Losing my way

Taken from my journal at around 33 days sober - at 30 days sober I felt great, but I had not got serious with my 12 Step program and it was only a matter of time before I drank again . . . . .


I´m feeling really bad today. I went out to a bar last night and I only stayed for just over an hour. It was tedious to sit there without a drink. My boyfriend was there and he had a great time and then he went on to a club and didn´t get home until 5.30am. I miss doing all that and I´m completely and utterly fed up. All of a sudden I feel that I just don´t want to live without alcohol in my life. I felt like an outsider last night, and today I feel as bad as if I went out and got trashed last night. I know that if I make more of an effort with the spiritual side of the AA program I will no doubt feel much better, but right now I don´t even know if I want to (little bit of self pity going on here I think!!).


My only friend here is moving back to England soon and I´m feeling really down about that. All life in this village revolves around bars and drinking. If I had a meeting to go to or at least another recovering alcoholic here to spend time with it would be easier to cope with. As it is I just feel like giving in right now. I sound pathetic.


I was even trying to kid myself earlier on today that I´m not actually an alcoholic. I just wanted to find an excuse to drink, which no doubt means I really AM an alcoholic!!! I seem to have lost my way BIG time. I´ve not had a drink (yet), but I feel certain that it´s going to happen sometime soon. Not today maybe, but soon. I can´t get out of my head the thought that I may not actually be an alcoholic. I´m pretty sure that I´m kidding myself with that thought. I just want
to be able to drink again and to enjoy myself like non alcoholics. I´m thinking "I won´t drink at home, only in bars and only on a Saturday night." Wouldn´t it be great if I could actually do that!!! I want to believe that I can do it. Why???? If I were honest with myself I would know that this is something I can never do, but I don´t feel like listening to that voice of reason right now.


Maybe this is going to be something I actually need to do so that I can see once and for all that I really have no control over alcohol. I´m very confused. Where is my brain right now???? I think it´s in a bar knocking back as many beers as it can. It´s just waiting for my body to catch up.


I know what the problem is with me at the moment. I have been reading the Big Book and am just coming to the end now, but I have been neglecting the actual work on the steps lately. I had step 1 all done and dusted in my head during my first 4 weeks sober. I think it was going out on Saturday night and feeling so lost and alone when everyone else was drinking that it made me feel that just maybe I had got it all wrong about my alcoholism. Just maybe I could drink in a controlled manner like some of them. It´s probably not a good place for me to go to at the moment. It´s alright to pop into the bar in the day for a couple of coffees, but it´s a whole different thing to go there on a weekend night.


I´m starting to see the importance of so many things in this program. One day at a time makes so much sense now. I´m wasting too much time worrying about my future sobriety when I should just be concentrating on today. It really is only the last few days that I have felt like this but it´s because I´ve got lazy with the program. Initially I felt such peace and calm due to working steps 2 and 3. I loved sobriety. The only reason I´m not loving it now is because I have completely neglected my work on the steps over the last week. I don´t know why I have let things slide like this.


I think I need to remind myself what it was like when I was drinking. It´s amazing how only 5 weeks in I can think to myself “Oh, I wasn´t that bad really.” It´s no doubt the alcoholic part of my mind wanting to lure me back into my old ways. Deep down I know I was bad. I don´t think I had completely alienated all people in my life, but I had alienated me from myself. I was suicidal so much of the time and I know that was down to my drinking because I don´t feel suicidal now and the only thing different about my life is that I´m sober.


I don´t want to get drunk again. I just want to be able to drink like a non alcoholic and I´m not sure why I think that this could be possible. It´s certainly never been possible in the past. I need to keep using the Serenity prayer because I find that very helpful. I haven´t been using it lately. I need to make a real
effort to get back into the whole AA lifestyle. I was really enjoying how I felt and I can see now that it was all because of AA and not just because I was sober.


I know I´ve got a lot of work to do and this life of sobriety can only be taken one day at a time. I´m going to stop worrying about nights out, Christmas and New Year and all those other times when alcohol is a key part in the proceedings. These
things should not be on my mind today. Today is the only thing that is important right now, and today I do not need or want a drink!!

30 days of sobriety

Ok, my New Year's resolution to blog more regularly is kicking in early! This was something I wrote at 30 days sober (before I slipped twice):

I´m 30 days sober today and what a wonderful feeling that is. It´s hard to believe the difference that not drinking has made to my life. The improvements are incredible. I feel so peaceful almost all of the time. I was constantly anxious and fearful and now I feel calm and wonderfully content.

I don’t waste time worrying and fretting over things of which I have no control, I can deal with life so much better already and have found the Serenity Prayer really helpful when problems come along. I smile and laugh so much more. Today I feel serenity gently glowing inside me. I have a new addiction and it´s called sobriety. I have never felt so good in my entire life. I can hardly believe that I´m actually saying any prayers at all – this is totally alien to me, but I´m desperate enough not to drink again to just try my best to do as I´m advised. If praying is going to keep me sober then that is what I will do – I know for a fact that I can´t stay sober on my own. If standing on my head would keep me sober I would do it – I am willing to go to ANY lengths to stay sober.

Thank YOU!!!

Wow, I can't believe that I won a 2010 Top Abuse & Recovery Blogs Award presented by MedicalBilling and Coding! Thank you SO much to all who nominated me!! ♥

I really do not deserve it because I'm a very lazy blogger - or rather more to the point I'm just not very organised and still find it very difficult to prioritise things in my life.

Well, this has come at a great time because I have 2 and a half years of sobriety this week - so, it´s a nice way to mark this milestone (yes, I'm still newly sober enough to want to celebrate half a year!!)

I must sort through my old early recovery journal again very soon and continue on with my story.

Today I'm sober and content - still living in difficult circumstances, but so many things have changed for the better (mainly my relationships with others, and my new ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other and persevering rather than giving up). My life hasn´t really changed - but I HAVE. My perspective is completely different and I no longer have that destructive victim mentality, which only ever aliented me from the rest of society. I now realise that the only person who can change my life is ME. It's no one else's responsibility - sitting around feeling sorry for myself or worrying about things only ever does me harm.

My thoughts at 2 years of sobriety

The Alcoholics Anonymous book (AKA The Big Book) saved my life.

Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism

I have 2 years of sobriety today (17th May 2010) but that would not be possible if I did not read the Big Book of AA. The Big Book contains the 12 Steps, and it is ONLY by working and living those 12 Steps that I can remain sober, sane and at peace.

The 12 Steps has but ONE purpose – to enable me to gain and maintain conscious contact with a power greater than myself so a hopeless alcoholic like me is free from the pain of alcoholism . . . . . because when alcohol is removed from me is when my REAL suffering starts . . . . and I better have something of real substance, depth and power to replace what alcohol once gave me, or before long I am either going to drink again or I am going to go insane.

For me it is THAT simple . . . . and I will also say this because it is MY truth. I have never been to an AA meeting because I do not have that option where I live. But the reason I am happy, joyous and free today is not because of the meetings I make . . . . it is because of the Steps I take. They are in the Big Book.

I could not care less about the dated language of the Big Book – either I am willing to go to ANY lengths for my sobriety or I am not. Either I am desperate or I am not. What do I care if any of the book seems a little patronising to me as a woman?? I am aware of when it was written and I´m aware that times were very different then. The ONLY thing that matters to me is does this book have the solution I need? The answer is YES it does, and for that I am TRULY grateful.

Are you a problem drinker or an alcoholic?

Here are couple of things I have written over the last couple of days in response to someone else´s blog (she is just a few days sober). I thought I would post my responses here in the hope that they are of value to someone (this person knows I´m doing this and thinks it´s a good idea).


“I can relate to everything you´ve said and I´ve been where you are now. I tried to stop drinking on my own, but the thing is that I´m an alcoholic and that´s just not possible for any length of time. If you are an alcoholic of my type there is something you should know. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease. Once the alcohol is removed from an alcoholic that´s when the dis-ease really kicks in and starts to cause pain, and one thing that you may find frightening is this. Will power is USELESS. I thought I just needed more willpower, but I had plenty of that, and this is one of the reasons so many people die from this disease, we think if we can just be strong enough we can fight this thing. Err, well . . . good luck with that!!


