About Me

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Recovering alcoholic originally from the UK (sobriety date 17th May 2008). Living in a remote mountain village in Spain with cats & dogs that I rescued. The village has no form of entertainment aside from 17 bars - I got sober here! I have no access to transport and have never been to an AA meeting. It´s been tough but I love sobriety with a passion! I work and live The 12 Steps. I have had a lot of support via AA friends I have met on the internet. I speak with others in recovery on a regular basis. My blog is a record of my journey in recovery taken from my journal and emails. I´m here to help if any woman is struggling with her sobriety: Please email me: Sober-Princess@hotmail.com
Medical Billing
Medical Billing I taught myself to illustrate in sobriety as there are no jobs here and I´m not eligible for any benefits. I needed to find something I could do on the computer. It has been a difficult but rewarding learning curve!! I sell my illustrations via stock agencies and on gifts in 2 shops on Zazzle (Sober Princess sells recovery related products). Funky flash panels with my most popular products are at the very bottom of this page if you want to take a look - because nobody likes a pushy salesperson ;-) Thanks! Click here to see Molly Sky Designs store and Click here to see Sober Princess Designs store I also have a store selling products for shelter animals for the only animal shelter in this area. They are struggling BIG time and need all the support they can get to stay open! ALL proceeds made from this store are going here: Click here to visit the Animal Protection Society Albox and Click here to see my Speak 4 Animals store

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Losing my way

Taken from my journal at around 33 days sober - at 30 days sober I felt great, but I had not got serious with my 12 Step program and it was only a matter of time before I drank again . . . . .


I´m feeling really bad today. I went out to a bar last night and I only stayed for just over an hour. It was tedious to sit there without a drink. My boyfriend was there and he had a great time and then he went on to a club and didn´t get home until 5.30am. I miss doing all that and I´m completely and utterly fed up. All of a sudden I feel that I just don´t want to live without alcohol in my life. I felt like an outsider last night, and today I feel as bad as if I went out and got trashed last night. I know that if I make more of an effort with the spiritual side of the AA program I will no doubt feel much better, but right now I don´t even know if I want to (little bit of self pity going on here I think!!).


My only friend here is moving back to England soon and I´m feeling really down about that. All life in this village revolves around bars and drinking. If I had a meeting to go to or at least another recovering alcoholic here to spend time with it would be easier to cope with. As it is I just feel like giving in right now. I sound pathetic.


I was even trying to kid myself earlier on today that I´m not actually an alcoholic. I just wanted to find an excuse to drink, which no doubt means I really AM an alcoholic!!! I seem to have lost my way BIG time. I´ve not had a drink (yet), but I feel certain that it´s going to happen sometime soon. Not today maybe, but soon. I can´t get out of my head the thought that I may not actually be an alcoholic. I´m pretty sure that I´m kidding myself with that thought. I just want
to be able to drink again and to enjoy myself like non alcoholics. I´m thinking "I won´t drink at home, only in bars and only on a Saturday night." Wouldn´t it be great if I could actually do that!!! I want to believe that I can do it. Why???? If I were honest with myself I would know that this is something I can never do, but I don´t feel like listening to that voice of reason right now.


Maybe this is going to be something I actually need to do so that I can see once and for all that I really have no control over alcohol. I´m very confused. Where is my brain right now???? I think it´s in a bar knocking back as many beers as it can. It´s just waiting for my body to catch up.


I know what the problem is with me at the moment. I have been reading the Big Book and am just coming to the end now, but I have been neglecting the actual work on the steps lately. I had step 1 all done and dusted in my head during my first 4 weeks sober. I think it was going out on Saturday night and feeling so lost and alone when everyone else was drinking that it made me feel that just maybe I had got it all wrong about my alcoholism. Just maybe I could drink in a controlled manner like some of them. It´s probably not a good place for me to go to at the moment. It´s alright to pop into the bar in the day for a couple of coffees, but it´s a whole different thing to go there on a weekend night.


I´m starting to see the importance of so many things in this program. One day at a time makes so much sense now. I´m wasting too much time worrying about my future sobriety when I should just be concentrating on today. It really is only the last few days that I have felt like this but it´s because I´ve got lazy with the program. Initially I felt such peace and calm due to working steps 2 and 3. I loved sobriety. The only reason I´m not loving it now is because I have completely neglected my work on the steps over the last week. I don´t know why I have let things slide like this.


I think I need to remind myself what it was like when I was drinking. It´s amazing how only 5 weeks in I can think to myself “Oh, I wasn´t that bad really.” It´s no doubt the alcoholic part of my mind wanting to lure me back into my old ways. Deep down I know I was bad. I don´t think I had completely alienated all people in my life, but I had alienated me from myself. I was suicidal so much of the time and I know that was down to my drinking because I don´t feel suicidal now and the only thing different about my life is that I´m sober.


I don´t want to get drunk again. I just want to be able to drink like a non alcoholic and I´m not sure why I think that this could be possible. It´s certainly never been possible in the past. I need to keep using the Serenity prayer because I find that very helpful. I haven´t been using it lately. I need to make a real
effort to get back into the whole AA lifestyle. I was really enjoying how I felt and I can see now that it was all because of AA and not just because I was sober.


I know I´ve got a lot of work to do and this life of sobriety can only be taken one day at a time. I´m going to stop worrying about nights out, Christmas and New Year and all those other times when alcohol is a key part in the proceedings. These
things should not be on my mind today. Today is the only thing that is important right now, and today I do not need or want a drink!!

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