More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. To read from the beginning of my story scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up. Please feel free to comment on anything I say or contact me if you want to ask me any questions.
21st March 2008
I´m 7 days sober today and I´m up and down like a yo-yo. This is what I´m doing to cope: If I feel bad I check that I've remembered to eat (this is hard for me as I haven´t eaten a proper meal in a year). I´ve been told me that sweet things are good for cravings because my body is missing the sugar it was getting in the alcohol. A sugar fix definitely eases my cravings a lot. I´m eating plenty of chocolate – I never even really liked chocolate before now!!
I had a fantastic day yesterday and felt no anxiety. I felt calm and peaceful. Today is not quite so good but I definitely DON´T want a drink. The alcoholic part of my mind would really like me to have one but I refuse to listen to it.
I smile a lot even if I don´t feel like smiling. I try and find something to make me laugh out loud each day. I listen to calming music and concentrate on my breathing. I imagine myself as the serene and peaceful person that I want to be and I remind myself that the craving will pass and I will have got through another hour of my day. All this stuff I´m doing does not come naturally to me, but I am terrified of the idea of drinking again. I MUST stay sober at all costs – I can´t go back to how I was before.
Most importantly of all I talk to other recovering alcoholics on the phone and I visit websites and forums dedicated to recovery and know that I'm not alone. I reach out and email people. Other A.A. members reach out to me and it touches my heart to feel their compassion. They understand everything because they have ALL been where I am now. I read a bit more of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book on-line and remind myself that this is a path well trodden by others. A.A. has worked for so many people and now I have finally admitted that I too am an alcoholic, I'm going to use all the tools it provides to make it work for me. I seem to be in no fit state to grasp and understand too much of anything right now. I feel confused and disorientated much of the time, but I am so, so happy to be sober.
22nd March
Today I´m singing silly made up songs to my animals, it makes me laugh and I know they´d laugh too if they could!! It´s nice to know that I can be silly and carefree now I´m sober. The silly carefree feelings alcohol used to give me in the early days had long gone by the end of my drinking only to be replaced with an ever growing sense of despair, bitterness, self loathing and resentment.
WHY would I ever want to go back to that??!!
The various websites and forums are giving me a lot of inspiration and hope and whilst I´m writing emails; my journal; or reading, I´m not thinking about having a drink. The hours just seem to fly by now I´m getting involved in contact with other people just like me. It´s like finding a readymade family, a family more understanding and compassionate than my own!
22nd March
Hi Kelly, Thank you SO much for contacting me. I´m so grateful that people are reaching out to me. About half an hour ago I was happily singing whilst washing a weeks worth of dishes (the housework has been the last thing on my mind this week). All of a sudden the jitters crept up on me and threatened to spoil my peace of mind. No way am I having that!! Then I realized that I hadn't eaten anything yet today (its 4pm here). I quickly made a sandwich and now peace reigns again. Living alone I often end up talking to myself and my animals (and answering for them!), so whilst I was making my sandwich I talked to the alcoholic part of my mind and told it in no uncertain terms that it wasn't getting what it wanted. I said we've tried it your way for as long as I can remember and look what a mess we've made of things. We're trying it my way now, so quit bothering me!
I have a confession to make. I have alcohol in the house. It hasn't bothered me for this whole first week of sobriety and it's not bothering me now either, but . . . . . . . . . I think that if I do end up having that first drink it won't involve a hell of a lot of rational thinking. The alcoholic part of my mind could just kick in at any time and ruin everything I´m fighting tooth and nail for. I don't want a drink, but IT will always want one. I'm going to get rid of that wine as soon as possible. The reason I've kept it is because I thought that if I do decide to drink then it´s better to do it in the safety of my own home than to go to a bar. Now I just don't want it around me. It's early days yet and I'm aware that I'm very vulnerable.
Anyway, I'm not even washed or dressed yet, not that I could care less, as long as I'm sober! I've got a week of housework to catch up on so I guess I should go and get active. I've spent so much time reading, writing, and dealing with the effects of withdrawal that I just haven't done much of anything else. I've still got a lot of the Big Book to read but now it's time to clean this house (I did more cleaning than this when I was drinking!!) Thanks for the invite to contact you. Writing stuff down really helps. I don't feel so alone and desperate now.
23rd March
Mike, THANK YOU!! You were the first real contact I had with A.A. Hearing your voice for the first time gave me hope. I was drowning in a sea of misery and alcohol and you threw me a life jacket. Every now and then I need to blow the whistle to ask for help and you´re there when I need you. 8 days later my head is still above water. You were the person that made me laugh out loud yesterday (more than once in fact). You were the person that made me smile inside and out. You´re very special and I´m glad to have you in my life. You´ve made me feel that I´m a person worth saving. I´m glad to be alive today.