The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.


AA is often the last house on the block for an alcoholic. We will try everything else we can think of before we land up there. The majority of us die trying. I was just like you. I thought I could beat this thing myself. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I´m one of the lucky ones, because even though I live in a very isolated place where I cannot get to AA meetings, AA saved my life, and, as you know, I will have 2 years of sobriety this Monday 17th May. But I had to reach a point of incomprehensible demoralization before I would take the solution AA was offering me, because like you I was an Atheist (a very outspoken one!!).


The posts you are reading on my blog at the moment are not me at the end of my drinking. I had further down to go than that. I had to reach a point of absolutely NO HOPE before I could really honestly and willingly attempt to seek a power greater than myself. Because I had never believed that there was such a thing as a Higher Power (God, or whatever), so what was the point of seeking something that didn’t exist? Mumbo jumbo make-believe crap, I thought.


But on the night of my last drunk I was puking my guts up into my toilet and something died inside me. That something was hope. I was without hope. I finally knew beyond ALL doubt that alcoholism had me beaten and that it would not stop until I was dead. That was my “gift of desperation moment” as I like to call it ;-)Because finally, as I was down there on my knees, desperate and hopeless, a remarkable thing happened. I prayed. I prayed earnestly and desperately to a power that I didn’t believe existed.


Here´s the miracle. Here´s the thing that still blows my mind today and gives me goosebumps every time I write about it . . .


At that moment, at that VERY moment . . . the desire to drink was REMOVED from me . . . and from that day to this (despite some very difficult times in my sobriety) I have NEVER felt the need or desire to drink again”



AND



“You said "I was tempted on a few occasions, but I kept telling myself it really isn't worth it. I'd wake up with a horrible headache, waste the day in bed, probably be sick and highly disappointed in myself."


If you are a real alcoholic, that is not going to be enough to carry you very far. Also, right now is not a good time to be hanging around people that are drinking. You are only a few days sober and do not have the solution as to how to remain sober and content - you are just torturing yourself . . . but I did the same thing and I´m absolutely NOT judging you for it!


I do not have the desire or compulsion to drink today and I can go anywhere where alcohol is served, but when I finally hit bottom with my drinking I steered clear of alcohol for a long time because Im an alcoholic, and my sobriety is the number one priority in my life . . . . because without it I do not get to have a life.


Here is a link to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Doctor´s Opinion will help you to determine if you are alcoholic or not. It is possible that you are just a problem drinker. If you are a problem drinker then it is possible for you to stop and stay stopped if you want to badly enough . . . . . if, however you are an alcoholic of my type NO amount of willpower will help you to stay sober for very long.


The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous



This may also help you to determine whether you are either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. They are two VERY different things.


When you listen to this talk do not compare his story to yours. Can you relate to how he FEELS? I can. Alcoholism did not take me to the places that it took him to (though I did want to kill myself many, many times), but our war stories are not really relevant. It´s what alcoholism does to us inside that is the relevant and qualifying thing. When I listen to this talk I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.”

Talk By Bob D - a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

Edited to add (Taken from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - page 44):
To make a CLEAR distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic - If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.







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Early sobriety exhaustion

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for less than 3 weeks - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.

30th March 2008
I´ve realized something about myself today that is a bit of a shock – I WAS most definitely aggressive on many occasions when I drank. I never believed that I was, but I can now remember many instances when I was confrontational and aggressive. My aggression would more often than not be directed towards people that I was close to, so it´s no wonder that I alienated them, but sometimes I was definitely aggressive and confrontational towards people I didn’t know. I was also very opinionated and dogmatic. My behavior didn't seem unreasonable to me in my drunken state, but the morning after . . . . . . . . massive self loathing and horror and always the thought that next time it would be different, next time I would only have a couple of glasses of wine. Ha!! Next time was always just the same.

It´s not particularly pleasant to be discovering these things about myself, but I can see that it´s absolutely essential for me to face the truth about my behavior. I´m starting to realize that I´ve been deluded about many things my whole life. I thought I was quite self aware – I now see that this was yet another delusion of mine.

2nd April
Hi Kelly,
It´s such a shame that I haven´t got my computer as I think it would be good to be able to talk on Skype. I can totally understand when you say in your post that you feel like a hypocrite because earlier in the week you wrote about gratitude but are not really feeling that it´s enough to carry you at the moment. This is exactly the same for me. One day I´m on top of the world and feel so grateful and happy to be sober and alive and then the next day I´m in the depths of depression. Yesterday I got so low and tired that I almost ended up having a drink. I don´t even want one but I guess that´s what this alcoholism thing is all about. We have a disease and even if we don´t want a drink IT will always be waiting until we are vulnerable to try and persuade us otherwise.


I´m going to have to go now as I´m getting really tired again. I have never felt so tired in my life but I´m so glad I´m not drinking. We are going through the biggest and most important journey of our lives. Neither of us have anyone around us who can really understand what it´s like, and that certainly makes me feel quite isolated. I´m glad we are in contact but it would be even better if we could speak to each other. Please ring me when you get back from New York.

3rd April
Hi Kelly,

I hope you managed to find a meeting somewhere. I expect there are plenty available in New York! I´ve been having a few bad days myself recently, but one thing I´ve realised is that even my worst day sober is still better than my best days drinking. That sort of helps me to get things in perspective. I´m feeling down and depressed but at least I haven´t got that hideous anxiety that was overwhelming me when I was drinking. The fear has gone, and for that I am truly grateful.

I´ve been having a lot of telephone contact with a man called Mike who has been sober for 28 years. I have a fantastic connection with him and he can always make me feel better when I´m struggling. Anyway, he is going to try and come and see me tomorrow. The journey will take him over an hour. He´s got cancer and a whole host of other problems but he´s taking the time out to come and see me and it makes me feel very humble. His AA group have decided to donate me a copy of The Big Book. Apparantly they talk about me a lot in their meetings and even though none of them have met me they all want to help in any way that they can. This bond with other alcoholics is like nothing I have ever known before and it´s another thing that I can add to my gratitude list. Mike even says to me that he´s glad he´s an alcoholic. He feels that the richness of life as a sober alcoholic is something he would not swap. I hope we can feel like that one day.

Have you got any sober alcoholics that you speak to on the phone? If you haven´t then I really think you should try and find someone. Of course I hope that you and I will have some phone contact soon but we will have to be careful because of the cost. If you could find someone reasonably local that you have a bond with I think it would really make a difference. Mike certainly makes a big difference to me. I can´t wait to see him tomorrow. I´m going to give him the biggest hug!

I know you have friends where you are but however hard they try they will not always be able to give you what you need. Only another alcoholic can give us total understanding without the need for explanation.

For me at the moment my alcoholism is all consuming for me. I only admitted I was an alcoholic 20 days ago. That fact has changed my whole life overnight. This thing is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me and I want to talk about it and work my way through learning to live with it, but it´s other alcoholics I want to talk to.

Even though you are having a really tough time at the moment dealing with your grief, it is something you are managing to do sober and for that you should be really proud of yourself. I am certainly proud of you and full of admiration. Right now you are going through the toughest time of your life and even though you think you´re not dealing with it very well, you are. You are still sober. That´s a huge achievement.

Well, I guess I will go and have a quick look at the forum before I go home. I can´t be bothered to write any posts at the moment and I can´t even manage to read more than a few posts a day right now, but I still look at it every day just to remind myself that I am not alone in this. I struggle from time to time but I can reach out and find others who are going through the same thing and somehow that makes it easier.

INTERNET ADDICTION
Another blogger with a FANTASTIC blog has asked me to post this poll about Internet addiction. I hope you will take part.

Stark Raving Sober









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Drunks by Jack McCarthy

I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have the 12 Steps of AA in my life. This incredibly powerful poem called Drunks by Jack McCarthy sums it all up for me. The first time I read it I could not stop crying.

