Sobriety in isolation

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for only a few days - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.


24th March 2008

All my plans of doing other things today seem to have gone out of the window! It’s 5.30pm and I’m still not washed and dressed. Bath is running though, so it’s definitely going to happen. I’ve just eaten so that’s progress from yesterday. I’ve got to go and get some more soft drinks later. I can’t believe how much fluid I’m feeling the need to take in. Gallons and gallons of the stuff.

Ok. Bath is done and dusted but I´ve decided not to bother going to the shop. Tomorrow is another day. For the past couple of hours I´ve been feeling high as a kite!! What the hell is that all about?? Not that I’m complaining or anything but I’ve just never had a natural high before and it’s all new to me. I’ve been singing, dancing and laughing. My friend Sean just rang and he couldn’t believe that I hadn’t taken anything!! I’ve been drinking and doing drugs for years and have never had a high as good as this, but now I’m a little suspicious that I’m going to have to pay for it with some sort of come down! Do you know that today I feel that I wouldn’t have a drink if someone paid me (well, maybe - if it was a LOT of money!). I don’t need a drink and best of all, I DON’T WANT A DRINK!!!!! The joy of sobriety, well that was a well kept secret wasn’t it!!?? Maybe I can appreciate it more because of what I’ve been through with alcohol. Maybe ‘normal’ people don’t appreciate it quite as much. Who knows? Who cares?!


24th March 2008
I’ve had what I’ve just been told is a ‘pink cloud’ day today. It´s been fantastic!! I’ve been high as a kite and it’s all natural!! Apparently that could be a danger time but I haven’t wanted a drink all day. I just feel that I´ve finally got a lot of stuff sorted out in my head and I know for a fact that alcohol is just not an option for me anymore. Of course I can only take it one day at a time because who knows when this disease will try and trick me into thinking it’s ok to have a drink?? I’m pretty confident that I won’t try and convince myself some time in the future that I’m not an alcoholic and that I can just have a few drinks here and there. 25 years of trying to control it and failing is enough to convince me of that!! But having said that I just haven’t ever been sober long enough to know what this disease is going to try and do to me. This is why it’s so important to have A.A. in my life.

26th March 2008
I DID pay for the high I experienced 2 days ago - my new computer broke down yesterday!! I was in a pretty bad place for a while. I had a complete meltdown and the first thing that came into my head was that I MUST have a drink!! I had alcohol in the house and I was REALLY close to taking that first drink. Then I had the good sense to pick up the phone and listen to the wisdom of someone with many years sobriety. One of the things he said to me was that I only have 10 days sobriety but I´m trying to rush through everything so that I can feel like I´ve got 10 years under my belt. Damn it – he´s right . . . how did he know that??!! He reminded me that it´s just one day at a time. With his help I managed to get myself back into a good place mentally and today I´ve got that alcohol out of my house. I gave it away to someone – I just couldn´t bring myself to throw it down the drain for some reason!!


27th March
When I start getting a bit frazzled it usually means I need to sleep or eat. This whole process is quite draining and I do seem to get tired very easily. Even when I'm having bad times I definitely don´t WANT a drink. My body might still be craving it and also the alcoholic part of my mind, but ME (the real me) just isn't interested. My life was a complete chaotic mess when I was drinking and I hated myself. I'm getting to know and like myself now and I also realize that sober is not at all boring. Drunk is VERY boring!!

When I wake each day now I count the things I’m thankful for and don’t dwell on all the things that are wrong with my life. That was the old me, before I got sober. Of course it won’t guarantee me a life of happiness. I’m still going to get sad and angry and sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself, but I’m damned if I’m going to waste any more of my precious life by letting negative thoughts rule me. Happiness is nothing more than a state of mind and it´s something that I have to create for myself - it doesn’t just happen! A negative person could win $50,000 and still be miserable, probably wishing he’d won more! A positive person could win $5 and be bubbling over with happiness and gratitude!!


28th March
I´ve been without my computer for 4 days and I can now look at it as a blessing in disguise. Suddenly being without my main lifeline on day 10 of my sobriety was a MASSIVE shock to my alcoholic mind and it threw the devil very firmly on to my shoulder. He said to me "You can´t deal with this. Have a drink. You know it will make you feel better." I had alcohol in my house and almost without realizing what I was doing I went to it as if it were calling me. It was an automatic response to all the problems I´ve encountered in life before I got sober just a handful of days ago. I stopped myself just in time. I didn´t want to let myself down or the people I have recently made friends with. How could I ever talk to them again after telling them how well I´m doing and how confident I am that I´m going to be able to resist that first drink??!!


It was a BIG wake up call for me and I´m very grateful for it. I can see more than ever now how important it is for me to have daily contact with other A.A. members. Being able to pick up the phone and speak to another alcoholic with many years of sobriety, who has been through all I´m going through now, saved me from having that first drink.


I´m back on track now and feeling very positive again, but also very aware of how close I came to allowing this disease to drag me back into it´s lair. It took me completely by surprise and I was stunned by it´s power to take over my mind and body. When I get back on-line I´m going to study the Big Book and work the Steps as if my life depends on it . . . . because IT DOES.

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