30th March 2008
I´ve realized something about myself today that is a bit of a shock – I WAS most definitely aggressive on many occasions when I drank. I never believed that I was, but I can now remember many instances when I was confrontational and aggressive. My aggression would more often than not be directed towards people that I was close to, so it´s no wonder that I alienated them, but sometimes I was definitely aggressive and confrontational towards people I didn’t know. I was also very opinionated and dogmatic. My behavior didn't seem unreasonable to me in my drunken state, but the morning after . . . . . . . . massive self loathing and horror and always the thought that next time it would be different, next time I would only have a couple of glasses of wine. Ha!! Next time was always just the same.
It´s not particularly pleasant to be discovering these things about myself, but I can see that it´s absolutely essential for me to face the truth about my behavior. I´m starting to realize that I´ve been deluded about many things my whole life. I thought I was quite self aware – I now see that this was yet another delusion of mine.
2nd April
Hi Kelly,
It´s such a shame that I haven´t got my computer as I think it would be good to be able to talk on Skype. I can totally understand when you say in your post that you feel like a hypocrite because earlier in the week you wrote about gratitude but are not really feeling that it´s enough to carry you at the moment. This is exactly the same for me. One day I´m on top of the world and feel so grateful and happy to be sober and alive and then the next day I´m in the depths of depression. Yesterday I got so low and tired that I almost ended up having a drink. I don´t even want one but I guess that´s what this alcoholism thing is all about. We have a disease and even if we don´t want a drink IT will always be waiting until we are vulnerable to try and persuade us otherwise.
I´m going to have to go now as I´m getting really tired again. I have never felt so tired in my life but I´m so glad I´m not drinking. We are going through the biggest and most important journey of our lives. Neither of us have anyone around us who can really understand what it´s like, and that certainly makes me feel quite isolated. I´m glad we are in contact but it would be even better if we could speak to each other. Please ring me when you get back from New York.
3rd April
Hi Kelly,
I hope you managed to find a meeting somewhere. I expect there are plenty available in New York! I´ve been having a few bad days myself recently, but one thing I´ve realised is that even my worst day sober is still better than my best days drinking. That sort of helps me to get things in perspective. I´m feeling down and depressed but at least I haven´t got that hideous anxiety that was overwhelming me when I was drinking. The fear has gone, and for that I am truly grateful.
I´ve been having a lot of telephone contact with a man called Mike who has been sober for 28 years. I have a fantastic connection with him and he can always make me feel better when I´m struggling. Anyway, he is going to try and come and see me tomorrow. The journey will take him over an hour. He´s got cancer and a whole host of other problems but he´s taking the time out to come and see me and it makes me feel very humble. His AA group have decided to donate me a copy of The Big Book. Apparantly they talk about me a lot in their meetings and even though none of them have met me they all want to help in any way that they can. This bond with other alcoholics is like nothing I have ever known before and it´s another thing that I can add to my gratitude list. Mike even says to me that he´s glad he´s an alcoholic. He feels that the richness of life as a sober alcoholic is something he would not swap. I hope we can feel like that one day.
Have you got any sober alcoholics that you speak to on the phone? If you haven´t then I really think you should try and find someone. Of course I hope that you and I will have some phone contact soon but we will have to be careful because of the cost. If you could find someone reasonably local that you have a bond with I think it would really make a difference. Mike certainly makes a big difference to me. I can´t wait to see him tomorrow. I´m going to give him the biggest hug!
I know you have friends where you are but however hard they try they will not always be able to give you what you need. Only another alcoholic can give us total understanding without the need for explanation.
For me at the moment my alcoholism is all consuming for me. I only admitted I was an alcoholic 20 days ago. That fact has changed my whole life overnight. This thing is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me and I want to talk about it and work my way through learning to live with it, but it´s other alcoholics I want to talk to.
Even though you are having a really tough time at the moment dealing with your grief, it is something you are managing to do sober and for that you should be really proud of yourself. I am certainly proud of you and full of admiration. Right now you are going through the toughest time of your life and even though you think you´re not dealing with it very well, you are. You are still sober. That´s a huge achievement.
Well, I guess I will go and have a quick look at the forum before I go home. I can´t be bothered to write any posts at the moment and I can´t even manage to read more than a few posts a day right now, but I still look at it every day just to remind myself that I am not alone in this. I struggle from time to time but I can reach out and find others who are going through the same thing and somehow that makes it easier.
INTERNET ADDICTION
Another blogger with a FANTASTIC blog has asked me to post this poll about Internet addiction. I hope you will take part.
Stark Raving Sober
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Hi Rachel -- lovely to come across your blog!
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