Drunks by Jack McCarthy

We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms where they found us three days later when somebody complained about the smell.

We died against bridge abutments and nobody knew if it was suicide and we probably didn't know either except in the sense that it was always suicide.

We died in hospitals, our stomachs huge, distended and there was nothing they could do.

We died in cells, never knowing whether we were guilty or not.

We went to priests, they gave us pledges, they told us to pray, they told us to go and sin no more, but go. We tried and we died.

We died of overdoses, we died in bed (but usually not the Big Bed)

We died in straitjackets, in the DT's seeing God knows what, creeping skittering slithering shuffling things.

And you know what the worst thing was? The worst thing was that nobody ever believed how hard we tried.

We went to doctors and they gave us stuff to take that would make us sick when we drank on the principle of so crazy, it just might work, I guess, or maybe they just shook their heads and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's.

And when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde or maybe we lied to the doctors and they told us not to drink so much, just drink like me. And we tried, and we died.

We drowned in our own vomit or choked on it, our broken jaws wired shut. We died playing Russian roulette and people thought we'd lost, but we knew better.

We died under the hoofs of horses, under the wheels of vehicles, under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks.

We died in shame.

And you know what was even worse, was that we couldn't believe it ourselves, that we had tried.

We figured we just thought we tried and we died believing that we hadn't tried, believing that we didn't know what it meant to try.

When we were desperate enough or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help we went to people with letters after their names and prayed that they might have read the right books that had the right words in them, never suspecting the terrifying truth, that the right words, as simple as they were, had not been written yet.

We died falling off girders on high buildings, because of course ironworkers drink, of course they do.

We died with a shotgun in our mouth, or jumping off a bridge, and everybody knew it was suicide.

We died under the Southeast Expressway, with our hands tied behind us and a bullet in the back of our head, because this time the people that we disappointed were the wrong people.

We died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain", we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned .

If we were women, we died degraded, because women have so much more to live up to.

We tried and we died and nobody cried. And the very worst thing was that for every one of us that died, there were another hundred of us, or another thousand, who wished that we could die, who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up because what we were enduring was intolerable and we knew in our hearts it wasn't ever gonna change.

One day in a hospital room in New York City, one of us had what the books call a transforming spiritual experience, and he said to himself "I've got it ." (no, you haven't you've only got part of it) " and I have to share it." (now you've ALMOST got it) and he kept trying to give it away, but we couldn't hear it. We tried and we died.

We died of one last cigarette, the comfort of its glowing in the dark. We passed out and the bed caught fire. They said we suffocated before our body burned, they said we never felt a thing , that was the best way maybe that we died, except sometimes we took our family with us.

And the man in New York was so sure he had it, he tried to love us into sobriety, but that didn't work either, love confuses drunks and he tried and we still died.

One after another we got his hopes up and we broke his heart,
Because that's what we do.

And the worst thing was that every time we thought we knew what the worst thing was something happened that was worse.

Until a day came in a hotel lobby and it wasn't in Rome, or Jerusalem, Or Mecca or even Dublin, or South Boston, it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake.

A day came when the man said I have to find a drunk because I need him As much as he needs me (NOW you've got it).

And the transmission line, after all those years, was open, the transmission line was open. And now we don't go to priests, and we don't go to doctors and people with letters after their names.

We come to people who have been there, we come to each other. We come to try and we don't have to die.........











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The dis-ease of alcoholism is present within me today

Today I feel overwhelmed and anxious – today I´m not in a very good spot. Trying to get a business off the ground is tough, and today I´m just not sure if I´m up to the job. I´m sticking close to my AA programme as best I can and I´m trying to do the next right thing, but at the moment I don´t know what the next right thing is. I´m weighed down and confused by all the marketing information on the internet, nothing is as easy as it initially looks and I seem to be wasting hours and hours trying to work out how to do things that should be simple – is it just me?? Probably.

I´m exhausted, demoralized and I´m full of fear. Coming up to 2 years sober with no meetings to go to and nobody to talk to. I hate sounding so full of self pity – it makes me sick. I don´t want or need to drink today, and for that I´m very grateful, but I´m just so tired of being so isolated and having almost zero income.

I will get things into perspective soon – I can´t afford not to. One thing I have learnt in my recovery is I cannot afford the luxury of being disturbed for more than a few hours at a time - I live in a place where there is nowhere else to go except for bars. I live in a place where there are no other recovering alcoholics for me to connect with – so if I don´t get back on the beam pretty quickly I am screwed.

I think of my alcoholism as a dis-ease – basically my natural state is one of great disturbance and dis-ease. Alcohol was my remedy to get rid of the disturbance and anxiety . . . . but it was a remedy that almost killed me. The only way for me to live with this dis-ease and be rid of that disturbance is to live by a simple set of spiritual principles called The 12 Steps. It works – but I don´t always work it as well as I should and then I get disturbed again . . . .

I´m cutting this short to go and read some of my Big Book and seek to connect with my Higher Power. Maybe it would also be a good idea for me to listen to an AA speaker tape – those tapes have been a BIG part of my recovery and I realise I haven´t listened to one for a while now. Sometimes I think it was easier when I was very newly sober because I ate, slept and breathed AA . . . . now I´m not doing that . . . . and today it really shows . . . . .

Sobriety in isolation

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. At this point in my journey I had been sober for only a few days - at 8 weeks I had 2 very painful "slips", but thanks to the Higher Power I found during my last slip I have not found it necessary to drink again for almost 730 days . . . . one day at a time. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.


24th March 2008

All my plans of doing other things today seem to have gone out of the window! It’s 5.30pm and I’m still not washed and dressed. Bath is running though, so it’s definitely going to happen. I’ve just eaten so that’s progress from yesterday. I’ve got to go and get some more soft drinks later. I can’t believe how much fluid I’m feeling the need to take in. Gallons and gallons of the stuff.

Ok. Bath is done and dusted but I´ve decided not to bother going to the shop. Tomorrow is another day. For the past couple of hours I´ve been feeling high as a kite!! What the hell is that all about?? Not that I’m complaining or anything but I’ve just never had a natural high before and it’s all new to me. I’ve been singing, dancing and laughing. My friend Sean just rang and he couldn’t believe that I hadn’t taken anything!! I’ve been drinking and doing drugs for years and have never had a high as good as this, but now I’m a little suspicious that I’m going to have to pay for it with some sort of come down! Do you know that today I feel that I wouldn’t have a drink if someone paid me (well, maybe - if it was a LOT of money!). I don’t need a drink and best of all, I DON’T WANT A DRINK!!!!! The joy of sobriety, well that was a well kept secret wasn’t it!!?? Maybe I can appreciate it more because of what I’ve been through with alcohol. Maybe ‘normal’ people don’t appreciate it quite as much. Who knows? Who cares?!


24th March 2008
I’ve had what I’ve just been told is a ‘pink cloud’ day today. It´s been fantastic!! I’ve been high as a kite and it’s all natural!! Apparently that could be a danger time but I haven’t wanted a drink all day. I just feel that I´ve finally got a lot of stuff sorted out in my head and I know for a fact that alcohol is just not an option for me anymore. Of course I can only take it one day at a time because who knows when this disease will try and trick me into thinking it’s ok to have a drink?? I’m pretty confident that I won’t try and convince myself some time in the future that I’m not an alcoholic and that I can just have a few drinks here and there. 25 years of trying to control it and failing is enough to convince me of that!! But having said that I just haven’t ever been sober long enough to know what this disease is going to try and do to me. This is why it’s so important to have A.A. in my life.

26th March 2008
I DID pay for the high I experienced 2 days ago - my new computer broke down yesterday!! I was in a pretty bad place for a while. I had a complete meltdown and the first thing that came into my head was that I MUST have a drink!! I had alcohol in the house and I was REALLY close to taking that first drink. Then I had the good sense to pick up the phone and listen to the wisdom of someone with many years sobriety. One of the things he said to me was that I only have 10 days sobriety but I´m trying to rush through everything so that I can feel like I´ve got 10 years under my belt. Damn it – he´s right . . . how did he know that??!! He reminded me that it´s just one day at a time. With his help I managed to get myself back into a good place mentally and today I´ve got that alcohol out of my house. I gave it away to someone – I just couldn´t bring myself to throw it down the drain for some reason!!


