The dis-ease of alcoholism is present within me today

Today I feel overwhelmed and anxious – today I´m not in a very good spot. Trying to get a business off the ground is tough, and today I´m just not sure if I´m up to the job. I´m sticking close to my AA programme as best I can and I´m trying to do the next right thing, but at the moment I don´t know what the next right thing is. I´m weighed down and confused by all the marketing information on the internet, nothing is as easy as it initially looks and I seem to be wasting hours and hours trying to work out how to do things that should be simple – is it just me?? Probably.

I´m exhausted, demoralized and I´m full of fear. Coming up to 2 years sober with no meetings to go to and nobody to talk to. I hate sounding so full of self pity – it makes me sick. I don´t want or need to drink today, and for that I´m very grateful, but I´m just so tired of being so isolated and having almost zero income.

I will get things into perspective soon – I can´t afford not to. One thing I have learnt in my recovery is I cannot afford the luxury of being disturbed for more than a few hours at a time - I live in a place where there is nowhere else to go except for bars. I live in a place where there are no other recovering alcoholics for me to connect with – so if I don´t get back on the beam pretty quickly I am screwed.

I think of my alcoholism as a dis-ease – basically my natural state is one of great disturbance and dis-ease. Alcohol was my remedy to get rid of the disturbance and anxiety . . . . but it was a remedy that almost killed me. The only way for me to live with this dis-ease and be rid of that disturbance is to live by a simple set of spiritual principles called The 12 Steps. It works – but I don´t always work it as well as I should and then I get disturbed again . . . .

I´m cutting this short to go and read some of my Big Book and seek to connect with my Higher Power. Maybe it would also be a good idea for me to listen to an AA speaker tape – those tapes have been a BIG part of my recovery and I realise I haven´t listened to one for a while now. Sometimes I think it was easier when I was very newly sober because I ate, slept and breathed AA . . . . now I´m not doing that . . . . and today it really shows . . . . .

Sobriety in isolation

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for only a few days - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.


24th March 2008

All my plans of doing other things today seem to have gone out of the window! It’s 5.30pm and I’m still not washed and dressed. Bath is running though, so it’s definitely going to happen. I’ve just eaten so that’s progress from yesterday. I’ve got to go and get some more soft drinks later. I can’t believe how much fluid I’m feeling the need to take in. Gallons and gallons of the stuff.

Ok. Bath is done and dusted but I´ve decided not to bother going to the shop. Tomorrow is another day. For the past couple of hours I´ve been feeling high as a kite!! What the hell is that all about?? Not that I’m complaining or anything but I’ve just never had a natural high before and it’s all new to me. I’ve been singing, dancing and laughing. My friend Sean just rang and he couldn’t believe that I hadn’t taken anything!! I’ve been drinking and doing drugs for years and have never had a high as good as this, but now I’m a little suspicious that I’m going to have to pay for it with some sort of come down! Do you know that today I feel that I wouldn’t have a drink if someone paid me (well, maybe - if it was a LOT of money!). I don’t need a drink and best of all, I DON’T WANT A DRINK!!!!! The joy of sobriety, well that was a well kept secret wasn’t it!!?? Maybe I can appreciate it more because of what I’ve been through with alcohol. Maybe ‘normal’ people don’t appreciate it quite as much. Who knows? Who cares?!


24th March 2008
I’ve had what I’ve just been told is a ‘pink cloud’ day today. It´s been fantastic!! I’ve been high as a kite and it’s all natural!! Apparently that could be a danger time but I haven’t wanted a drink all day. I just feel that I´ve finally got a lot of stuff sorted out in my head and I know for a fact that alcohol is just not an option for me anymore. Of course I can only take it one day at a time because who knows when this disease will try and trick me into thinking it’s ok to have a drink?? I’m pretty confident that I won’t try and convince myself some time in the future that I’m not an alcoholic and that I can just have a few drinks here and there. 25 years of trying to control it and failing is enough to convince me of that!! But having said that I just haven’t ever been sober long enough to know what this disease is going to try and do to me. This is why it’s so important to have A.A. in my life.