23rd March
Kelly, Thank you so much for your email. It brought a lump to my throat. Yes, I guess I am naturally positive, but like you I had noticed - especially in the last year of really out of control drinking - the destructive negativity creeping in. I also became very anxious and nervous without a drink in my hand. I read the ‘Doctor’s Opinion’ today in the Big Book and kept thinking. Yes, that’s me. There is just no escaping it. I’m an alcoholic. I have to keep saying it to myself because, it’s quite difficult to take in initially don’t you think? I’ve actually found it a real shock to discover that I will never be able to have any control over alcohol. But on the other hand it’s good to know that it wasn’t me just being weak and having no will power. For years I´ve being saying to myself, tonight I won’t drink so much, I won’t let myself get out of control. The next morning I would always be so angry and confused as to why I had allowed myself to get out of control yet again. I would be full of self loathing and anxiety, and then I would drink to get rid of those feelings – it was a vicious circle. It just went on and on with no end in sight. Yet I still couldn’t see that alcohol and I were just not meant to be together – I thought it was my best friend. With friends like that who needs enemies??
I’m glad you´ve managed to achieve something in your life. You’ve got a good career and I’m so pleased that you didn’t allow this disease to rob you of that. Me, well, I’ve done a lot of really menial jobs. When I was 21 I ran a fast food takeaway for 3 years (the stress was so bad I was drinking whisky out of a coffee mug in the mornings just to get going!!).
Maybe when I get my head a bit straighter I could do an Open University course or something. I do feel that I´ve wasted my brain somewhat. I’m an underachiever, but I needn’t have been if I wasn’t so busy hitting the bottle and doing recreational drugs! I still feel positive about the future though. Can’t do anything about my past now and luckily the future is only going to arrive one day at a time, so I’m not going to get stressed about it! Like you though, I really wish I´d woken up to the fact of being an alcoholic years ago. My life would have been very different now. No point wallowing in regrets though. What’s done is done. Whatever my past has been, I have a spotless future!
Tomorrow I´m going to get on with reading the Big Book. I read some during the first couple of days of sobriety but I’ve got a bit immersed in reading the forums and haven’t read anything since.
It will get easier to do this praying stuff as time goes on I’m sure. If I need to have faith in a higher power to stay sober then have faith I will!!! If the system works then I’m not going to fight against it. I NEED to be sober.
I let myself get hungry and tired today and then ignored it and carried on sitting up here on the computer. In the end I got jittery and anxious so I must watch out for that in future.
24th March
I had about three months of sobriety 3 years ago and it nearly killed me. I was in HELL because I only stopped drinking to try and save my relationship. I wasn't particularly interested in saving myself. I had no idea that I had no power over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable (It has ALWAYS been unmanageable!!). I still thought I drank because I wanted to and was resentful for others trying to control me. I felt self pity and resentment. I wasn´t even attempting to change what was going on in my head. I let my thoughts rule me. I didn´t even realize it was possible to change them.
This time round it´s VERY different. I know it´s going to take a lot of effort on my part. There is no magic switch that can just turn my life around without me putting some effort in myself. I need to change the way I think. I need to change my attitude. I now realize that it is possible to change the thoughts that go on in my head. I don´t have to sit around full of self pity. I can banish those thoughts. They do not belong in my head. It´s the easiest thing in the world to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but what a waste of bloody time! Haven´t I wasted enough of that already? When are my feelings going to change? When I change them.
I´m grateful every day now. Was I grateful when I was drinking? NO. But now I´m learning how to control what goes on in my mind and that´s SO much easier now I´m sober. I will not let negativity or self pity into my life. I have no friends here, I´m barely on speaking terms with my family, I´m unable to get to face to face meetings, and I have no job. Do I feel sorry for myself? NO!! I´m the luckiest person in the world. I have my self respect back. I´m sober. I have other A.A. members who I can phone and email. I have another day to look forward to in which to grow as a human being. I am rich indeed.
Reading the posts on various on-line forums is one of the first things I do each morning now. It´s such a fantastic uplifting start to my day. I often have to read them again later as there is just so much in them on which to ponder and take in. If there is one upside (for me) to being a recovering alcoholic, it´s this incredible journey of self discovery. There is a quote which says the unexamined life is not worth living. If I wasn´t alcoholic would I be trying to become more self aware? Would I be delving so deeply into the richness of my mind? (what´s left of it!!) Would I be baring my soul so unashamedly to myself and others? Would I appreciate the simple pleasures in life or the beauty of living in the moment? Would I be really THINKING?
These things make another day of sobriety something to treasure. Another day of sobriety feels like a gift to me and not something to be endured. Being a drunk for 25 years took endurance. Today I am released from that pain and hardship. Today I am truly alive. Today I will not drink because it will steal from me all that I have gained.
I must get on with reading the Big Book and working the Steps, because I truly have the belief that this can lead me to the place I was always trying to find at the bottom of a glass . . . . now THAT´S what I call ironic!!!
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