Losing my way

Taken from my journal at around 33 days sober - at 30 days sober I felt great, but I had not got serious with my 12 Step program and it was only a matter of time before I drank again . . . . .


I´m feeling really bad today. I went out to a bar last night and I only stayed for just over an hour. It was tedious to sit there without a drink. My boyfriend was there and he had a great time and then he went on to a club and didn´t get home until 5.30am. I miss doing all that and I´m completely and utterly fed up. All of a sudden I feel that I just don´t want to live without alcohol in my life. I felt like an outsider last night, and today I feel as bad as if I went out and got trashed last night. I know that if I make more of an effort with the spiritual side of the AA program I will no doubt feel much better, but right now I don´t even know if I want to (little bit of self pity going on here I think!!).


My only friend here is moving back to England soon and I´m feeling really down about that. All life in this village revolves around bars and drinking. If I had a meeting to go to or at least another recovering alcoholic here to spend time with it would be easier to cope with. As it is I just feel like giving in right now. I sound pathetic.


I was even trying to kid myself earlier on today that I´m not actually an alcoholic. I just wanted to find an excuse to drink, which no doubt means I really AM an alcoholic!!! I seem to have lost my way BIG time. I´ve not had a drink (yet), but I feel certain that it´s going to happen sometime soon. Not today maybe, but soon. I can´t get out of my head the thought that I may not actually be an alcoholic. I´m pretty sure that I´m kidding myself with that thought. I just want
to be able to drink again and to enjoy myself like non alcoholics. I´m thinking "I won´t drink at home, only in bars and only on a Saturday night." Wouldn´t it be great if I could actually do that!!! I want to believe that I can do it. Why???? If I were honest with myself I would know that this is something I can never do, but I don´t feel like listening to that voice of reason right now.


Maybe this is going to be something I actually need to do so that I can see once and for all that I really have no control over alcohol. I´m very confused. Where is my brain right now???? I think it´s in a bar knocking back as many beers as it can. It´s just waiting for my body to catch up.


I know what the problem is with me at the moment. I have been reading the Big Book and am just coming to the end now, but I have been neglecting the actual work on the steps lately. I had step 1 all done and dusted in my head during my first 4 weeks sober. I think it was going out on Saturday night and feeling so lost and alone when everyone else was drinking that it made me feel that just maybe I had got it all wrong about my alcoholism. Just maybe I could drink in a controlled manner like some of them. It´s probably not a good place for me to go to at the moment. It´s alright to pop into the bar in the day for a couple of coffees, but it´s a whole different thing to go there on a weekend night.


I´m starting to see the importance of so many things in this program. One day at a time makes so much sense now. I´m wasting too much time worrying about my future sobriety when I should just be concentrating on today. It really is only the last few days that I have felt like this but it´s because I´ve got lazy with the program. Initially I felt such peace and calm due to working steps 2 and 3. I loved sobriety. The only reason I´m not loving it now is because I have completely neglected my work on the steps over the last week. I don´t know why I have let things slide like this.


I think I need to remind myself what it was like when I was drinking. It´s amazing how only 5 weeks in I can think to myself “Oh, I wasn´t that bad really.” It´s no doubt the alcoholic part of my mind wanting to lure me back into my old ways. Deep down I know I was bad. I don´t think I had completely alienated all people in my life, but I had alienated me from myself. I was suicidal so much of the time and I know that was down to my drinking because I don´t feel suicidal now and the only thing different about my life is that I´m sober.


I don´t want to get drunk again. I just want to be able to drink like a non alcoholic and I´m not sure why I think that this could be possible. It´s certainly never been possible in the past. I need to keep using the Serenity prayer because I find that very helpful. I haven´t been using it lately. I need to make a real
effort to get back into the whole AA lifestyle. I was really enjoying how I felt and I can see now that it was all because of AA and not just because I was sober.


I know I´ve got a lot of work to do and this life of sobriety can only be taken one day at a time. I´m going to stop worrying about nights out, Christmas and New Year and all those other times when alcohol is a key part in the proceedings. These
things should not be on my mind today. Today is the only thing that is important right now, and today I do not need or want a drink!!