27th March
When I start getting a bit frazzled it usually means I need to sleep or eat. This whole process is quite draining and I do seem to get tired very easily. Even when I'm having bad times I definitely don´t WANT a drink. My body might still be craving it and also the alcoholic part of my mind, but ME (the real me) just isn't interested. My life was a complete chaotic mess when I was drinking and I hated myself. I'm getting to know and like myself now and I also realize that sober is not at all boring. Drunk is VERY boring!!

When I wake each day now I count the things I’m thankful for and don’t dwell on all the things that are wrong with my life. That was the old me, before I got sober. Of course it won’t guarantee me a life of happiness. I’m still going to get sad and angry and sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself, but I’m damned if I’m going to waste any more of my precious life by letting negative thoughts rule me. Happiness is nothing more than a state of mind and it´s something that I have to create for myself - it doesn’t just happen! A negative person could win $50,000 and still be miserable, probably wishing he’d won more! A positive person could win $5 and be bubbling over with happiness and gratitude!!


28th March
I´ve been without my computer for 4 days and I can now look at it as a blessing in disguise. Suddenly being without my main lifeline on day 10 of my sobriety was a MASSIVE shock to my alcoholic mind and it threw the devil very firmly on to my shoulder. He said to me "You can´t deal with this. Have a drink. You know it will make you feel better." I had alcohol in my house and almost without realizing what I was doing I went to it as if it were calling me. It was an automatic response to all the problems I´ve encountered in life before I got sober just a handful of days ago. I stopped myself just in time. I didn´t want to let myself down or the people I have recently made friends with. How could I ever talk to them again after telling them how well I´m doing and how confident I am that I´m going to be able to resist that first drink??!!


It was a BIG wake up call for me and I´m very grateful for it. I can see more than ever now how important it is for me to have daily contact with other A.A. members. Being able to pick up the phone and speak to another alcoholic with many years of sobriety, who has been through all I´m going through now, saved me from having that first drink.


I´m back on track now and feeling very positive again, but also very aware of how close I came to allowing this disease to drag me back into it´s lair. It took me completely by surprise and I was stunned by it´s power to take over my mind and body. When I get back on-line I´m going to study the Big Book and work the Steps as if my life depends on it . . . . because IT DOES.

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More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. To read from the beginning of my story scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up. Please feel free to comment on anything I say or contact me if you want to ask me any questions.


21st March 2008

I´m 7 days sober today and I´m up and down like a yo-yo. This is what I´m doing to cope: If I feel bad I check that I've remembered to eat (this is hard for me as I haven´t eaten a proper meal in a year). I´ve been told me that sweet things are good for cravings because my body is missing the sugar it was getting in the alcohol. A sugar fix definitely eases my cravings a lot. I´m eating plenty of chocolate – I never even really liked chocolate before now!!


I had a fantastic day yesterday and felt no anxiety. I felt calm and peaceful. Today is not quite so good but I definitely DON´T want a drink. The alcoholic part of my mind would really like me to have one but I refuse to listen to it.


I smile a lot even if I don´t feel like smiling. I try and find something to make me laugh out loud each day. I listen to calming music and concentrate on my breathing. I imagine myself as the serene and peaceful person that I want to be and I remind myself that the craving will pass and I will have got through another hour of my day. All this stuff I´m doing does not come naturally to me, but I am terrified of the idea of drinking again. I MUST stay sober at all costs – I can´t go back to how I was before.


Most importantly of all I talk to other recovering alcoholics on the phone and I visit websites and forums dedicated to recovery and know that I'm not alone. I reach out and email people. Other A.A. members reach out to me and it touches my heart to feel their compassion. They understand everything because they have ALL been where I am now. I read a bit more of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book on-line and remind myself that this is a path well trodden by others. A.A. has worked for so many people and now I have finally admitted that I too am an alcoholic, I'm going to use all the tools it provides to make it work for me. I seem to be in no fit state to grasp and understand too much of anything right now. I feel confused and disorientated much of the time, but I am so, so happy to be sober.


22nd March

Today I´m singing silly made up songs to my animals, it makes me laugh and I know they´d laugh too if they could!! It´s nice to know that I can be silly and carefree now I´m sober. The silly carefree feelings alcohol used to give me in the early days had long gone by the end of my drinking only to be replaced with an ever growing sense of despair, bitterness, self loathing and resentment.

WHY would I ever want to go back to that??!!


The various websites and forums are giving me a lot of inspiration and hope and whilst I´m writing emails; my journal; or reading, I´m not thinking about having a drink. The hours just seem to fly by now I´m getting involved in contact with other people just like me. It´s like finding a readymade family, a family more understanding and compassionate than my own!


22nd March


Hi Kelly, Thank you SO much for contacting me. I´m so grateful that people are reaching out to me. About half an hour ago I was happily singing whilst washing a weeks worth of dishes (the housework has been the last thing on my mind this week). All of a sudden the jitters crept up on me and threatened to spoil my peace of mind. No way am I having that!! Then I realized that I hadn't eaten anything yet today (its 4pm here). I quickly made a sandwich and now peace reigns again. Living alone I often end up talking to myself and my animals (and answering for them!), so whilst I was making my sandwich I talked to the alcoholic part of my mind and told it in no uncertain terms that it wasn't getting what it wanted. I said we've tried it your way for as long as I can remember and look what a mess we've made of things. We're trying it my way now, so quit bothering me!



I have a confession to make. I have alcohol in the house. It hasn't bothered me for this whole first week of sobriety and it's not bothering me now either, but . . . . . . . . . I think that if I do end up having that first drink it won't involve a hell of a lot of rational thinking. The alcoholic part of my mind could just kick in at any time and ruin everything I´m fighting tooth and nail for. I don't want a drink, but IT will always want one. I'm going to get rid of that wine as soon as possible. The reason I've kept it is because I thought that if I do decide to drink then it´s better to do it in the safety of my own home than to go to a bar. Now I just don't want it around me. It's early days yet and I'm aware that I'm very vulnerable.



Anyway, I'm not even washed or dressed yet, not that I could care less, as long as I'm sober! I've got a week of housework to catch up on so I guess I should go and get active. I've spent so much time reading, writing, and dealing with the effects of withdrawal that I just haven't done much of anything else. I've still got a lot of the Big Book to read but now it's time to clean this house (I did more cleaning than this when I was drinking!!) Thanks for the invite to contact you. Writing stuff down really helps. I don't feel so alone and desperate now.


23rd March

Mike, THANK YOU!! You were the first real contact I had with A.A. Hearing your voice for the first time gave me hope. I was drowning in a sea of misery and alcohol and you threw me a life jacket. Every now and then I need to blow the whistle to ask for help and you´re there when I need you. 8 days later my head is still above water. You were the person that made me laugh out loud yesterday (more than once in fact). You were the person that made me smile inside and out. You´re very special and I´m glad to have you in my life. You´ve made me feel that I´m a person worth saving. I´m glad to be alive today.



23rd March

Kelly, Thank you so much for your email. It brought a lump to my throat. Yes, I guess I am naturally positive, but like you I had noticed - especially in the last year of really out of control drinking - the destructive negativity creeping in. I also became very anxious and nervous without a drink in my hand. I read the ‘Doctor’s Opinion’ today in the Big Book and kept thinking. Yes, that’s me. There is just no escaping it. I’m an alcoholic. I have to keep saying it to myself because, it’s quite difficult to take in initially don’t you think? I’ve actually found it a real shock to discover that I will never be able to have any control over alcohol. But on the other hand it’s good to know that it wasn’t me just being weak and having no will power. For years I´ve being saying to myself, tonight I won’t drink so much, I won’t let myself get out of control. The next morning I would always be so angry and confused as to why I had allowed myself to get out of control yet again. I would be full of self loathing and anxiety, and then I would drink to get rid of those feelings – it was a vicious circle. It just went on and on with no end in sight. Yet I still couldn’t see that alcohol and I were just not meant to be together – I thought it was my best friend. With friends like that who needs enemies??



