Here are couple of things I have written over the last couple of days in response to someone else´s blog (she is just a few days sober). I thought I would post my responses here in the hope that they are of value to someone (this person knows I´m doing this and thinks it´s a good idea).
“I can relate to everything you´ve said and I´ve been where you are now. I tried to stop drinking on my own, but the thing is that I´m an alcoholic and that´s just not possible for any length of time. If you are an alcoholic of my type there is something you should know. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. Once the alcohol is removed from an alcoholic that´s when the dis-ease really kicks in and starts to cause pain, and one thing that you may find frightening is this. Will power is USELESS. I thought I just needed more willpower, but I had plenty of that, and this is one of the reasons so many people die from this disease, we think if we can just be strong enough we can fight this thing. Err, well . . . good luck with that!!
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.
AA is often the last house on the block for an alcoholic. We will try everything else we can think of before we land up there. The majority of us die trying. I was just like you. I thought I could beat this thing myself. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I´m one of the lucky ones, because even though I live in a very isolated place where I cannot get to AA meetings, AA saved my life, and, as you know, I will have 2 years of sobriety this Monday 17th May. But I had to reach a point of incomprehensible demoralization before I would take the solution AA was offering me, because like you I was an Atheist (a very outspoken one!!).
The posts you are reading on my blog at the moment are not me at the end of my drinking. I had further down to go than that. I had to reach a point of absolutely NO HOPE before I could really honestly and willingly attempt to seek a power greater than myself. Because I had never believed that there was such a thing as a Higher Power (God, or whatever), so what was the point of seeking something that didn’t exist? Mumbo jumbo make-believe crap, I thought.
But on the night of my last drunk I was puking my guts up into my toilet and something died inside me. That something was hope. I was without hope. I finally knew beyond ALL doubt that alcoholism had me beaten and that it would not stop until I was dead. That was my “gift of desperation moment” as I like to call it ;-)Because finally, as I was down there on my knees, desperate and hopeless, a remarkable thing happened. I prayed. I prayed earnestly and desperately to a power that I didn’t believe existed.
Here´s the miracle. Here´s the thing that still blows my mind today and gives me goosebumps every time I write about it . . .
At that moment, at that VERY moment . . . the desire to drink was REMOVED from me . . . and from that day to this (despite some very difficult times in my sobriety) I have NEVER felt the need or desire to drink again”
AND
“You said "I was tempted on a few occasions, but I kept telling myself it really isn't worth it. I'd wake up with a horrible headache, waste the day in bed, probably be sick and highly disappointed in myself."
If you are a real alcoholic, that is not going to be enough to carry you very far. Also, right now is not a good time to be hanging around people that are drinking. You are only a few days sober and do not have the solution as to how to remain sober and content - you are just torturing yourself . . . but I did the same thing and I´m absolutely NOT judging you for it!
I do not have the desire or compulsion to drink today and I can go anywhere where alcohol is served, but when I finally hit bottom with my drinking I steered clear of alcohol for a long time because Im an alcoholic, and my sobriety is the number one priority in my life . . . . because without it I do not get to have a life.
Here is a link to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Doctor´s Opinion will help you to determine if you are alcoholic or not. It is possible that you are just a problem drinker. If you are a problem drinker then it is possible for you to stop and stay stopped if you want to badly enough . . . . . if, however you are an alcoholic of my type NO amount of willpower will help you to stay sober for very long.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
This may also help you to determine whether you are either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. They are two VERY different things.
When you listen to this talk do not compare his story to yours. Can you relate to how he FEELS? I can. Alcoholism did not take me to the places that it took him to (though I did want to kill myself many, many times), but our war stories are not really relevant. It´s what alcoholism does to us inside that is the relevant and qualifying thing. When I listen to this talk I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.”
Talk By Bob D - a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
Edited to add (Taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - page 44):
To make a CLEAR distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic - If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
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Saturday, May 15, 2010
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YOU are phenomenal with your self recovery! I am amazed, and I respect & care about you!!! Thanks for sharing the hope! Blessings & Hugs
ReplyDeleteJan
Hello. I found you via Louisey at Letting Go, and I'm glad for the introduction. It's nice to meet you. I appreciate this post. What a wonderful service. I'm a grateful, recovering member of Al-Anon, and I've had to explore this question myself. Take care.
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