26th March 2008
I DID pay for the high I experienced 2 days ago - my new computer broke down yesterday!! I was in a pretty bad place for a while. I had a complete meltdown and the first thing that came into my head was that I MUST have a drink!! I had alcohol in the house and I was REALLY close to taking that first drink. Then I had the good sense to pick up the phone and listen to the wisdom of someone with many years sobriety. One of the things he said to me was that I only have 10 days sobriety but I´m trying to rush through everything so that I can feel like I´ve got 10 years under my belt. Damn it – he´s right . . . how did he know that??!! He reminded me that it´s just one day at a time. With his help I managed to get myself back into a good place mentally and today I´ve got that alcohol out of my house. I gave it away to someone – I just couldn´t bring myself to throw it down the drain for some reason!!


27th March
When I start getting a bit frazzled it usually means I need to sleep or eat. This whole process is quite draining and I do seem to get tired very easily. Even when I'm having bad times I definitely don´t WANT a drink. My body might still be craving it and also the alcoholic part of my mind, but ME (the real me) just isn't interested. My life was a complete chaotic mess when I was drinking and I hated myself. I'm getting to know and like myself now and I also realize that sober is not at all boring. Drunk is VERY boring!!

When I wake each day now I count the things I’m thankful for and don’t dwell on all the things that are wrong with my life. That was the old me, before I got sober. Of course it won’t guarantee me a life of happiness. I’m still going to get sad and angry and sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself, but I’m damned if I’m going to waste any more of my precious life by letting negative thoughts rule me. Happiness is nothing more than a state of mind and it´s something that I have to create for myself - it doesn’t just happen! A negative person could win $50,000 and still be miserable, probably wishing he’d won more! A positive person could win $5 and be bubbling over with happiness and gratitude!!


28th March
I´ve been without my computer for 4 days and I can now look at it as a blessing in disguise. Suddenly being without my main lifeline on day 10 of my sobriety was a MASSIVE shock to my alcoholic mind and it threw the devil very firmly on to my shoulder. He said to me "You can´t deal with this. Have a drink. You know it will make you feel better." I had alcohol in my house and almost without realizing what I was doing I went to it as if it were calling me. It was an automatic response to all the problems I´ve encountered in life before I got sober just a handful of days ago. I stopped myself just in time. I didn´t want to let myself down or the people I have recently made friends with. How could I ever talk to them again after telling them how well I´m doing and how confident I am that I´m going to be able to resist that first drink??!!


It was a BIG wake up call for me and I´m very grateful for it. I can see more than ever now how important it is for me to have daily contact with other A.A. members. Being able to pick up the phone and speak to another alcoholic with many years of sobriety, who has been through all I´m going through now, saved me from having that first drink.


I´m back on track now and feeling very positive again, but also very aware of how close I came to allowing this disease to drag me back into it´s lair. It took me completely by surprise and I was stunned by it´s power to take over my mind and body. When I get back on-line I´m going to study the Big Book and work the Steps as if my life depends on it . . . . because IT DOES.

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Getting sober with no face to face support

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. To read from the beginning of my story scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up. Please feel free to comment on anything I say or contact me if you want to ask me any questions.


21st March 2008

I´m 7 days sober today and I´m up and down like a yo-yo. This is what I´m doing to cope: If I feel bad I check that I've remembered to eat (this is hard for me as I haven´t eaten a proper meal in a year). I´ve been told me that sweet things are good for cravings because my body is missing the sugar it was getting in the alcohol. A sugar fix definitely eases my cravings a lot. I´m eating plenty of chocolate – I never even really liked chocolate before now!!


I had a fantastic day yesterday and felt no anxiety. I felt calm and peaceful. Today is not quite so good but I definitely DON´T want a drink. The alcoholic part of my mind would really like me to have one but I refuse to listen to it.


I smile a lot even if I don´t feel like smiling. I try and find something to make me laugh out loud each day. I listen to calming music and concentrate on my breathing. I imagine myself as the serene and peaceful person that I want to be and I remind myself that the craving will pass and I will have got through another hour of my day. All this stuff I´m doing does not come naturally to me, but I am terrified of the idea of drinking again. I MUST stay sober at all costs – I can´t go back to how I was before.