I’m glad you´ve managed to achieve something in your life. You’ve got a good career and I’m so pleased that you didn’t allow this disease to rob you of that. Me, well, I’ve done a lot of really menial jobs. When I was 21 I ran a fast food takeaway for 3 years (the stress was so bad I was drinking whisky out of a coffee mug in the mornings just to get going!!).


Maybe when I get my head a bit straighter I could do an Open University course or something. I do feel that I´ve wasted my brain somewhat. I’m an underachiever, but I needn’t have been if I wasn’t so busy hitting the bottle and doing recreational drugs! I still feel positive about the future though. Can’t do anything about my past now and luckily the future is only going to arrive one day at a time, so I’m not going to get stressed about it! Like you though, I really wish I´d woken up to the fact of being an alcoholic years ago. My life would have been very different now. No point wallowing in regrets though. What’s done is done. Whatever my past has been, I have a spotless future!


Tomorrow I´m going to get on with reading the Big Book. I read some during the first couple of days of sobriety but I’ve got a bit immersed in reading the forums and haven’t read anything since.


It will get easier to do this praying stuff as time goes on I’m sure. If I need to have faith in a higher power to stay sober then have faith I will!!! If the system works then I’m not going to fight against it. I NEED to be sober.


I let myself get hungry and tired today and then ignored it and carried on sitting up here on the computer. In the end I got jittery and anxious so I must watch out for that in future.


24th March

I had about three months of sobriety 3 years ago and it nearly killed me. I was in HELL because I only stopped drinking to try and save my relationship. I wasn't particularly interested in saving myself. I had no idea that I had no power over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable (It has ALWAYS been unmanageable!!). I still thought I drank because I wanted to and was resentful for others trying to control me. I felt self pity and resentment. I wasn´t even attempting to change what was going on in my head. I let my thoughts rule me. I didn´t even realize it was possible to change them.


This time round it´s VERY different. I know it´s going to take a lot of effort on my part. There is no magic switch that can just turn my life around without me putting some effort in myself. I need to change the way I think. I need to change my attitude. I now realize that it is possible to change the thoughts that go on in my head. I don´t have to sit around full of self pity. I can banish those thoughts. They do not belong in my head. It´s the easiest thing in the world to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but what a waste of bloody time! Haven´t I wasted enough of that already? When are my feelings going to change? When I change them.


I´m grateful every day now. Was I grateful when I was drinking? NO. But now I´m learning how to control what goes on in my mind and that´s SO much easier now I´m sober. I will not let negativity or self pity into my life. I have no friends here, I´m barely on speaking terms with my family, I´m unable to get to face to face meetings, and I have no job. Do I feel sorry for myself? NO!! I´m the luckiest person in the world. I have my self respect back. I´m sober. I have other A.A. members who I can phone and email. I have another day to look forward to in which to grow as a human being. I am rich indeed.


Reading the posts on various on-line forums is one of the first things I do each morning now. It´s such a fantastic uplifting start to my day. I often have to read them again later as there is just so much in them on which to ponder and take in. If there is one upside (for me) to being a recovering alcoholic, it´s this incredible journey of self discovery. There is a quote which says the unexamined life is not worth living. If I wasn´t alcoholic would I be trying to become more self aware? Would I be delving so deeply into the richness of my mind? (what´s left of it!!) Would I be baring my soul so unashamedly to myself and others? Would I appreciate the simple pleasures in life or the beauty of living in the moment? Would I be really THINKING?


These things make another day of sobriety something to treasure. Another day of sobriety feels like a gift to me and not something to be endured. Being a drunk for 25 years took endurance. Today I am released from that pain and hardship. Today I am truly alive. Today I will not drink because it will steal from me all that I have gained.


I must get on with reading the Big Book and working the Steps, because I truly have the belief that this can lead me to the place I was always trying to find at the bottom of a glass . . . . now THAT´S what I call ironic!!!


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Ok, on with my story (to read from the beginning of my story just scroll down to the bottom of the page and work your way up - or go to "March" in the archives which are at the bottom of the side bar):

March 20th 2008
Hi Jenny, How wonderful of you to contact me! I can't wait to check out the websites and forums you´ve told me about. Thank you so, so much for getting me an invite to that private forum. It´s good to know that only recovering alcoholics who´ve been referred can have access to it, that makes me feel like it´s a safe environment to talk about my feelings and thoughts.

Today completes 5 days of sobriety for me. It was only 6 days ago that I was finally left with no other alternative than to admit I am an alcoholic. Quite a sobering thought!! Today has been the best I´ve felt so far and at times I can honestly say I have felt some peace. I haven't felt any peace in my life ever before. This feeling for me is going to be more addictive than alcohol or drugs, it's something I´ve been craving for years and now I´ve had a glimpse of it I want more and more of it.

I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief to discover I'm an alcoholic. I can now give up the struggle of attempting to moderate my drinking (It's not worked for the last 26 years so I think it's a good assumption that it will never work!). No more waking up with that terrible feeling of self loathing and confusion. No more thinking that I´m going crazy. For the first time in many years I´m getting a decent night's sleep, and hey, I can dream again and I'd forgotten what that was like.

Of course I'm having some bad moments but I just read a bit more of the Big Book on-line or pick up the phone to Mike, have a bath, pace around the house, or eat chocolate . . . . and before I know it the feeling has passed. Now and then for minutes at a time I can even forget this all consuming thing that I´m experiencing. I was going to start writing a journal but nothing has materialized yet because I´m just soaking up the peace, and then when I´m feeling frazzled and anxious I´m not capable of doing anything constructive at all.

I´m so grateful for the support that Mike has given me. As I'm sure you can understand, sometimes the only other person I want to open my heart to is another recovering alcoholic. Non alcoholics may try to understand but it seems to me that most of them just think I´m weak and if only I had a bit more will power everything would be ok. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!

You´ve been sober for over 17 years and that gives me so much hope for myself. I´m not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. I feel so alone and vulnerable.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough. Thanks so much for throwing me another life line.

March 21st 2008

Hi, I was just reading the forum for the first time and saw your post from a few days ago. I hope you don´t mind me emailing you. I don´t know if I can help you but all I want to do right now is hold out my hand to you.
I don’t know how long you have been sober but I expect it is much longer than me – I only have 6 days today. Maybe one day I will be feeling the way you are feeling now, but today my head is in a good place. Today I have the one thing I cherish above all else. Today I have peace of mind.
I have been suicidal many times in the past when I was drinking. My drinking career has been a long one. I really DO know how you are feeling. I even got to the point where I had written my suicide letters. That was only 3 weeks ago. Today I am SO glad I never took that final step.

Please do not choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Tomorrow is always only a day away and who knows how different things could look then?

I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life but today I´m desperate enough to at least open up my mind to the possibility of some sort of higher power – it does sound crazy to me, but I´m willing to take a look because I really don’t have any other option now as far as I can see. I´m trying to forget about a higher power as an outside concept. Why can’t that higher power be something you find within yourself? Our brains have such a vast untapped potential. If I learn to change the pictures and sounds in my mind I may be able to get conscious control over my life. The way I feel from moment to moment is a direct result of the pictures and sounds I´m making in my mind. Nothing upsets me more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time (actually, if I am honest, I can´t take ANY criticism!!), but the worst critic I will ever encounter is the one who lives inside my own mind. The way I talk to myself has a profound impact on my emotional state. I always get more of what I focus on in life. If I continue to focus only on the negative then I will only have negativity in my life. I never actually realized I had a choice over what goes on in my head – it´s a revelation to me.

