tempted on a few occasions, but I kept telling myself it really isn't worth it. I'd wake up with a horrible headache, waste the day in bed, probably be sick and highly disappointed in myself."
If you are a real alcoholic, that is not going to be enough to carry you very far. Also, right now is not a good time to be hanging around people that are drinking. You are only a few days sober and do not have the solution as to how to remain sober and content - you are just torturing yourself . . . but I did the same thing and I´m absolutely NOT judging you for it!
I do not have the desire or compulsion to drink today and I can go anywhere where alcohol is served, but when I finally hit bottom with my drinking I steered clear of alcohol for a long time because Im an alcoholic, and my sobriety is the number one priority in my life . . . . because without it I do not get to have a life.
Here is a link to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Doctor´s Opinion will help you to determine if you are alcoholic or not. It is possible that you are just a problem drinker. If you are a problem drinker then it is possible for you to stop and stay stopped if you want to badly enough . . . . . if, however you are an alcoholic of my type NO amount of willpower will help you to stay sober for very long.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
This may also help you to determine whether you are either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. They are two VERY different things.
When you listen to this talk do not compare his story to yours. Can you relate to how he FEELS? I can. Alcoholism did not take me to the places that it took him to (though I did want to kill myself many, many times), but our war stories are not really relevant. It´s what alcoholism does to us inside that is the relevant and qualifying thing. When I listen to this talk I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.”
Talk By Bob D - a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
Edited to add (Taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - page 44):
To make a CLEAR distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic - If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
Submit Photos to Shutterstock and make $$$!
“I can relate to everything you´ve said and I´ve been where you are now. I tried to stop drinking on my own, but the thing is that I´m an alcoholic and that´s just not possible for any length of time. If you are an alcoholic of my type there is something you should know. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. Once the alcohol is removed from an alcoholic that´s when the dis-ease really kicks in and starts to cause pain, and one thing that you may find frightening is this. Will power is USELESS. I thought I just needed more willpower, but I had plenty of that, and this is one of the reasons so many people die from this disease, we think if we can just be strong enough we can fight this thing. Err, well . . . good luck with that!!
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.
AA is often the last house on the block for an alcoholic. We will try everything else we can think of before we land up there. The majority of us die trying. I was just like you. I thought I could beat this thing myself. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I´m one of the lucky ones, because even though I live in a very isolated place where I cannot get to AA meetings, AA saved my life, and, as you know, I will have 2 years of sobriety this Monday 17th May. But I had to reach a point of incomprehensible demoralization before I would take the solution AA was offering me, because like you I was an Atheist (a very outspoken one!!).
The posts you are reading on my blog at the moment are not me at the end of my drinking. I had further down to go than that. I had to reach a point of absolutely NO HOPE before I could really honestly and willingly attempt to seek a power greater than myself. Because I had never believed that there was such a thing as a Higher Power (God, or whatever), so what was the point of seeking something that didn’t exist? Mumbo jumbo make-believe crap, I thought.
But on the night of my last drunk I was puking my guts up into my toilet and something died inside me. That something was hope. I was without hope. I finally knew beyond ALL doubt that alcoholism had me beaten and that it would not stop until I was dead. That was my “gift of desperation moment” as I like to call it ;-)Because finally, as I was down there on my knees, desperate and hopeless, a remarkable thing happened. I prayed. I prayed earnestly and desperately to a power that I didn’t believe existed.
Here´s the miracle. Here´s the thing that still blows my mind today and gives me goosebumps every time I write about it . . .
At that moment, at that VERY moment . . . the desire to drink was REMOVED from me . . . and from that day to this (despite some very difficult times in my sobriety) I have NEVER felt the need or desire to drink again”
AND
“You said "I was tempted on a few occasions, but I kept telling myself it really isn't worth it. I'd wake up with a horrible headache, waste the day in bed, probably be sick and highly disappointed in myself."
If you are a real alcoholic, that is not going to be enough to carry you very far. Also, right now is not a good time to be hanging around people that are drinking. You are only a few days sober and do not have the solution as to how to remain sober and content - you are just torturing yourself . . . but I did the same thing and I´m absolutely NOT judging you for it!
I do not have the desire or compulsion to drink today and I can go anywhere where alcohol is served, but when I finally hit bottom with my drinking I steered clear of alcohol for a long time because Im an alcoholic, and my sobriety is the number one priority in my life . . . . because without it I do not get to have a life.
Here is a link to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Doctor´s Opinion will help you to determine if you are alcoholic or not. It is possible that you are just a problem drinker. If you are a problem drinker then it is possible for you to stop and stay stopped if you want to badly enough . . . . . if, however you are an alcoholic of my type NO amount of willpower will help you to stay sober for very long.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
This may also help you to determine whether you are either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. They are two VERY different things.
When you listen to this talk do not compare his story to yours. Can you relate to how he FEELS? I can. Alcoholism did not take me to the places that it took him to (though I did want to kill myself many, many times), but our war stories are not really relevant. It´s what alcoholism does to us inside that is the relevant and qualifying thing. When I listen to this talk I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.”
Talk By Bob D - a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
Edited to add (Taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - page 44):
To make a CLEAR distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic - If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
Submit Photos to Shutterstock and make $$$!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