Most importantly of all I talk to other recovering alcoholics on the phone and I visit websites and forums dedicated to recovery and know that I'm not alone. I reach out and email people. Other A.A. members reach out to me and it touches my heart to feel their compassion. They understand everything because they have ALL been where I am now. I read a bit more of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book on-line and remind myself that this is a path well trodden by others. A.A. has worked for so many people and now I have finally admitted that I too am an alcoholic, I'm going to use all the tools it provides to make it work for me. I seem to be in no fit state to grasp and understand too much of anything right now. I feel confused and disorientated much of the time, but I am so, so happy to be sober.


22nd March

Today I´m singing silly made up songs to my animals, it makes me laugh and I know they´d laugh too if they could!! It´s nice to know that I can be silly and carefree now I´m sober. The silly carefree feelings alcohol used to give me in the early days had long gone by the end of my drinking only to be replaced with an ever growing sense of despair, bitterness, self loathing and resentment.

WHY would I ever want to go back to that??!!


The various websites and forums are giving me a lot of inspiration and hope and whilst I´m writing emails; my journal; or reading, I´m not thinking about having a drink. The hours just seem to fly by now I´m getting involved in contact with other people just like me. It´s like finding a readymade family, a family more understanding and compassionate than my own!


22nd March


Hi Kelly, Thank you SO much for contacting me. I´m so grateful that people are reaching out to me. About half an hour ago I was happily singing whilst washing a weeks worth of dishes (the housework has been the last thing on my mind this week). All of a sudden the jitters crept up on me and threatened to spoil my peace of mind. No way am I having that!! Then I realized that I hadn't eaten anything yet today (its 4pm here). I quickly made a sandwich and now peace reigns again. Living alone I often end up talking to myself and my animals (and answering for them!), so whilst I was making my sandwich I talked to the alcoholic part of my mind and told it in no uncertain terms that it wasn't getting what it wanted. I said we've tried it your way for as long as I can remember and look what a mess we've made of things. We're trying it my way now, so quit bothering me!



I have a confession to make. I have alcohol in the house. It hasn't bothered me for this whole first week of sobriety and it's not bothering me now either, but . . . . . . . . . I think that if I do end up having that first drink it won't involve a hell of a lot of rational thinking. The alcoholic part of my mind could just kick in at any time and ruin everything I´m fighting tooth and nail for. I don't want a drink, but IT will always want one. I'm going to get rid of that wine as soon as possible. The reason I've kept it is because I thought that if I do decide to drink then it´s better to do it in the safety of my own home than to go to a bar. Now I just don't want it around me. It's early days yet and I'm aware that I'm very vulnerable.



Anyway, I'm not even washed or dressed yet, not that I could care less, as long as I'm sober! I've got a week of housework to catch up on so I guess I should go and get active. I've spent so much time reading, writing, and dealing with the effects of withdrawal that I just haven't done much of anything else. I've still got a lot of the Big Book to read but now it's time to clean this house (I did more cleaning than this when I was drinking!!) Thanks for the invite to contact you. Writing stuff down really helps. I don't feel so alone and desperate now.


23rd March

Mike, THANK YOU!! You were the first real contact I had with A.A. Hearing your voice for the first time gave me hope. I was drowning in a sea of misery and alcohol and you threw me a life jacket. Every now and then I need to blow the whistle to ask for help and you´re there when I need you. 8 days later my head is still above water. You were the person that made me laugh out loud yesterday (more than once in fact). You were the person that made me smile inside and out. You´re very special and I´m glad to have you in my life. You´ve made me feel that I´m a person worth saving. I´m glad to be alive today.



23rd March

Kelly, Thank you so much for your email. It brought a lump to my throat. Yes, I guess I am naturally positive, but like you I had noticed - especially in the last year of really out of control drinking - the destructive negativity creeping in. I also became very anxious and nervous without a drink in my hand. I read the ‘Doctor’s Opinion’ today in the Big Book and kept thinking. Yes, that’s me. There is just no escaping it. I’m an alcoholic. I have to keep saying it to myself because, it’s quite difficult to take in initially don’t you think? I’ve actually found it a real shock to discover that I will never be able to have any control over alcohol. But on the other hand it’s good to know that it wasn’t me just being weak and having no will power. For years I´ve being saying to myself, tonight I won’t drink so much, I won’t let myself get out of control. The next morning I would always be so angry and confused as to why I had allowed myself to get out of control yet again. I would be full of self loathing and anxiety, and then I would drink to get rid of those feelings – it was a vicious circle. It just went on and on with no end in sight. Yet I still couldn’t see that alcohol and I were just not meant to be together – I thought it was my best friend. With friends like that who needs enemies??



