The dis-ease of alcoholism is present within me today

Today I feel overwhelmed and anxious – today I´m not in a very good spot. Trying to get a business off the ground is tough, and today I´m just not sure if I´m up to the job. I´m sticking close to my AA programme as best I can and I´m trying to do the next right thing, but at the moment I don´t know what the next right thing is. I´m weighed down and confused by all the marketing information on the internet, nothing is as easy as it initially looks and I seem to be wasting hours and hours trying to work out how to do things that should be simple – is it just me?? Probably.

I´m exhausted, demoralized and I´m full of fear. Coming up to 2 years sober with no meetings to go to and nobody to talk to. I hate sounding so full of self pity – it makes me sick. I don´t want or need to drink today, and for that I´m very grateful, but I´m just so tired of being so isolated and having almost zero income.

I will get things into perspective soon – I can´t afford not to. One thing I have learnt in my recovery is I cannot afford the luxury of being disturbed for more than a few hours at a time - I live in a place where there is nowhere else to go except for bars. I live in a place where there are no other recovering alcoholics for me to connect with – so if I don´t get back on the beam pretty quickly I am screwed.

I think of my alcoholism as a dis-ease – basically my natural state is one of great disturbance and dis-ease. Alcohol was my remedy to get rid of the disturbance and anxiety . . . . but it was a remedy that almost killed me. The only way for me to live with this dis-ease and be rid of that disturbance is to live by a simple set of spiritual principles called The 12 Steps. It works – but I don´t always work it as well as I should and then I get disturbed again . . . .

I´m cutting this short to go and read some of my Big Book and seek to connect with my Higher Power. Maybe it would also be a good idea for me to listen to an AA speaker tape – those tapes have been a BIG part of my recovery and I realise I haven´t listened to one for a while now. Sometimes I think it was easier when I was very newly sober because I ate, slept and breathed AA . . . . now I´m not doing that . . . . and today it really shows . . . . .