I hope you don’t find any of this patronizing, it really isn’t meant to be. I´m learning this from the only person I´ve spoken to in AA so far – he´s been sober for almost 30 years and he´s so full of wisdom. I just wanted to share with you something that´s REALLY helping me in a big way – in the hope that it will help you too. I need peace in my life. I´ve certainly never found it at the bottom of a glass or with any of the other substances I’ve taken. I´ve spent years lurching from one disaster to another. Chaos is all I´ve really known. I´m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I HAVE to find another way. I really hope you find a way of climbing out of this hell you are in. If I can offer you any support at all then that will also help me with what I´m going through.

21st March 2008

Hi Jenny, Just saw your message on the forum and it made me laugh! Thanks for thinking of me. I haven't posted anything yet but have spent hours reading the posts. I was struck by the post from ***** so I took some time to write him a long email. I´m in a really good place today and felt the need to reach out to someone who was in a bad place.

I´m still getting the shakes, but instead of filling me with horror, as it did initially, it just makes me laugh at the absurdity of what I have been doing to myself all these years. Who knew that being sober could feel so good? I had no idea. I've had my first day of complete peace of mind. No anxiety whatsoever. I feel serene and uplifted by my sobriety. I would rather cut my arm off than take a drink today. Tomorrow could be a different story, but today has been a precious gift that I will remember and treasure. I´ve had an inner smile all day long. Being drunk never felt as good as this. I used to think that being sober was boring but it´s anything other than boring now that I´m sober with the help and support of A.A. Being drunk is incredibly boring compared to how I feel today. I may post something on the site tomorrow. I think I might be a little shy but I'm sure I'll get over it.

21st March – my first post on the forum.

Hi, I´m new here. I´ve just completed 6 days of sobriety. The first 4 days were really tough. The anxiety, shakes, cravings and crazy rollercoaster of emotions nearly overwhelmed me. The 5th day was much better and I even felt some moments of peace. Today has been really, really good. I still had an episode of the shakes, but no anxiety whatsoever. No desire to tear my hair out or run around the house screaming. Progress indeed!

I am not able to go to meetings as I live in a remote Spanish village in the middle of nowhere. I live alone with just my animals for company. I have no car and there is no transport system available. I have no job and cannot afford to move at the moment. The village is full of bars and very little else. The bars are full of alcoholics. Last week I was one of them. I will always be one of them. The difference is that today I chose not to drink.

My computer and my telephone are my lifeline. I reached out to one person in A.A. and now I have three people who are willing to help. I don´t feel alone anymore, and today I don´t even want a drink. Today I have found some real peace and that´s something I´ve never known before. I don´t know what tomorrow will bring but today has been a gift to treasure.

8 days ago I was left with no other option than to admit I was an alcoholic. I first got drunk when I was about 9 years old and from then on I got my hands on alcohol whenever I could. I had a serious problem with both alcohol and drugs by the age of 14. A couple of uppers on the way to school - when I bothered to go. A joint during break time. Lunchtime at the pub, knocking back a few vodkas, and usually not making it back to school. Sobering up just in time to show my face at home then climbing out of my bedroom window at night to drink, do acid and smoke pot. Amazingly I actually passed quite a few exams! How the hell did that happen??

I eased up a bit when I had to work but there were still plenty of binges and I´m pretty sure that I was drinking almost every day. I couldn´t see anything wrong with it. I always wondered why my life was so chaotic and full of disaster. It just never occurred to me that it had anything to do with me, my drinking and my behaviour. I´m guessing that my disease has hidden a lot of things from me.

Drugs and alcohol have been a constant part of my life since childhood, so I never really thought about it much (the drugs were merely recreational – I am not an addict). Of course people have commented on my drinking, but I never really took much notice. Then I met Sam and he barely drank. He was horrified by my constant need to drink. I started to drink in secret. We moved abroad over 3 years ago and my drinking got completely out of control. He threatened to leave. I was so scared and immediately stopped and stayed stopped for almost 3 months. It was the worst time of my life and how I didn´t harm myself and others around me is a mystery to me. Enforced sobriety when I was ignorant of my disease was more dangerous to me than to carry on drinking. I had a complete mental breakdown and received no medical help whatsoever. I developed phobias of just about everything. Fear and anxiety were my constant companions.

Sam finally left me a year ago. I guess I was even more of a nightmare to live with when my drinking was being controlled. When he left there was nobody to regulate my drinking. Guess what happened next?!! I got down to the serious business of drinking without restraint. When I was in a bar I HAD to have another beer lined up before I was half way through the one I was drinking. I felt too anxious to wait even a few minutes between drinks.

Self loathing and anxiety started to eat me up and I couldn´t understand what was happening to me. I hated myself and I thought I was losing my mind. I lost 25lbs of my body weight. Three weeks ago I wrote suicide letters and tried to make my will. Then I looked at my animals and knew that they would be put to sleep if I killed myself. That´s what stopped me. Two weeks ago I finally admitted to myself that I should probably stop drinking. It took me 3 days to realize that I was unable to stop. I poured 2 litres of wine down my throat then phoned A.A.

Admitting I´m an alcoholic has been the biggest relief of my life. Now, maybe, I can actually have a life. 7 days later I´m more content than I have ever been. With the support of A.A. regular meals (and chocolate) I´m finally discovering peace and it's my new addiction!! Today I have an inner smile to match the one that is on my face right now. Today I will not seek the teeth that wound me.

First contact with AA

More of my journal and emails documenting my journey in sobriety. My sobriety date is 17th May 2008. This post is where I first discover I´m an alcoholic. To read from the beginning of my story go to the archives and click on “March” – my first post is called “The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic”. I welcome your comments on anything I say. Please feel free to contact me.


After I´d done the alcoholism questionnaire I was full of fear, I was crying, and I was drunk. I scoured the internet looking for a number for AA here in Spain. It´s actually very easy to find, but because of the state I was in I couldn´t find anything. I became frantic and phoned The Samaritans suicide hotline in the UK and cried and ranted to them for a while. Eventually I found a telephone number for an English AA meeting here in Spain and that was the first time I spoke to Mike.

I think it´s safe to say that Mike was not too hopeful about me when we first spoke. He sounded a little exasperated by my sobbing - and when I told him I had no transport available to me he said I had no chance of staying sober if I couldn´t get to meetings. This completely terrified me and I went into a bit of a meltdown and got hysterical - he promised to ring me the next day when I was sober.

The next few days are a bit of a blur. I know that Mike phoned me every day, more than once, and that he quickly became aware of how desperately I wanted to stay sober. I remember pacing up and down my hallway frantically whilst talking to Mike, just trying to get through the next 5 minutes without a drink. I remember listening to his words of wisdom and his soothing voice and just knowing that I didn’t stand a chance if I didn´t have him to talk to. I know that I read the 12 Steps of AA and despite the fact that I´ve been an outspoken atheist my whole life I didn´t bat an eyelid when I read the word “God” here and there in the Steps. That shows the level of my desperation – I could not care less what I had to do to stay sober. If I was going to have to pray, then pray I would – suddenly it just didn´t matter what I did and didn´t believe in. I HAD to stay sober at any cost.

My withdrawal from alcohol was pretty horrible again and I didn´t even think to write about it at the time – I was barely able to function at all. But a few days into my sobriety I started to write emails and then I joined forums. So I have a pretty good record of my journey. There will be some editing here and there so as not to break anyone´s anonymity – alcoholics and non alcoholics alike.

March 16th 2008

“Hi Mike. I've had quite a good evening, mainly thanks to your tip about having plenty of sweet stuff. I felt really anxious and bad for a little while and so I went on the hunt for lots of sugary stuff and feel fine again now. I´ve avoided sugar for years, but now I really need it to help with these cravings. I don’t want to get fat – but more than anything I don´t want to get drunk, so I´ll have the sugar and not waste time worrying about my weight.

I can already see the need for having support from other recovering alcoholics and am so glad that I found you. I will try hard not to use up too much of your valuable time though as I know you are helping lots of other people too. I really wish there were meetings here that I could go to. If there was transport available I would be willing to travel a long way to get to one, but that option isn´t available to me. I know I must put some serious effort into this if I´m to have any hope without face to face contact with other recovering alcoholics. Right now I don´t feel like I want to be around anyone who isn´t a recovering alcoholic. I don´t even want to speak to my “normal” friends on the phone.

