First week of sobriety

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Ok, on with my story (to read from the beginning of my story just scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up - or go to "March" in the archives which are at the bottom of the side bar):

March 20th 2008
Hi Jenny, How wonderful of you to contact me! I can't wait to check out the websites and forums you´ve told me about. Thank you so, so much for getting me an invite to that private forum. It´s good to know that only recovering alcoholics who´ve been referred can have access to it, that makes me feel like it´s a safe environment to talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Today completes 5 days of sobriety for me. It was only 6 days ago that I was finally left with no other alternative than to admit I am an alcoholic. Quite a sobering thought!! Today has been the best I´ve felt so far and at times I can honestly say I have felt some peace. I haven't felt any peace in my life ever before. This feeling for me is going to be more addictive than alcohol or drugs, it's something I´ve been craving for years and now I´ve had a glimpse of it I want more and more of it.

I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief to discover I'm an alcoholic. I can now give up the struggle of attempting to moderate my drinking (It's not worked for the last 26 years so I think it's a good assumption that it will never work!). No more waking up with that terrible feeling of self loathing and confusion. No more thinking that I´m going crazy. For the first time in many years I´m getting a decent night's sleep, and hey, I can dream again and I'd forgotten what that was like.

Of course I'm having some bad moments but I just read a bit more of the Big Book on-line or pick up the phone to Mike, have a bath, pace around the house, or eat chocolate . . . . and before I know it the feeling has passed. Now and then for minutes at a time I can even forget this all consuming thing that I´m experiencing. I was going to start writing a journal but nothing has materialized yet because I´m just soaking up the peace, and then when I´m feeling frazzled and anxious I´m not capable of doing anything constructive at all.

I´m so grateful for the support that Mike has given me. As I'm sure you can understand, sometimes the only other person I want to open my heart to is another recovering alcoholic. Non alcoholics may try to understand but it seems to me that most of them just think I´m weak and if only I had a bit more will power everything would be ok. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!

You´ve been sober for over 17 years and that gives me so much hope for myself. I´m not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. I feel so alone and vulnerable.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough. Thanks so much for throwing me another life line.

March 21st 2008

Hi, I was just reading the forum for the first time and saw your post from a few days ago. I hope you don´t mind me emailing you. I don´t know if I can help you but all I want to do right now is hold out my hand to you.
I don’t know how long you have been sober but I expect it is much longer than me – I only have 6 days today. Maybe one day I will be feeling the way you are feeling now, but today my head is in a good place. Today I have the one thing I cherish above all else. Today I have peace of mind.
I have been suicidal many times in the past when I was drinking. My drinking career has been a long one. I really DO know how you are feeling. I even got to the point where I had written my suicide letters. That was only 3 weeks ago. Today I am SO glad I never took that final step.

Please do not choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Tomorrow is always only a day away and who knows how different things could look then?

I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life but today I´m desperate enough to at least open up my mind to the possibility of some sort of higher power – it does sound crazy to me, but I´m willing to take a look because I really don’t have any other option now as far as I can see. I´m trying to forget about a higher power as an outside concept. Why can’t that higher power be something you find within yourself? Our brains have such a vast untapped potential. If I learn to change the pictures and sounds in my mind I may be able to get conscious control over my life. The way I feel from moment to moment is a direct result of the pictures and sounds I´m making in my mind. Nothing upsets me more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time (actually, if I am honest, I can´t take ANY criticism!!), but the worst critic I will ever encounter is the one who lives inside my own mind. The way I talk to myself has a profound impact on my emotional state. I always get more of what I focus on in life. If I continue to focus only on the negative then I will only have negativity in my life. I never actually realized I had a choice over what goes on in my head – it´s a revelation to me.

I hope you don’t find any of this patronizing, it really isn’t meant to be. I´m learning this from the only person I´ve spoken to in AA so far – he´s been sober for almost 30 years and he´s so full of wisdom. I just wanted to share with you something that´s REALLY helping me in a big way – in the hope that it will help you too. I need peace in my life. I´ve certainly never found it at the bottom of a glass or with any of the other substances I’ve taken. I´ve spent years lurching from one disaster to another. Chaos is all I´ve really known. I´m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I HAVE to find another way. I really hope you find a way of climbing out of this hell you are in. If I can offer you any support at all then that will also help me with what I´m going through.

21st March 2008

Hi Jenny, Just saw your message on the forum and it made me laugh! Thanks for thinking of me. I haven't posted anything yet but have spent hours reading the posts. I was struck by the post from ***** so I took some time to write him a long email. I´m in a really good place today and felt the need to reach out to someone who was in a bad place.