I’m glad you´ve managed to achieve something in your life. You’ve got a good career and I’m so pleased that you didn’t allow this disease to rob you of that. Me, well, I’ve done a lot of really menial jobs. When I was 21 I ran a fast food takeaway for 3 years (the stress was so bad I was drinking whisky out of a coffee mug in the mornings just to get going!!).


Maybe when I get my head a bit straighter I could do an Open University course or something. I do feel that I´ve wasted my brain somewhat. I’m an underachiever, but I needn’t have been if I wasn’t so busy hitting the bottle and doing recreational drugs! I still feel positive about the future though. Can’t do anything about my past now and luckily the future is only going to arrive one day at a time, so I’m not going to get stressed about it! Like you though, I really wish I´d woken up to the fact of being an alcoholic years ago. My life would have been very different now. No point wallowing in regrets though. What’s done is done. Whatever my past has been, I have a spotless future!


Tomorrow I´m going to get on with reading the Big Book. I read some during the first couple of days of sobriety but I’ve got a bit immersed in reading the forums and haven’t read anything since.


It will get easier to do this praying stuff as time goes on I’m sure. If I need to have faith in a higher power to stay sober then have faith I will!!! If the system works then I’m not going to fight against it. I NEED to be sober.


I let myself get hungry and tired today and then ignored it and carried on sitting up here on the computer. In the end I got jittery and anxious so I must watch out for that in future.


24th March

I had about three months of sobriety 3 years ago and it nearly killed me. I was in HELL because I only stopped drinking to try and save my relationship. I wasn't particularly interested in saving myself. I had no idea that I had no power over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable (It has ALWAYS been unmanageable!!). I still thought I drank because I wanted to and was resentful for others trying to control me. I felt self pity and resentment. I wasn´t even attempting to change what was going on in my head. I let my thoughts rule me. I didn´t even realize it was possible to change them.


This time round it´s VERY different. I know it´s going to take a lot of effort on my part. There is no magic switch that can just turn my life around without me putting some effort in myself. I need to change the way I think. I need to change my attitude. I now realize that it is possible to change the thoughts that go on in my head. I don´t have to sit around full of self pity. I can banish those thoughts. They do not belong in my head. It´s the easiest thing in the world to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but what a waste of bloody time! Haven´t I wasted enough of that already? When are my feelings going to change? When I change them.


I´m grateful every day now. Was I grateful when I was drinking? NO. But now I´m learning how to control what goes on in my mind and that´s SO much easier now I´m sober. I will not let negativity or self pity into my life. I have no friends here, I´m barely on speaking terms with my family, I´m unable to get to face to face meetings, and I have no job. Do I feel sorry for myself? NO!! I´m the luckiest person in the world. I have my self respect back. I´m sober. I have other A.A. members who I can phone and email. I have another day to look forward to in which to grow as a human being. I am rich indeed.


Reading the posts on various on-line forums is one of the first things I do each morning now. It´s such a fantastic uplifting start to my day. I often have to read them again later as there is just so much in them on which to ponder and take in. If there is one upside (for me) to being a recovering alcoholic, it´s this incredible journey of self discovery. There is a quote which says the unexamined life is not worth living. If I wasn´t alcoholic would I be trying to become more self aware? Would I be delving so deeply into the richness of my mind? (what´s left of it!!) Would I be baring my soul so unashamedly to myself and others? Would I appreciate the simple pleasures in life or the beauty of living in the moment? Would I be really THINKING?


These things make another day of sobriety something to treasure. Another day of sobriety feels like a gift to me and not something to be endured. Being a drunk for 25 years took endurance. Today I am released from that pain and hardship. Today I am truly alive. Today I will not drink because it will steal from me all that I have gained.