After my experience last week when I tried to stop I´m now realistic enough to know that even though I´m feeling positive and almost excited about the prospect of a life without alcohol right now, tonight or tomorrow could be a very different story. So, I was thinking, because you are busy helping lots of other people and I don't want to be bothering you all of the time, do you know of anyone who would be willing to have contact with me and effectively be my sponsor via telephone and email? It would help me to feel a part of A.A. It would give me an additional recovering alcoholic to speak to, which would really help. Thanks again Mike for your wonderful support and kindness. It means everything to me right now.”


More soon
Until next time
Rachel :D

Waking up to the truth

Here´s the second installment of my journey in recovery – hope it will be useful to someone.


March 2008
Over the last few days I´ve started drinking in the morning – it´s now too painful for me to wait until the afternoon. The previous evening I´d been to a bar and I´d promised myself that I wouldn´t get drunk – just like so many times before. I ended up drinking so much beer that I felt sick. Instead of going home, I started drinking vodka. I was loud and embarrassing, and then I started to get aggressive. I began picking on a 17 year old girl who told me that she never lied. I couldn´t accept it as a fact and I became aggressive, patronizing and offensive – though I certainly didn´t see it like that at the time.

Finally I decided to go home and get away from this bunch of losers. I told someone I needed to get home because I´d drunk too much. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “You always drink too much.” I can´t remember my exact reply to this, but I know that I became very defensive and aggressive. What I do remember is that he just sat there quietly holding my gaze. He looked sad, but he didn´t retaliate. I couldn´t bear it a second longer, and I stormed out of the bar and lurched home full of resentment and anger towards both him and the girl. I was ranting and raving out loud – I was full of hatred for them and everybody else. I felt superior to all of them. I felt deeply misunderstood and full of self pity. Suddenly I had an awakening of sorts and became aware of what I was saying. As I became aware of my words and my behavior, one thing jumped right out at me – I was the one with the problem. It shocked me to the core and I cried and cried like it was the end of the world. I went home and drank some more.

When I awoke in the morning I was full of self loathing and self pity. I quickly went and got myself a big beaker of wine, and I sat and cried as I drank it. It was then that I knew I must try and stop drinking. It was definitely causing me problems, and I just couldn´t live with myself like this any longer – I was desperate and desolate and I didn´t have the courage to kill myself, so I knew my only option was to stop drinking. I appeared to be completely incapable of moderating my drinking, so I must stop entirely. It didn´t occur to me for one moment that I would be unable to do so.

Around 5pm that day I began to feel very anxious, and I started to experience a feeling that´s exactly the same as nicotine withdrawal. My body started screaming out for something and I couldn´t work out what it might be – I´m really confused by this craving. Eventually I realize that it must have something to do with not drinking – I´m shocked. The thought starts to creep into my mind that this is not a normal reaction. I spend the rest of the evening in a state of high anxiety. I have alcohol in the house but I stay away from it – I´m determined not to drink. I go to bed earlier than I´ve done in months and I actually manage to get some sleep despite feeling anxious and frightened.

Day 2 - I walk to the local shop and stock up on plenty of soft drinks. I avoid speaking to anyone. I feel paranoid and withdrawn. When early evening comes around I once again start to experience bad cravings. I pace around a lot and my anxiety is going off the scale – but I don´t drink. I go to bed early. I´m very restless and barely sleep at all. I´m scared. I give up trying to sleep, and I play games on the computer until I´m too tired to keep my eyes open.

Day 3 - I awake after a few hours feeling exhausted, anxious and full of fear. I keep busy throughout the day because I feel so restless. I don´t achieve much because I jump from one task to the next without completing the first one. When the cravings kick in, I start to cry. Eventually I decide to have one beer. If I can have just one beer I can´t possibly be alcoholic – can I? I have one beer, and for the first time in my life I sip it really slowly and make it last for a long time. The cravings and anxiety are definitely lessened, but they are still there bubbling away just under the surface, and soon after finishing the beer they come rushing back in again. I go to bed early and lie there anxious and afraid.

Day 4 – I wake up anxious and it just gets worse throughout the day. I can´t sit still. I pace a lot. When the cravings kick in around 5pm I don´t have the strength to deal with them. I try the one beer idea again, but this time I´m unable to sip it slowly and make it last. The restlessness, anxiety and cravings fade slightly, but I need more relief. I decide to have another beer. If I can get through the night on just 2 beers I will know for sure that I´m not alcoholic. I don´t know anything about alcoholism, but I´m sure that an alcoholic drinks more than 2 beers a night. The second beer makes a marked difference. I feel such a great sense of ease and comfort. All the bad feelings disappear – temporarily – but as soon as the drink is finished they start to crowd in on me again. I don´t know what to do. Eventually I´m able to settle at my computer and play some games – it seems to distract me and soothe me a little bit, but I´m still an anxious crazy mess. Somehow I get through the rest of the evening without any more alcohol, but I know something is definitely wrong with me and I don´t know what to do. I fall into bed exhausted and confused.

Day 5 – It´s a bad day. I feel restless, irritable, discontent, and very, very anxious. I sit at the computer again and play some games. Suddenly, my hands start to shake uncontrollably. I´m horrified. I know nothing about alcoholism, but I know enough to realize that this is a withdrawal symptom from alcohol. My mind wants to tell me that it must be something else, and nothing to do with alcohol – but deep down I know that I can no longer deny what´s happening to me. The feelings and symptoms I´m experiencing are from alcohol withdrawal – and ONLY alcoholics experience these things, but I still try desperately to ignore this thought, because it´s unacceptable to me. As I sit there I remember that I have half a bottle of Baileys somewhere. I tell myself that it would be ok to have some of it in my coffee. I somehow manage to convince myself that it´s not really alcohol, so it won´t count! I give up putting it in my coffee after only one cup - I drink the rest of it with some ice. It soothes me for a while, and the shaking stops, but once the bottle is empty it´s not long before the anxiety is fully present again.

I can´t cope with this a moment longer, and so I go downstairs and get a large plastic beaker, 2 liters of wine and a bottle of lemonade. It´s about 2pm when I pour out my first half pint of wine and lemonade. As I sit at the computer drinking and crying, I search on-line to find alcohol questionnaires. This is one of them:

Are You Alcoholic?
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

The above Test Questions are used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, Md., in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic. They believe:
• If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be alcoholic.
• If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
• If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.


My TRUE score is 18 . . . . but when I first did this questionnaire I could only admit to 10. I was trying VERY hard to see the real truth – but I could NOT see it. But 10 is very high – 3 or more and I´m DEFINITELY an alcoholic. Even I can see that 10 is way more than 3.

I´m devastated and terrified. It´s the end of my world – I´m an alcoholic. Part of my mind still wants to deny it, but that small sane voice inside me will not allow me to be in denial about it any longer. I push myself to do more questionnaires, and then I find the Alcoholics Anonymous website and read some stories on there written by alcoholics. When I compare their stories to mine, there are some differences. I´m tempted to look at those differences and use them to convince myself that I´m not really like them, but that small sane voice inside me tells me to look at the similarities – not the differences. The similarities far outweigh the differences.

My name is Rachel – and I´m an alcoholic.










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The sober ramblings of a chronic alcoholic . . . .

Choice . . . don´t give me too much choice - it confuses me! 10 minutes to set up a blog page . . . . um, maybe for YOU - it took me hours . . . what template to use? What photo? Favourite films - OMG what are my favourite films???!! Books? I´ve read about 3,000 and I´m being asked to choose which are my favourite?? As for trying to get my Zazzle panels right – well, you can see I failed miserably there! I´ve been told that I´m a perfectionist – that a lot of alcoholics are. I couldn´t see this for ages, but I´m seeing it more and more now – it´s a pain in the bum because everything takes soooooo long . . . . and I always fall far short of anything like perfection!