I´m still getting the shakes, but instead of filling me with horror, as it did initially, it just makes me laugh at the absurdity of what I have been doing to myself all these years. Who knew that being sober could feel so good? I had no idea. I've had my first day of complete peace of mind. No anxiety whatsoever. I feel serene and uplifted by my sobriety. I would rather cut my arm off than take a drink today. Tomorrow could be a different story, but today has been a precious gift that I will remember and treasure. I´ve had an inner smile all day long. Being drunk never felt as good as this. I used to think that being sober was boring but it´s anything other than boring now that I´m sober with the help and support of A.A. Being drunk is incredibly boring compared to how I feel today. I may post something on the site tomorrow. I think I might be a little shy but I'm sure I'll get over it.

21st March – my first post on the forum.

Hi, I´m new here. I´ve just completed 6 days of sobriety. The first 4 days were really tough. The anxiety, shakes, cravings and crazy rollercoaster of emotions nearly overwhelmed me. The 5th day was much better and I even felt some moments of peace. Today has been really, really good. I still had an episode of the shakes, but no anxiety whatsoever. No desire to tear my hair out or run around the house screaming. Progress indeed!

I am not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote Spanish village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. The bars are full of alcoholics. Last week I was one of them. I will always be one of them. The difference is that today I chose not to drink.

My computer and my telephone are my lifeline. I reached out to one person in A.A. and now I have three people who are willing to help. I don´t feel alone anymore, and today I don´t even want a drink. Today I have found some real peace and that´s something I´ve never known before. I don´t know what tomorrow will bring but today has been a gift to treasure.

8 days ago I was left with no other option than to admit I was an alcoholic. I first got drunk when I was about 9 years old and from then on I got my hands on alcohol whenever I could. I had a serious problem with both alcohol and drugs by the age of 14. A couple of uppers on the way to school - when I bothered to go. A joint during break time. Lunchtime at the pub, knocking back a few vodkas, and usually not making it back to school. Sobering up just in time to show my face at home then climbing out of my bedroom window at night to drink, do acid and smoke pot. Amazingly I actually passed quite a few exams! How the hell did that happen??

I eased up a bit when I had to work but there were still plenty of binges and I´m pretty sure that I was drinking almost every day. I couldn´t see anything wrong with it. I always wondered why my life was so chaotic and full of disaster. It just never occurred to me that it had anything to do with me, my drinking and my behaviour. I´m guessing that my disease has hidden a lot of things from me.

Drugs and alcohol have been a constant part of my life since childhood, so I never really thought about it much (the drugs were merely recreational – I am not an addict). Of course people have commented on my drinking, but I never really took much notice. Then I met Sam and he barely drank. He was horrified by my constant need to drink. I started to drink in secret. We moved abroad over 3 years ago and my drinking got completely out of control. He threatened to leave. I was so scared and immediately stopped and stayed stopped for almost 3 months. It was the worst time of my life and how I didn´t harm myself and others around me is a mystery to me. Enforced sobriety when I was ignorant of my disease was more dangerous to me than to carry on drinking. I had a complete mental breakdown and received no medical help whatsoever. I developed phobias of just about everything. Fear and anxiety were my constant companions.

Sam finally left me a year ago. I guess I was even more of a nightmare to live with when my drinking was being controlled. When he left there was nobody to regulate my drinking. Guess what happened next?!! I got down to the serious business of drinking without restraint. When I was in a bar I HAD to have another beer lined up before I was half way through the one I was drinking. I felt too anxious to wait even a few minutes between drinks.

Self loathing and anxiety started to eat me up and I couldn´t understand what was happening to me. I hated myself and I thought I was losing my mind. I lost 25lbs of my body weight. Three weeks ago I wrote suicide letters and tried to make my will. Then I looked at my animals and knew that they would be put to sleep if I killed myself. That´s what stopped me. Two weeks ago I finally admitted to myself that I should probably stop drinking. It took me 3 days to realize that I was unable to stop. I poured 2 litres of wine down my throat then phoned A.A.

Admitting I´m an alcoholic has been the biggest relief of my life. Now, maybe, I can actually have a life. 7 days later I´m more content than I have ever been. With the support of A.A. regular meals (and chocolate) I´m finally discovering peace and it's my new addiction!! Today I have an inner smile to match the one that is on my face right now. Today I will not seek the teeth that wound me.