I must get on with reading the Big Book and working the Steps, because I truly have the belief that this can lead me to the place I was always trying to find at the bottom of a glass . . . . now THAT´S what I call ironic!!!


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Ok, on with my story (to read from the beginning of my story just scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up - or go to "March" in the archives which are at the bottom of the side bar):

March 20th 2008
Hi Jenny, How wonderful of you to contact me! I can't wait to check out the websites and forums you´ve told me about. Thank you so, so much for getting me an invite to that private forum. It´s good to know that only recovering alcoholics who´ve been referred can have access to it, that makes me feel like it´s a safe environment to talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Today completes 5 days of sobriety for me. It was only 6 days ago that I was finally left with no other alternative than to admit I am an alcoholic. Quite a sobering thought!! Today has been the best I´ve felt so far and at times I can honestly say I have felt some peace. I haven't felt any peace in my life ever before. This feeling for me is going to be more addictive than alcohol or drugs, it's something I´ve been craving for years and now I´ve had a glimpse of it I want more and more of it.

I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief to discover I'm an alcoholic. I can now give up the struggle of attempting to moderate my drinking (It's not worked for the last 26 years so I think it's a good assumption that it will never work!). No more waking up with that terrible feeling of self loathing and confusion. No more thinking that I´m going crazy. For the first time in many years I´m getting a decent night's sleep, and hey, I can dream again and I'd forgotten what that was like.

Of course I'm having some bad moments but I just read a bit more of the Big Book on-line or pick up the phone to Mike, have a bath, pace around the house, or eat chocolate . . . . and before I know it the feeling has passed. Now and then for minutes at a time I can even forget this all consuming thing that I´m experiencing. I was going to start writing a journal but nothing has materialized yet because I´m just soaking up the peace, and then when I´m feeling frazzled and anxious I´m not capable of doing anything constructive at all.

I´m so grateful for the support that Mike has given me. As I'm sure you can understand, sometimes the only other person I want to open my heart to is another recovering alcoholic. Non alcoholics may try to understand but it seems to me that most of them just think I´m weak and if only I had a bit more will power everything would be ok. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!

You´ve been sober for over 17 years and that gives me so much hope for myself. I´m not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. I feel so alone and vulnerable.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough. Thanks so much for throwing me another life line.

March 21st 2008

Hi, I was just reading the forum for the first time and saw your post from a few days ago. I hope you don´t mind me emailing you. I don´t know if I can help you but all I want to do right now is hold out my hand to you.
I don’t know how long you have been sober but I expect it is much longer than me – I only have 6 days today. Maybe one day I will be feeling the way you are feeling now, but today my head is in a good place. Today I have the one thing I cherish above all else. Today I have peace of mind.
I have been suicidal many times in the past when I was drinking. My drinking career has been a long one. I really DO know how you are feeling. I even got to the point where I had written my suicide letters. That was only 3 weeks ago. Today I am SO glad I never took that final step.

Please do not choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Tomorrow is always only a day away and who knows how different things could look then?

I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life but today I´m desperate enough to at least open up my mind to the possibility of some sort of higher power – it does sound crazy to me, but I´m willing to take a look because I really don’t have any other option now as far as I can see. I´m trying to forget about a higher power as an outside concept. Why can’t that higher power be something you find within yourself? Our brains have such a vast untapped potential. If I learn to change the pictures and sounds in my mind I may be able to get conscious control over my life. The way I feel from moment to moment is a direct result of the pictures and sounds I´m making in my mind. Nothing upsets me more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time (actually, if I am honest, I can´t take ANY criticism!!), but the worst critic I will ever encounter is the one who lives inside my own mind. The way I talk to myself has a profound impact on my emotional state. I always get more of what I focus on in life. If I continue to focus only on the negative then I will only have negativity in my life. I never actually realized I had a choice over what goes on in my head – it´s a revelation to me.