Anyway, now I have my blog page more or less sorted and what do I have before me? A blank page . . . . . what shall I write? . . . . is this like life – do I only get one chance to make a first impression? Then I remember that I´m an alcoholic, and that for most of my life I´ve made the wrong impression – don´t sweat it girl, you´re sober today and you have a story to tell . . . . and some nice shiny new products to sell – yes, I DO want you to take a look at my shops and maybe even buy something – then you can look at it and say to yourself “Hey, that crazy alcoholic lady made this – ain´t that da bomb!” Not that I can believe for one moment that anyone actually speaks like that, but maybe you do, and I´m not gonna judge you for it :-)

I´m not just here to tout my stuff (cool, cute and wonderful though it is – and how you´ve lived without these things in your life up to now is beyond me). I´m also here to share my journey in sobriety with you. I had no idea I was actually going to do that until I started writing today – but now I know it´s absolutely the right thing to do. When I first got sober I started to correspond a lot with people and also use forums for recovering alcoholics – so, I have a LOT of rambling to share with you! I was planning on trying to make it into a book . . . . but somehow or another I just haven´t got around to it yet. It´s no use to anyone sat on my computer though, so I´m going to share it with you, and if the most useful thing it does for anyone is entertain them – well, that´s not a bad thing.

I just want to point out that I do NOT speak for AA. This is just my own experience and any opinions I express here are mine (and possibly mine alone!).

Ok, I´m going to take a deep breath and dive in here. It´s baring my soul time and I have a little bit of fear about it . . . . but, here goes . . . .


The greatest misconception about me, as a chronic alcoholic, is that alcohol is my problem. You could certainly be excused for thinking that. If you knew all the problems alcohol caused me, and – more importantly - those around me, it would be natural to assume that when I stopped drinking, my problems would be solved - but alcohol was not my problem, it was my SOLUTION.

Acute alcoholics develop alcoholism through excessive drinking – but I´m a chronic alcoholic and I was “suffering” from alcoholism before I even took my first drink. I´m not a chronic alcoholic because I drank obsessively and abusively. I drank obsessively and abusively BECAUSE I´m alcoholic.

I suffer from alcoholism when I´m sober. Drinking relieves that suffering, and for many years it was alcohol that helped me to survive life – without it I would have, no doubt, committed suicide. I had a sense from early childhood of not fitting in. I didn´t feel a part of anything – I always felt apart from everything and everyone. Nothing really made any sense to me and I didn´t feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn´t like myself even as a small child and I was painfully shy, withdrawn and deeply unhappy. I was suffering from alcoholism BEFORE alcohol even came into my life.


March 2008

When I was 8 years old my cousins thought it would be funny to see what effect alcohol would have on me. I guess most normal kids of that age would have taken one sip, declared it disgusting and then drank no more. Not me. It was homemade wine and no doubt it was pretty grim, but that´s not what I remember about it. What I remember is that all of a sudden I had found something that made me feel good about myself. I didn´t feel shy or tortured. I didn´t feel inadequate, and all of a sudden I felt like I could talk to my cousins and not feel like a silly little kid. Without realising it, I had found the answer to all of my problems. At 8 years old I drank and drank and didn´t stop until someone stopped me. I drank until I fell over. I loved it.

For the first time ever I had escaped from the unbearable feelings I lived with every day. It was like a switch had flipped and all of those feelings just vanished. For those few hours of drinking I was not unhappy in my own skin. For the first time ever - I liked me. I had found a magic potion.

Fast forward to March 2008. I´m 41 years old, and I´m trying to find the courage to end my life. I have NO IDEA that I´m an alcoholic. I´m aware that I´m drinking much more than I used to but I´ve always been a drinker – drinking has been a part of my life since childhood and I´m unable (and unwilling) to see that I might have a serious problem in regards to the amount of alcohol I´m consuming. My life is so horrible that I feel the need to drink more to cope with it all – but I´m not coping at all. I want to die. I´m living alone in an isolated village in a foreign country, with no real friends, no job, no income, no transport, and 7 animals that depend on me for their survival. My life is unmanageable and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I just can´t live like this anymore but I have no idea how I can get out of the situation. I hate myself and I hate my life - but I´m too frightened to die. I´m also too frightened to live. I´m frightened of everything. I have terrible crushing phobias that make it almost impossible for me to use ANY form of transport as I´m terrified that I´m going to be in a horrible accident . . . . and I can see it in ALL it´s gory detail. Every journey in a car is pure hell for me, so I´ve given up going anywhere – it´s just not worth the agony.

I have a strong desire to cram at least 100 painkillers down my throat and then stick my head in the gas oven – because I am deadly serious about ending my life and I don´t want there to be ANY mistakes. I have seen for myself the failed attempts at suicide – it is not pretty. But I just do not have the guts to do it – I´m consumed by the fear of messing it up. Who will look after my animals if I´m successful in my attempt . . . . and who will look after them if I mess it up and end up a brain dead vegetable??? Either way they´re screwed – and so am I.

I have pains in my kidneys and liver (at a guess) and I´m sick every morning. I can´t sleep or eat, and I cry a lot. I´ve lost around 25lbs in body weight in less than 12 months, without even trying. But nobody knows there´s anything really wrong with me, because when I step out of my front door I´m dressed nicely and I´ve already had a few drinks to make going out bearable. I´m still reasonably sociable when I drink with others - but I´m alone and desolate inside. I look like I´m having fun – sometimes. But by the end of the evening I´m sat at the bar crying, confused and desolate. My mask is starting to slip. When I get home a sort of madness descends upon me and I´m terrified. Only more drinking keeps it at bay. I feel that I´m losing my mind. I drink until about 5 or 6am and try to snatch a few hours of sleep. It´s almost impossible because my mind just won´t shut off, there´s constant noise and chatter, and crazy scary thoughts which make me terrified of myself and everything around me. I lie rigid with fear wishing I would die there in bed so that I don’t have to face another day – and another night.


When I get up a few hours later, all I want to do is drink, but if I drink in the morning it might mean I have a drinking problem, and I just can´t face that possibility. Drinking is all I have left that feels good. I feel dead and empty inside, but at the same time fearful, paranoid and emotional. I drink coffee until noon. Then I feel it´s ok to drink beer. If I don’t drink in the morning, I can´t possibly be an alcoholic – right? I drink a couple litres of beer during the day, and then, if I stay in, I drink at maybe a couple of litres of wine (mixed with lemonade because I think it makes me drink less). Sometimes I´ll go out in the early afternoon with the intention of just having a couple of beers and then coming home. I´m always confused when I´m the last one to leave the bar at around 2am. Whilst I´m drinking I get anxious when the glass is less than half full, and I have to get another one lined up ready. I cannot afford to take the risk that the barman will be unavailable to serve me immediately when I´ve finished my drink – it´s got to the stage where my drinking has to be continual and uninterrupted once I start or I start to have a panic attack. I have some small idea that this may not be normal, but I don´t pay much attention to it, because as far as I´m concerned it´s the rest of my life that´s the problem – not alcohol. But, when I drink, I´m loud, and overly friendly. I get myself into situations that make me confused, paranoid, and full of self loathing the next day. I have blackouts - I don´t remember how I got from one place to another and I don´t remember conversations I´ve had and things I´ve done. I become almost too scared to go out – I can´t trust myself. One day I go out at noon to get some groceries, and I don´t come home until 5.30am. Despite my BEST intentions to just go shopping and not to stop for a drink, I somehow end up drinking for 17 hours – and come home without any groceries.

Life gets worse and worse until it becomes no more than a living death. One day in March 2008 I decide that I must stop drinking. I don’t want to stop, but I have no idea what else to do – I´m desperate. I cannot imagine a life without alcohol, but I cannot go on with my life as it is, as I feel that I´m teetering on the edge of complete insanity . . . .

. . . . and that´s enough for now I think. I don´t want to bore you rigid with my first post, or have you crying into your coffee!

More soon I think. Thanks for taking the time to read me :-) Oh, by the way - how long do you think it´s taken me to suss out how to copy and paste my post into this blog . . . . . .




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