I hope you don’t find any of this patronizing, it really isn’t meant to be. I´m learning this from the only person I´ve spoken to in AA so far – he´s been sober for almost 30 years and he´s so full of wisdom. I just wanted to share with you something that´s REALLY helping me in a big way – in the hope that it will help you too. I need peace in my life. I´ve certainly never found it at the bottom of a glass or with any of the other substances I’ve taken. I´ve spent years lurching from one disaster to another. Chaos is all I´ve really known. I´m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I HAVE to find another way. I really hope you find a way of climbing out of this hell you are in. If I can offer you any support at all then that will also help me with what I´m going through.

21st March 2008

Hi Jenny, Just saw your message on the forum and it made me laugh! Thanks for thinking of me. I haven't posted anything yet but have spent hours reading the posts. I was struck by the post from ***** so I took some time to write him a long email. I´m in a really good place today and felt the need to reach out to someone who was in a bad place.

I´m still getting the shakes, but instead of filling me with horror, as it did initially, it just makes me laugh at the absurdity of what I have been doing to myself all these years. Who knew that being sober could feel so good? I had no idea. I've had my first day of complete peace of mind. No anxiety whatsoever. I feel serene and uplifted by my sobriety. I would rather cut my arm off than take a drink today. Tomorrow could be a different story, but today has been a precious gift that I will remember and treasure. I´ve had an inner smile all day long. Being drunk never felt as good as this. I used to think that being sober was boring but it´s anything other than boring now that I´m sober with the help and support of A.A. Being drunk is incredibly boring compared to how I feel today. I may post something on the site tomorrow. I think I might be a little shy but I'm sure I'll get over it.

21st March – my first post on the forum.

Hi, I´m new here. I´ve just completed 6 days of sobriety. The first 4 days were really tough. The anxiety, shakes, cravings and crazy rollercoaster of emotions nearly overwhelmed me. The 5th day was much better and I even felt some moments of peace. Today has been really, really good. I still had an episode of the shakes, but no anxiety whatsoever. No desire to tear my hair out or run around the house screaming. Progress indeed!

I am not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote Spanish village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. The bars are full of alcoholics. Last week I was one of them. I will always be one of them. The difference is that today I chose not to drink.

My computer and my telephone are my lifeline. I reached out to one person in A.A. and now I have three people who are willing to help. I don´t feel alone anymore, and today I don´t even want a drink. Today I have found some real peace and that´s something I´ve never known before. I don´t know what tomorrow will bring but today has been a gift to treasure.

8 days ago I was left with no other option than to admit I was an alcoholic. I first got drunk when I was about 9 years old and from then on I got my hands on alcohol whenever I could. I had a serious problem with both alcohol and drugs by the age of 14. A couple of uppers on the way to school - when I bothered to go. A joint during break time. Lunchtime at the pub, knocking back a few vodkas, and usually not making it back to school. Sobering up just in time to show my face at home then climbing out of my bedroom window at night to drink, do acid and smoke pot. Amazingly I actually passed quite a few exams! How the hell did that happen??

I eased up a bit when I had to work but there were still plenty of binges and I´m pretty sure that I was drinking almost every day. I couldn´t see anything wrong with it. I always wondered why my life was so chaotic and full of disaster. It just never occurred to me that it had anything to do with me, my drinking and my behaviour. I´m guessing that my disease has hidden a lot of things from me.

Drugs and alcohol have been a constant part of my life since childhood, so I never really thought about it much (the drugs were merely recreational – I am not an addict). Of course people have commented on my drinking, but I never really took much notice. Then I met Sam and he barely drank. He was horrified by my constant need to drink. I started to drink in secret. We moved abroad over 3 years ago and my drinking got completely out of control. He threatened to leave. I was so scared and immediately stopped and stayed stopped for almost 3 months. It was the worst time of my life and how I didn´t harm myself and others around me is a mystery to me. Enforced sobriety when I was ignorant of my disease was more dangerous to me than to carry on drinking. I had a complete mental breakdown and received no medical help whatsoever. I developed phobias of just about everything. Fear and anxiety were my constant companions.

Sam finally left me a year ago. I guess I was even more of a nightmare to live with when my drinking was being controlled. When he left there was nobody to regulate my drinking. Guess what happened next?!! I got down to the serious business of drinking without restraint. When I was in a bar I HAD to have another beer lined up before I was half way through the one I was drinking. I felt too anxious to wait even a few minutes between drinks.

Self loathing and anxiety started to eat me up and I couldn´t understand what was happening to me. I hated myself and I thought I was losing my mind. I lost 25lbs of my body weight. Three weeks ago I wrote suicide letters and tried to make my will. Then I looked at my animals and knew that they would be put to sleep if I killed myself. That´s what stopped me. Two weeks ago I finally admitted to myself that I should probably stop drinking. It took me 3 days to realize that I was unable to stop. I poured 2 litres of wine down my throat then phoned A.A.

Admitting I´m an alcoholic has been the biggest relief of my life. Now, maybe, I can actually have a life. 7 days later I´m more content than I have ever been. With the support of A.A. regular meals (and chocolate) I´m finally discovering peace and it's my new addiction!! Today I have an inner smile to match the one that is on my face right now. Today I will not seek the teeth that wound me.

First contact with AA

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. This post is where I first discover I´m an alcoholic. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.


After I´d done the alcoholism questionnaire I was full of fear, I was crying, and I was drunk. I scoured the internet looking for a number for AA here in Spain. It´s actually very easy to find, but because of the state I was in I couldn´t find anything. I became frantic and phoned The Samaritans suicide hotline in the UK and cried and ranted to them for a while. Eventually I found a telephone number for an English AA meeting here in Spain and that was the first time I spoke to Mike.

I think it´s safe to say that Mike was not too hopeful about me when we first spoke. He sounded a little exasperated by my sobbing - and when I told him I had no transport available to me he said I had no chance of staying sober if I couldn´t get to meetings. This completely terrified me and I went into a bit of a meltdown and got hysterical - he promised to ring me the next day when I was sober.

The next few days are a bit of a blur. I know that Mike phoned me every day, more than once, and that he quickly became aware of how desperately I wanted to stay sober. I remember pacing up and down my hallway frantically whilst talking to Mike, just trying to get through the next 5 minutes without a drink. I remember listening to his words of wisdom and his soothing voice and just knowing that I didn’t stand a chance if I didn´t have him to talk to. I know that I read the 12 Steps of AA and despite the fact that I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life I didn´t bat an eyelid when I read the word “God” here and there in the Steps. That shows the level of my desperation – I could not care less what I had to do to stay sober. If I was going to have to pray, then pray I would – suddenly it just didn´t matter what I did and didn´t believe in. I HAD to stay sober at any cost.

My withdrawal from alcohol was pretty horrible again and I didn´t even think to write about it at the time – I was barely able to function at all. But a few days into my sobriety I started to write emails and then I joined forums. So I have a pretty good record of my journey. There will be some editing here and there so as not to break anyone´s anonymity – alcoholics and non alcoholics alike.

March 16th 2008

“Hi Mike. I've had quite a good evening, mainly thanks to your tip about having plenty of sweet stuff. I felt really anxious and bad for a little while and so I went on the hunt for lots of sugary stuff and feel fine again now. I´ve avoided sugar for years, but now I really need it to help with these cravings. I don’t want to get fat – but more than anything I don´t want to get drunk, so I´ll have the sugar and not waste time worrying about my weight.

I can already see the need for having support from other recovering alcoholics and am so glad that I found you. I will try hard not to use up too much of your valuable time though as I know you are helping lots of other people too. I really wish there were meetings here that I could go to. If there was transport available I would be willing to travel a long way to get to one, but that option isn´t available to me. I know I must put some serious effort into this if I´m to have any hope without face to face contact with other recovering alcoholics. Right now I don´t feel like I want to be around anyone who isn´t a recovering alcoholic. I don´t even want to speak to my “normal” friends on the phone.

After my experience last week when I tried to stop I´m now realistic enough to know that even though I´m feeling positive and almost excited about the prospect of a life without alcohol right now, tonight or tomorrow could be a very different story. So, I was thinking, because you are busy helping lots of other people and I don't want to be bothering you all of the time, do you know of anyone who would be willing to have contact with me and effectively be my sponsor via telephone and email? It would help me to feel a part of A.A. It would give me an additional recovering alcoholic to speak to, which would really help. Thanks again Mike for your wonderful support and kindness. It means everything to me right now.”


More soon
Until next time
Rachel :D